1. Sarah Palin
We need to make it clear that we don’t want Trump’s big, stupid face on our televisions anymore. Remember those months and months and months after McCain lost but the media decided Sarah Palin was ratings gold and we couldn’t escape her angry low-information Beat poetry no matter how much we tried? Don’t think for one second that some cable news station won’t hire Trump for his “political insight.” Probably goddamned CNN. It will take a landslide, and a big one, to drive home the message that we are done listening to Trump and everyone involved with his bigoted, bonehead campaign. Is true peace for your ears and eyeballs worth a little get-out-the vote phone banking? You’re goddamned right it is.
2. Our fucking Constitution and deepest national principles, for Chrissakes.
Trump proposes, as a matter of policy, banning members of an entire religion from entering the United States.
3. Five goddamned Trump children.
There is a clear and present danger of one of them running for office unless we make the explicit point that the Trump name means instant electoral doom. No, stop pretending that Ivanka is awesome. Ivanka is not awesome. She is supporting a man who is courting and retweeting anti-Semitic groups when she and her husband and children are Jewish. The proper response to that is not “LOL, oh well, what are you going to do?” It is “Fuck you and your bigot-farm campaign, Dad.” Also, Ivanka filmed an ad for Donald, but asked that it not be publicized so as not to damage her brand. That is some two-faced chickenshit assholery no matter which side you’re on. We will inevitably screw up in many ways, but at least let’s not be the era that unleashed a political herd upon the world that manages to be even less deserving and more entitled than the Bushes.
4. He’s really fucking racist.
This isn’t Fox-News-drunkle-at-Thanksgiving racist. Trump and his repellent fuckhead sons have been actively courting Stormfront assholes. No jokes here. We shut this bullshit down, and we shut it down now. These assholes have the right to their repellent opinions, but that doesn’t mean we have to tolerate them in our mainstream politics. Out, you dumb bigot jagoffs. Go back to trying to build private islands out of Styrofoam and beer cans or whatever the fuck you do.
5. He has “empowered” other people who are really fucking racist.
We have always had racists in the United States, but at least in recent years we’d had them trained: Shut your stupid asshole mouths when decent people are around. It’s going to take years to undo the damage, but that process starts now, with a firm electoral spanking.
6. It’s time the Republican Party stopped courting goddamned racists.
They haven’t openly been after the Neo-Nazi folks like Trump has, but let’s not pretend the GOP hasn’t been pursuing the Southern Strategy since the ‘60s. And that involves making Lite Racists uncomfortable and anxious – Hello, you assbags at Fox – and then scooping them up with the whitest candidate in range. And all of that involves the exact nudge-wink courting of explicit white racists – and the ludicrous pretense that a lot of Lite Racism isn’t racism – that allowed Trump to happen. It won’t be long before our country’s demographics shift to the point where this repellent strategy won’t work anyway, but why not swat it out of play now? It would mean the Republican Party will have to actually think of a couple of ideas other than Nonwhite People Are Kind of Scary, which will admittedly be difficult and sad for the poor dears. But they’ve got LGBT People Are Scary and We Want the Opposite of Whatever Democrats Want to fall back on in the meantime. Jesus, what a bunch of fuckknees.
7. Mike Motherfucking Pence.
Remember: Trump’s reported pitch to John Kasich was that Trump would suck up all the attention-whore being-on-television duties and his Vice President would do the dumb old foreign and domestic policy stuff. Pence would be the guy who nearly bankrupted his state by signing a law that specifically allowed for anti-LGBT discrimination. He would also like people to be able to discriminate against atheists. He wants to destroy Planned Parenthood and free lunches for low-income school children. And he’s yet another asshole who wants to make legislative distinctions between rape and “forcible rape.” Trump is so spectacularly horrifuckulous that we haven’t really had time as a nation to look at what a raging scatbag Mike Pence is, but let’s be absolutely clear: Mike Pence is a top-tier sexist bigoted raging scatbag who deserves nothing but our scorn and a massive electoral loss.
8. Trump bragged about sexually assaulting women.
Again, it’s not just that some women have come forward with stories about Trump putting his terrifying wet plungermouth and tiny starfish hands all over them without their consent. Because after all, why would we listen to multiple women with similar stories that span decades? It’s that the women came forward to confirm Trump’s own skankball rapey boast about doing it. And it’s not just that he cops his revolting feels and reduces any woman in range to whether he, personally, would hit that. It’s that he thinks that behavior is part of what makes him so manly and neato. This is his example for the nation.
