10 Ways Trials Are Like Sex

  1. Before you ever go to trial, you are super nervous about what it will be like, watch Law & Order, A Few Good Men, and Anatomy of a Murder to try to learn how to do it better.
  2. You hide the fact that you have never done your own trial. You assume you will mess something up and everyone there will be able to tell you are a rooky.
  3. When you have done ten or fewer trials, you can quickly recall how many trials you have done, what they were about, how the jury came back.
  4. Once you have done a lot more trials, it takes you longer to recall your “number,” and you start to only remember the ones that came out in your favor.
  5. People try to tell you that trials are just like depositions, hearings, and appearances. You assume this is true until you in fact do your own trial, when you learn they don’t really compare.
  6. When you are in trial, all of your mental energy is devoted to that one task and that one task only.
  7. It really matters who you go up against.
  8. You shave, do your hair, obsess over your clothes, and generally worry about how people perceive you more than you ever have before.
  9. The outcome is either the most exhilarating feeling or the greatest disappointment.
  10. Once it’s over, you look around your office in amazement at the kind of trash you have produced in such a relatively short period of time.
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  • Jill

    Another one that I remember, is that after it’s over, you wonder what all the hype was about because you were not sure it even got started before it finished. (Particularly applicable to needle wee-wees)

  • Larry

    Trials are like sex in that it is always exciting to imagine what it will be like with a new woman, but once you start, you realize that it is the same old up and down stuff with the same rank odours, and moaning and groaning as the last woman.

  • Alex

    What is a “rooky?” You must mean ROOKIE