Yee-ha! Let’s round ‘em up! It’s the end of 2014, and this year’s movie trend was…well, the emerging style was…hmmm. Okay, let’s face it: a bunch of movies came out, some good, some bad, some indifferent. Here they are, in handy listicle format:
Under the Skin – Creepy sci-fi/horror by director Jonathan Glazer (Sexy Beast, Radiohead’s “Karma Police” video). Scarlett Johansson slays as an alien running amok in Scotland. And she takes off her clothes. How did this movie fail at the box office?
The Double – Deep weirdness from Richard Ayoade (Moss from The I.T. Crowd!). Starring Jesse Eisenberg and Mia Wasikowska, this David Lynch/Terry Gilliam pastiche disappeared without a trace but deserved to be a hit.
Guardians of the Galaxy – Big Hollywood comic book fun. Better than all those superhero movies put together, and best soundtrack of the year (ever?).
Non-Stop – This looked like it would be another one of those Liam Neeson ‘Dude with the Special Skills’ crapfests, but turned out to be a taut suspenseful thriller.
Godzilla – Giant radioactive lizard gets back on track after disastrous 1998 appearance. Possibly best performance since battle with Smog Monster in 1971.
Snowpiercer – Post-apocalyptic class war on endless train ride. Sleeper hit of the year from director Bong Joon-Ho. We welcome our insane South Korean overlords.
Veronica Mars – mostly in-jokes for fans of TV show.
Only Lovers Left Alive – Jim Jarmusch. Tilda Swinton. Vampires. Should have been a lot better.
Fury – Brad Pitt. WWII. Tanks. Should have been a lot better.
A Most Wanted Man – John Le Carre. Philip Seymour Hoffman. See above.
The Monuments Men – Forgettable movie wastes great cast including Clooney, Damon, Goodman, and Bill Murray.
Jersey Boys – Clint Eastwood tries to turn The Four Seasons into the Sopranos. Boo.
America: Imagine the World Without Her – Right wing agit-prop from convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza. I can’t believe a movie this bad was even released.
Noah – Didn’t Darren Aronofsky used to be cool? What happened?
Tammy – White trash odyssey doesn’t deliver the laffs.
Endless Love – Why did they even bother remaking this piece of shit anyway? And with this no-talent cast?
The Trials of Jesus:
When the Game Stands Tall – They bait you with a football movie, and it turns all Jesus half an hour in. 15 yard penalty for movie poster fraud, 10 extra yards for wasting Laura Dern in a bit part.
Heaven is for Real – Gregg Kinnear finds Jesus in the exurbs, or something. I don’t know, I gave up after the first 15 minutes. Loss of filmmaking license for all involved, Kinnear sentenced to 5 years hosting Talk Soup.
God’s Not Dead – Snot-nosed punk kid debates Kevin Sorbo about existence of Almighty. More tedious than it sounds. Like an hour and a half “Marine Todd” story played straight. Sorbo and Dean Cain sent back to career purgatory, everyone else involved in this travesty returns to the YouTube comment section from which they came.
That’s it for 2014, unless you count all the movies I didn’t see:
The Theory of Everything
Into the Woods
The Imitation Game
But those movies probably sucked anyway.