The $5,000 Résumé

Doug Stephan Lawyer, News & Views 2 Comments

golden resumeDebbie Michelle Zamacona has pulled the craziest résumé move of all time. Emphasis on crazy. The 40-year-old Georgian claimed a ghost stole her curriculum vitae — which she valued at $5,000. Five. Thousand. Dollars.

I understand many people use the fancy paper for their résumé, but this is a power move and a half by Zamacona. According to the police report, Zamacona claimed a ghost stole a paper documenting her criminal history, a black and blue blouse, and of course what I can only imagine was a gold plated résumé. It does really make me wonder what was on her résumé.

With the job market as tight as it is nowadays, résumé writing has become a true art form. Do I include my class rank? GPA? Does anyone actually care that I studied abroad in Junior year of college? What’s my Objective? Umm . . . to move out of my parents’ basement and have enough money to occasionally drink something above well liquor when I am at the bar. What the hell are “skills” and “achievements”? I once ate 15 White Castle sliders . . . is that an achievement? Don’t even get me started on my skills. Girls only like guys who have skills. My skills: I wear fancy suits and say big words to a judge while I act like I know what I am doing. Boom . . . skills.

Then there is the stretching the truth portion of résumé writing. Does knowing the proper way to pronounce Chipotle make me bilingual? I spent a summer being the law firm bitch = “gained valuable knowledge researching and drafting motions and pleadings for a high volume litigation practice.” Computer skills: I know how to turn on a computer and use Microsoft Word. This likely makes me more proficient than a majority of your firm’s partners.

But stretching the truth for a résumé valued at FIVE GRAND?!? It takes a lot to surprise me with the amount of crazy that is out there, but when a “ghost thief” is the second craziest thing in a story you know this lady is special. I really hope police catch this villain so I can see this résumé. I don’t want to see it – I need to see it. Do you think she is proficient Word Perfect and Microsoft Word? I bet for 5 G’s she has to know all the secret shortcuts on Excel. It’s official — next job interview I am just going to tell them a ghost stole my résumé instead of giving them mine. Done and done.

Post image courtesy of Shutterstock.

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  • Ashley Casas

    This seriously made my day! You are not the only one who wants to see the content of that resume! I am dying to see what kind of paper she used. Must be speckled with diamonds.

  • Lou

    Ashley sounds like she has possibilities. How about it, Ashley. Spill!