5 Things Not to Do at Barrister's Ball

Doug Stephan Columns, law school, Lawyer 2 Comments

The great Disney philosopher Tony Perkis once stated, “Can you smell it? There’s a life force in here tonight. Do you feel it?” Today, that statement could not be truer. I can feel it in my plums. Its electric in the hallowed halls of jurisprudence. Its Barrister’s Ball time! Law schools across the country are setting up tables in their lounge to sell tickets to the yearly dumpster fire.

We here at Bitter Lawyer have long strived to provide you with the best advice on this annual gala. With that in mind, we present the 5 Things Not To Do At Barrister’s Ball.

1. There’s No Crying In Baseball Barrister’s Ball

Do not end up in tears. Maybe your after hours study buddy is Cha Cha Sliding with the cute first year or maybe you simply have whisky tears after shots with your woo girls. Either way this cannot happen. Nobody, and I mean nobody, respects the person who cries in front of everyone while drunk. Plus, it’s sloppy and highly unattractive—you just become the school’s hot mess.

2. Don’t Throw Up . . .

in public. Listen, I am not going to sit here on my high horse and act like I haven’t had a few too many throughout a night. Having said that, don’t do it in public in view of people you learn from/will be requesting a job from/will go to class with on Monday. Just remember, in college you likely spent many of your weekends in a bar and now you are spending your weekends studying to pass the bar. Your tolerance is low and it will show . . . just not in public.

3. PDA

Don’t. Just don’t. First of all, making out stopped being fun in 8th grade. Second, while your classmates don’t want to see you playing tonsil hockey, more importantly, you don’t want your classmates seeing you play tonsil hockey. Forget about it being posted on Twitter. Welcome to—population you.

4. Don’t Get All Existential

You are drunk. Sitting in a room with other drunk smartish people. Pondering why most everyone in the room has paid 40 grand each to be unemployed in six months. Classic case of right discussion, wrong time. And by wrong time I mean you should have had this conversation your junior year of college. First of all, this is a quick way to become the person in headline 1. Second of all, nobody will like you. You are like the kid at prom that kept requesting “Good Riddance” or whatever song Vitamin C used to sing. It’s okay at the end of the year but come Monday you will still have three more months of studying. Oh, and if law school is the “time of your life,” you need to immediately change your life. Seriously, stop reading and change your life’s perspective. Stop. Go make a poor decision that you will cause you to amend your bar application.

5. Don’t Act Too Cool

Is it prom? Yes. But you get to drink (legally) at this prom so why not have fun. You hopefully have been working hard the past year in an effort to avoid working at Chili’s next fall—so enjoy yourself. However, there is a big difference between “enjoying” yourself and “embarrassing” yourself.

  • Do get all dressed up. Everybody looks better when dressed up.
  • Do laugh at your professor who keeps asking how to do the Harlem Shake.
  • Do punch a classmate in the face if they bring their exam outline to the event.
  • Don’t pass out at your table.
  • Don’t break things.
  • Don’t get arrested (I will blog about you. That’s not 100% guaranteed—it is 100000% guaranteed. Like sticking your head up a bull’s ass).

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  • southern bitter

    ahh… memories.

  • Go make a poor decision that you will cause you to amend your bar application.

    “Go make a poor decision that you will cause you to amend your bar application.”
    maybe you should try editing your work