10 Reasons Your New Year's Resolution to Lose Weight is Failing

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With each January day that passes, the hordes of people armed with New Year’s resolutions flocking to the gym begin to phase out, and you start to notice a sharp increase in overheard conversations involving women sharing various excuses about their inability to lose weight. I would like nothing more than to find a way to totally avoid being trapped in any of these stupid discussions in the coming weeks, so I thought I would offer the list below to preempt the need to have them in the first place. Here are ten reasons you haven’t achieved your weight loss goals for 2012:

1You’ve convinced yourself that wearing weirdly-shaped sneakers counts as meaningful exercise, and/or you’ve purchased a weight loss product endorsed by Snooki, a Kardashian, or an ex-girlfriend of Hugh Hefner.

2You firmly believe Lean Cuisines are health food.

3You think the inclusion of one healthy ingredient magically renders something calorie-free and therefore safe to consume in limitless quantities, e.g. milk chocolate covered almonds.

4You refuse to acknowledge the fact that there are calories in the oceans of cocktails and/or mimosas you consume throughout the week.

5You believe the fault lies with the thyroid for all your other failed efforts to lose weight.

6You subconsciously engage in the fantasy belief that time spent discussing dieting strategies qualifies as actually dieting.

7You hold firm to the notion that if you ate it while black-out drunk, it didn’t actually happen.

8You’ve  blamed your failure to succeed on the lack of functionality of an iPad weight loss App.

9You treat the entire box of Velveeta Shells & Cheese as a single serving.

10You celebrate the loss of a pound by treating yourself to a gallon of Cookies ‘n Cream ice cream.

Post image from Shutterstock

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  • Ellen

    I am trying to loose weight also, b/c the holiday’s have not helped alot. With all of the rich foods, it is difficult for me to maintain my figure, and the manageing partner is beginning to make coments about my tush.

    I told him he should NOT be looking at my tush, and CERTAINLEY not comenting about my tushes’ size!

    After all, he does NOT pay for my health club membershep, so FOOEY on him for saying my tush is getting to big.

    • Willem

      Ellen, there is nothing wrong with having a large tuches, especially if the rest of you is well proportioned.

      I know a lot of men that like a woman with more meat on them, particularly in the wintertime. I think of a large tuches on a woman as great set of grab handles when we are having intimate relations.

      Besides, you can always shed a few pounds once it is warmer, so don’t sweat it now. Just get rid of it by the time you start putting on a bikini.

  • Craig

    Very funny stuff. Definitely on target.