9. I’ve met meth addicts who are better at handling finances.
Trump’s own business record shows that he couldn’t run a fucking lemonade stand without going $600 million in debt and taking out perilous juice loans from the Russian mob. And he’d still be ruining his own sales by using fake arctic glacier shavings, bedazzling fake diamonds onto the goddamned Dixie cups, and charging $785 an ounce.
10 Trump is Putin’s frat pledge.
Yeah, remember that legendary business acumen from right above? Trump is such a bad financial risk that most American banks won’t lend to him. Which means, among other dangerous things, that wealthy Russian financiers are balls-deep in Trump’s businesses. Trump’s also had at least three top advisors with financial ties to Russia, not that there’s anything wrong with that unless they try to unscrupulously shift U.S. policy which – Oops! – they totally have. Plus Trump is a screechingly, pathetically insecure blusterer who seeks to cling to strong authoritarian figures to reassure him with their toughness. Thus the many doodles of Putin’s name and Trump’s name all over Trump’s World Civ notebook.
11. He’s actively trying to stir up violence against the media.
That would be against the press in general and against specific members of the press who have offended his gossamer-thin babyman feelings. Again, there are no jokes here. This is not a thing to fuck around with. We need a free gadfly press to make the whole democracy thing work. The fact that Trump doesn’t want one is what is known as a tell. One of the genuinely great things about this country is that we have made firm points about not wanting anyone’s fascist bullshit. It is very much time to make another one.
12. Trump is a pathological liar. Worse, he’s pitifully bad at it.
It’s not brazen and ballsy when you claim that you didn’t say that thing you said on tape an hour ago. It’s wretched dumbfuckery. Trump is so unused to being challenged and so lacking in basic cognitive abilities that he is unable to explain or justify the crashingly stupid and offensive things that come roiling out of his sewerface. It’s blurt and deny, blurt and deny. There are literal nursery schoolers who are more skilled at mendacity. At a minimum – AT A ROCK-BOTTOM END-TIMES MINIMUM – we as a nation should demand basic competence in political lying.
13. Trump stiffs contractors and steals from his workers.
That doesn’t make him “smart” or a “shrewd businessman” or “The King of Debt” or “The Baron of I Wish I’d Thought of Monopoly” or whatever raggedy-ass yearbook wish-he-had-friends nickname he’s giving himself today. It makes him a skunkdick thief. One who runs his businesses dishonestly and still can’t get them to turn a profit. (By the way, at least one contractor Trump stiffed said that Ivanka was the one who told him he wouldn’t be getting his final, crucial payment. Stop fucking pretending that Ivanka is awesome.)
14. He doesn’t know anything about anything.
He doesn’t know about foreign policy. He doesn’t know about domestic policy. He doesn’t know about “the cyber.” He doesn’t know about any aspect of life for American nonwhites that he hasn’t picked up from ‘70s exploitation movies. He doesn’t know that a single Senator can’t change the tax code. He doesn’t know how international treaties or Supreme Court rulings work. He is asking for us to give him a job that involves understanding thousands of complex things and he couldn’t pass a 6th-grade civics test if you made it open book.
15. He cannot run a fucking campaign.
No ground game. A failure to understand the basic rules for GOP primaries. A complete inability to stop horrifying, let alone reach, anyone who wasn’t in the 43% who were going to vote for him no matter what. His entire strategy has consisted of shouting insults, shouting boasts, shouting lies, passing on racist memes, and screeching about the non-crimes of Hillary Clinton’s e-mail server. The most savvy move he’s made in a year and a half is letting his aides take away his tweeting phone. And he is the first Presidential candidate in history to be able to move past an immediately disqualifying scandal by having so many other immediately disqualifying scandals that it’s impossible for voters and the media to keep one in proper focus. The man is a Whack-a-Mole game of corruption, bigotry, sexism, and filth. Except for the fact that a Whack-a-Mole occasionally offers a small prize.
Trump will never again get the same burst of positive attention that he got at the GOP convention, and he will pathetically chase that high for the rest of his life if we let him. In addition, Trump’s company has been billing his own campaign, which means that tangerine dipshit might actually make a profit for once in his life. Do you really want this antibiotic-resistant festering meagaboil of an election to happen all over again? Do not let that asshole run in perpetuity. Damage Trump’s brand and damage it hard. If the name Trump isn’t floating in the gutter with Olestra and Edsel, we have not done our jobs.
17. We are better than this.
We are by no means a perfect nation, but we are better than this. We are better than any piece of this. It’s time to prove it to ourselves and the world. Let’s bury that bigoted, loudmouthed, pathetically needy, fascistic, sexist, thieving, wadded-up used tissue of a human being in votes