10 Signs You Are Dressed Unprofessionally

There is an epidemic in the legal community. Maybe it is because of the economy. Maybe it is because the lackluster hiring rate for new lawyers. Maybe it is because standards of dress are falling everywhere as a result of Jersey Shore. However, we are in the Trust Tree so lets get this out in the open. The legal community is committing malpractice . . . of fashion. This might be considered mean to some of you. That means you dress inappropriately. Thus, without further adieu, Bitter Lawyer presents: 10 Signs You Are Dressed Unprofessionally.

1. Schmedium Button-Ups. Fortunately, I think we all agree this is not professional attire. But, with the recent rash of schmedium button up shirts being worn by the fellas we thought we should reiterate. It is never good when I am worrying that the overly stressed button on your shirt is going to explode and take out an eyeball. Justice might be blind but the cause of said blindness shouldn’t be your beer belly.

2. If your court-appointed client is wearing the same clothing as you. Alarm bells should be going off.

3. If your skirt is closer to your butt than your knees. Great for the bar, but not when you are a member of the Bar.

4. White socks. Unless you are Michael Jackson, at no point in time in your career should you be wearing white socks during a professional appearance. Never. Ever. Like Taylor Swift Never Ever Wever.

Courtesy of Shutterstock

5. Gentlemen, if your suit looks like a Shar Pei you need to fix that. Immediately. And please do not wear your jacket in the car on the way to court. Just because the front of the suit is wrinkle free the back looks like the lunch money of a 4^th grader. You basically turned your suit into a mullet. Business in the front and party in the back. But instead of a party it looks like shit. Don’t look like shit.

6. Anything made at the airbrushing kiosk in the mall. You would think this wouldn’t be necessary . . . you would be wrong.

Malcolm Stuart: Mall Airbrushing Artist. Courtesy of The Opening Ceremony

7. Crocs. Unless you are a ginger Italian chef you should never wear Crocs.

8. Anything with writing on the bottom. Okay, granted if you wear anything with “Juicy” or “Sexy” on your ass to court you should be disbarred, but this can be expanded. Any pants that got in a fight with a Bedazzler should probably be kept in the closet . . . forever.

9. Flip-Flops. You are not at the beach. You are not on vacation. Unless you are wearing these Jeans Sandal Boots then don’t step into the office. And yes the Jeans Sandal Boots are real and they’re spectacular.

10. Finally, leggings, or jeggings!, aren’t pants. I’m sorry but it’s true. And, more importantly, wearing a longish sweater still does not instantly make leggings pants.

Simply put: You are dressed unprofessionally if you make me want to take out my iPhone to take a picture of you and post it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Google Plus+, or Friendster. Hell, J.T. is bringing Myspace back so I’ll fire that account up for the first time in five years. Whatever, just don’t let it happen to you. And if after all this, you still don’t know what to wear…just give up and buy yourself a suitsy.