It is the week of gadgets: the Consumer Electronics Show is upon us. And there are some ridiculously awesome gadgets. But that is not what we are focusing on. Because we are jerks. Instead we are focusing on the absurdly terrible gadgets that no one wants.
And so we bring you 5 gadgets coming soon to a garage sale near you:
1. The Pacif-i
This “smart” pacifier will not only pacify your child, it will also constantly monitor their temperature. Now, I am not a parent, so feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but WTF? Seriously, why do you need to know your child’s temperature ALL THE TIME? And if you do, how are you ever going to master that hand to forehead technique that all parents should have? The one feature this pacifier has that could be appealing is that it has an alarm on it, so that if your baby is an irresponsible jerk who loses things you can just beep-beep and follow the noise. Of course, with a pricetag of $47 US dollars you could buy like 30 of these pacifiers from Amazon for the same price and just pretend you didn’t see the binky that rolled under the check out stand at the grocery store.
In other baby related gadgets, there is the smart bottle, brought to you from the makers of the Smart Fork. Similar principle at work: EAT MORE SLOWLIER.
In the increasingly creepy field of home security, Netatmo’s new camera will recognize you and your loved ones when you enter a room. It will also record what you do in that room. And file it away forever. And no, this is not a nanny-cam because it has revolutionary facial recognition software that will text you when people come into your house. So it’s a nanny-cam with attitude. It will also alert you when people you don’t know enter the house. Particularly creepy if you are in your house at the time. Its extra smart-ness means it can’t be fooled by anyone. Except your teenagers, who will obviously throw a blanket over it. As a particularly not sneaky teenager who got caught out all the time, even I would know how to do that.
3. Belty: The Motorized Smart Belt
If you are waist oblivious and can’t tell if your pants are snug or loose, these people have the solution. A GIANT motorized belt. Sure to help you lose weight. Somehow.
While we hate to disagree with Tech Times, Rollkers will not be the future of transportation. Call us luddites, but if 20 years from now everyone is rolling around in glorified play-skool skates, we will eat our own shorts. Does this mean we do not want them RIGHT NOW? No, no it doesn’t. But, we also wanted Wheelies very badly.
5. The Wi-Fi Kettle
Selling for $150 a pop, we can not figure out when we would have a tea emergency so drastic that we must turn the kettle on instantly from our office, car, or other remote location. ‘Course, were to have such a tea-mergency, we assume we would also have forgotten to put water in the kettle. But maybe you want to make tea before you get out of bed? Well, if you would like a kettle with a timer, for early morning tea needs, those already exist. They sell for under $50. The difference? They lack an internet connection and you can’t turn them on from your phone. That’s what makes it awesome, you say. You are paying $100 to turn your kettle on from your phone. We can’t talk to you anymore. Wait! It comes in pretty colors! Don’t leave me here all alone, I just put the kettle on.