Welcome to the great dark depression of February. As you know, the planets are responsible for your emotional state. It’s not your fault you screamed at the clerk when you couldn’t get the pre-release of Street Fighter Five, because stars.
INYF, Aries. Overreact much? Yeah, you did. I know you’re going to ignore these feelings of sadness and regret and just project them as rage against someone totally undeserving, because you totally suck at personal responsibility. Too bad, because there is an option to grow a little here. Say you’re sorry, I dare you.
INYF, Taurus. In a good turn, you are one of the most loyal friends of all time. (Actually,you’re just a stubborn slob who can’t be bothered to put in the time to make new friends.) But something new is on the horizon, a relaxed, comfortable something new, like shoes that are already broken in. Old shoes. That’s crazy fun in the Taurus house.
INYF, Gemini. You have two choices (I do this because I love torturing you): 1. Turn that mental craze you get this week inward and lose about a week of sleep, but recover in a mild way. or 2. Unleash that mental revolution garbage on the world and get some instant gratification, but do some irreparable damage to someone you love. It’s sad how much you’re going to debate this obvious decision. And how many of you are going to get it wrong.
INYF, Cancer. There isn’t enough corn whiskey or crocheted afghans in the world to warm up the chill that has settled into your home. Nothing messes more with your hermit-stranger-danger attitude than when your respite space gets uncomfortable. The only one that can really mess this up is you– there are options beyond going nuclear to warm up and feel safe.
INYF, Leo. Reflection time, catguts. Put down the mirror (pretty you, yes yes) and evaluate you over the past few months. Because you’re always sooooo open to criticism,this assessment could prepare you before the auditors come calling this week. Hopefully that will keep you from exploding and giving them something to really castigate you for.
INYF, Virgo. This week, miss priss, you could get dirty. In a whirlwind of exhilaration and total reckless abandon- the stuff they write romance novels about. Only If you let yourself follow your impulse-which is totally against your nature. Think of the diseases you could catch! Aw, nevermind. Go back to straight laced boots. Fun is not in your lexicon.
INYF, Libra. Your groupies (aka friends) will suddenly get busy this week. Your social juices will dry up. That typical charm you use to get what you want – it’s on a downswing for a bit. A situation that you’re horribly uncomfortable with: being alone. You can either use this time to learn about yourself, or just avoid it by making new groupies at the bar. Guess which one I’m betting on, you lush.
INYF, Scorpio. You can be wacky and funny. The problem is that so often you take it too far and end up being heavy-breather-creepy. Here’s my tip for you this week, since your charm quotient will be up a bit: before telling that humorous anecdote– remove half of it. When you’re talking, stop three sentences before you want to. You *might* not come off as disturbed.
INYF, Sagittarius. When you don’t get your way, you’re an annoying spoiled brat. This is rare, as normally, you get what you want handed to you on a platter. Work for it? Nope. You work for lofty philosophical abstractions, getting your way is just they way the world works, right? Prepare to whine and tantrum this week when things you take for granted are no more. (Accept with grace? HA!)
INYF, Capricorn. He smiles like Charlie Sheen. She’s read White Oleander. They both have luxury-leather-I’m rich cars, and promise you trips, catered and pampered and far away from the rabble that surrounds you. You may have found someone to look good with, that second half to your powerhouse couple. Just enjoy it, even though their vows are as empty as yours.
INYF, Aquarius. Progression through this week will be like laying too long in a tanning bed. You feel tired (despite a lack of physical exertion) and stretched a little thin. When people look at you, they see a swollen freak. Add emotional distance and a stink of intellectual superiority, and it’s like any day of your week.
INYF, Pisces. Forget doing the work. Forget asking for help. Forget taking a little initiative to figure it out yourself. The universe obviously wants you to feel like a failure. It’s not because you’re too terrified to take responsibility that you take no action at all. It’s not because you’re so wrapped up in making sure everyone knows it’s not you that you get nothing done. Good work!
Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer. firstname.lastname@example.org
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