Recently we heard the tale of Thomas P. Lowe, the suspended-attorney-at-law, who not only had an affair with his client but also used the affair for hourly billing. While it gave me the heebie jeebies to think of a 58-year-old man being compensated for intercourse, I do have to wonder how the billing went. Flat fee or hourly? Can you expense viagra? Do you also charge for the travel to the dirty motel? Not to mention what do you call it on the invoice? So many questions and so few answers. Until now. Therefore, I am finally prepared to write a longstanding Bitter Lawyer challenge of the “Top 20 All-Time Blawg Post Yet To Be Written.”
Without further adieu: 10 Things to Say to a Client You Are Sleeping With.
1 I might have only lasted for 2 minutes but I am going to have to bill you for 6.
2 How about we make this tender offer a firm offer?
3 The sex is billed by the hour (okay minute) but I do offer some flat fees for foreplay.
4 I don’t get it. I winked and I told you I would do it pro bono.
5 I can get the hung jury but I’m going to need you to work the penal code.
6 You were an attractive nuisance then I saw the attenuation of the taint.
7 It doesn’t matter how I bill it, you are getting screwed either way.
8 Hey at least I got you off—of the charges.
9 Don’t worry I’ll withdraw… as counsel.
10 Would you be open to a dry hole provision?
Post image courtesy of Shutterstock.