6 Useless Legal Services To Offer In Prison

Bitter Contributor Columns, Lawyer 1 Comment

Every associate in Big Law knows that if they ever get sent to the slammer, they are immediately going to offer their high-end legal services in exchange for physical protection. The problem is, there is not much call for their useless associate skills in the joint.

And the one thing scarier than being a Big Law lawyer with no work is being a jailhouse lawyer with no work.

I can just hear that jailhouse associate sing. Here are six useless jailhouse services the associate could offer in exchange for protection:

1“Hey, just wanted to let you know I have got some extra bandwidth if you are looking to staff your next habeas petition. Let me know.”

2“Hey, I’m having a client appreciation event in the weight room later. Everyone gets half a cigarette — feel free to stop by.”

3“Hey, while we are waiting on your appeal to come through, I thought I could do some non-billable work — maybe put together a CLE PowerPoint for you to present on recent developments in Dodd Frank compliance . . . or 4th Amendment law — whichever you think the guys would like to learn more about.”

4“Hey, I have been researching your case, and I really think it sounds like there’s not much to appeal.  I mean, you pleaded guilty, and you loudly maintain your guilt to this day to anyone who talks to you. But listen, I want to keep you on my mailing list. Sometimes I like to put out a little newsletter about recent developments in corporate securities class action litigation (and — fair warning — I do dabble in intellectual property occasionally). You think you’d be down for that?”

5“Hey, listen, I am not super busy with your appeal right now, but I still really do need you to keep protecting me.  So do you want me to, like, help you research and write an article for publication or something?”

6“Listen, I reviewed all the documents related to that 7-11 you knocked off.  It took me like, 10 minutes.  Doesn’t look like anything is privileged.  So . . . yeah, most of that is coming in . . . err . . . came in, I guess.  Properly.  So . . . do you have any more documents? Because . . . that’s really all I know how to do.”


From guest contributor Dave H.

Post image from Shutterstock.

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  • http://www.burtdavies.com.au/ Andrew

    thanks for the laugh this morning, I needed it.