What a strange week of Internet news. Racist ice cream and birth control dominated the news cycle this week. In the sport’s world people are dumbfounded how Ryan Braun could have his suspension for possible steroid use thrown out, for a technicality. Defense lawyers call that a Tuesday. And most of the time the client’s offense is far worse than ‘roid rage.
The entertainment world spent the weekend listening to Tim Gunn crush dress choices on the Red Carpet like he is Regina George from Mean Girls. At least he is better than Kelly Osbourne. Since when does being Ozzy Osbourne’s daughter provide a qualification for anything? Not to mention Sacha Baron Cohen being painfully unfunny to Ryan Seacrest. The Oscars is Seacrest’s Super Bowl and Borat just takes a dump on his parade. In douchebag news, the 1% hit an all-time low when a California banker left $1.33 and a note to “get a real job” as his tip for a $133.54 bill. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the only problem minimum wage employees had to deal with this week, as we roundup: Assholes Who Bother Minimum Wage Workers.
The Grand Slam of Crackheads
James Summers; I like your style. The 52-year-old waltzed into a Madison, Wisconsin, Denny’s with a hankering for a hamburger. Summers walked right past the counter and announced he was taking over. “[Summers] never announced he was one of the pros from Dover, but the briefcase toting gentleman wearing a maroon tie and long black trench coat was quite clear; he had been sent by corporate.” The actual manager argued with Summers, but Summers stated the decision was final and he was “going to commence his duties.” Summers then began “cooking himself up a cheeseburger and fries,” while the actual manager got on the phone with Denny’s corporate headquarters to try to find out why a new GM was at her location. It turns out that Summers is actually just a crackhead with a very creative plot for a free cheeseburger and fries. When police arrived they found an unregistered stun gun on Summers’s belt, as well as a few crack pipes.
I might be mistaken but James Summers is management material in my book. Is there such thing as a crackhead power move? I’m pretty sure that is exactly what Summers just pulled here. James had a craving for a Denny’s cheeseburger and concocted a ruse to go about it. When the actual manager starts to argue and question him, Summers says the decision is final and starts working the griddle. He is like the Michael Scott of fast food. He might be a crazy crackhead but that is a Boss move in my book.
They See Me Rollin’ They Hatin.’
John Christopher Champion took a different route when he brandished a pocketknife and demanded cash from behind the register at a Chevron gas station. Champion taunted the worker throughout the ordeal. The clerk fought back and stabbed Champion three times in the legs. Champion then grabbed a 12-pack of beer and a roll of electrical tape (always handy) and fled the store. Champion was caught outside the store when his wheelchair got stuck in the sand. Ooops, forgot to tell you. Champion is wheelchair bound. Police officers found Champion, still stuck in the sand, drinking a Bud Light Lime. He has since been charged with armed robbery and aggravated battery. No word yet on a possible revocation of Champion’s Man Card for drinking Bud Light Lime.
I Have 19 Inches In My Pants
Of television. A 19-inch television in my pants. At least Eric Lee King tried to stuff a 19-inch television in his pants and walk out of an Eagan, Minnesota, store. King made it to the parking lot when a police officer noticed he did not try to pick up a box of candy he had dropped. Upon further examination, the officer also noticed King walking awkwardly due to a large rectangular object in his pants. The officer also found a remote control, power cords, and a bottle of brake fluid. I don’t want to know where he tried to hide those objects.
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