Deconstructing the Westminster Dog Show

It is Dog Show time again! Westminster Kennel Club is presenting their annual dog show. The winners of the Hound, Toy, Non-Sporting and Herding groups were chosen on Monday, but even we do not love the dog show enough to dedicate six hours of our week to it, so we are only recapping the final night of the show: Sporting Dogs,Working Dogs,Terrier Group and Best in Show.

First up, the pointers. Ohh! Bias! If a pointer is the logo of the club, why don’t they win more often? The WKC has lost its way, there’s only been 3 pointers that won Best in Show. Five if you count German Pointers, which I don’t, just ’cause. This non-scandal scandal will surely rip the Club apart. Ahem. It has come to my attention that I may be 100-ish years too late to rile people up about this.

Did you know that the German short-haired pointer is an all-purpose gun dog?

I have to assume this is some sort of hunting reference that I don’t get. Also, gun dog will leap at your face if you have treats! I was unable to find video of this adorable moment, but it was super cute. Aren’t you always amazed that behaving well isn’t part of the criteria for dog show success? These dogs are allowed to show more personality than the Miss Universe contestants. I don’t know if I should applaud the WKC for that, or chastise Miss Universe. I’m so torn.

Anywho, do you think the haircuts on the cocker spaniels look like little dresses when they are running, or is that just me? I went looking for a video of this effect, but instead found a far more awesome photo of a dog in curlers from the good people of Madison Square Gardens:

It’s fine, I know you’re just here to look at pictures of dogs, I’m under no delusions about this and fully intend to include as many pictures of dogs as possible.

Moving on, the Clumber Spaniel seems like a misfit in the sporting category. They seem like they are not super sporty. In fact, they seem kind of like they’d hang out on the couch all day.

But, we can not ponder this conundrum about what it means to be a “sporty” dog any further, the winner has already been announced. Keep up, people, geesh. It’s the English Springer Spaniel, Liz, who has a much longer name that involves a very cute Elizabeth Taylor’ White Diamonds reference.

Coming back from commercial, we’re pretty sure that announcer just called the entire Working Group fat. “Here come the big dogs” is totally a euphemism. Oh wait, it’s not! Who knew that small bears were part of the Working Group at Westminster? They kept referring to this dog as a “Russian Terrier” but we’re pretty sure they’ve been punked.

Not to mention: the Hooch dog from Turner and Hooch was an actual breed! Shocking! We know, we know – everyone who knows anything about dog breeding already knew this. But we prefer to come at the subject from a position of ignorance. It makes our responses so much more organic. Apparently, Hooch was a Dogue de Bordeaux. Embarrassingly enough for multiple French teachers, in my head that translates to “dog of the wine area”. I refuse to use the google to see if it is correct, because if it weren’t I would still want to think it was.

The Giant Mop Dog is apparently considered the King of the Hungarian Livestock Guard Dogs. It is more appropriately called a Komondor, although in this particular case, the pup’s name is GCH Quintessential Chauncey. I would call him Quint for short, but they call him Chauncey. Dog people are weird.

Also, Giant Mop Dog is so awesome that I went on Doggie Stats and found you some extra pictures. You’re welcome.

Also, here’s Chauncey getting all dolled up for the show:

Adele the Kuvasz is apparently “similar” to the Komondor except for the coat… umm, well, that would mean they are nothing at all alike. See for yourself.

The Portuguese Water Dog’s bottom is showing. What a haircut.

There is much speculation that Portuguese Water Dog will indeed win the Working Dog group: his name is Matisse, and he’s won 238 best in shows, but after the Poodle scandal of yore, I’m pretty sure that televised dog shows are biased against dogs with insane haircuts these days. Mostly because it makes the entire “sport” look like Christopher Guest’s Best In Show was an actual documentary. Spoiler alert, while Matisse did win his group against all odds, he did not become ruler of all dogs in America.

Scandal! I has some. So, as a result of my insane diatribe against nepotism at the AKC back in November, I think it’s possible that the Samoyed group was rigged. Or perhaps the announcers were confused. Whichever is less likely to get us sued for libel. Also, it could be my own complete ignorance of dog shows. Six of one, amiright? Anywho, Play it Again Ham, also known as Bogey, was king of the Working Group at the AKC, but the announcers said his registered name was “Humphrey Bogart”. Consider this your sternly worded letter, announcers!

Oh no! While we were distracted with nepotism and bias, the threat to three dimensional life everywhere, the Bedlington Terrier, made it through to the Terrier Group. Be afraid, people be very afraid. Where did you lose your 3rd dimension Bedlington Terrier? Are you contagious? We are not ready for flat life! Panic at the Dog Show, PANIC!

It took me the rest of the terrier group to settle down after that threat to international security, but I looked on the internet and I’m pretty sure Good Time Charlie, the Skye Terrier won. It’s almost like they photoshopped that dog’s spine it’s so damn straight.

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Best in Show!

So, let’s quickly check in with last night’s winners:

In the Non-Sporting group: the Standard Poodle, Flame. It is no wonder Flame is not sporty – it’s like she’s wearing an evening gown.

Winner of the Herding Group: a giant freakin’ teddy bear. ZOMG, I just want to cuddle that dog right now.

Also, unrelated, I found a picture of all the Old English Sheepdogs that you must see because your heart will explode with happy feelings.

The Toy Group: Patty Hearst’s Shih Tzu, Rocket. Whatever, it’s not just hers, there are like three owners of the tiny puppy. But we all know it brings a bit of edge to the story if you randomly name drop.

Admit it: You totally want the Best in Show round to begin by poking at the judges and then lining them up in order the same way they do with the dogs just for shits and giggles. Sadly it does not work like that. Instead, the judges basically just run the dogs around in circles while the crowd desperately tries to influence the judging by extra hard clapping. It gets super rowdy up in there.

There is tension in the air. SO MUCH TENSION. Dogs are pulled out of order, reordered, and run in circles. Then, finally, it happens: the Best in Show is chosen and we can all get on with our lives.

The winner is the beagle! Miss P — call name “Peyton,” official champion’s name “Tashtins Lookin for Trouble” We are all very excited about this because it is only the second time a Beagle has won Westminster. And, beagles look like dogs – as opposed to the vacuum faced wire haired jerk dog that won last year.¹

Anywho, Westminster is over for yet another year. The ups, the downs, the highs, the lows – they must all wait until November for the AKC Dog Show. However, if you feel the need to atone for watching 3 hours of dogs in fancy haircuts, we recommend donating to your local animal shelter. Or, if you dont’ want to google it, just donate to our local animal shelter.

 

 

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1. I have no idea why I must mock you Sky. I’m sure you are a nice dog, I just can’t help it. ↩