Amanda Knox: America's New (Accused Murderer) Sweetheart

Today I learned that I was the only person on earth who didn’t know who Amanda Knox was. Or at least that’s what everyone wants you to think these days, that they are up on all the latest in hot chick murder trials.  But come on, can someone else please admit this is the first they heard of this person? I read the newspaper as much as the next guy (rarely) and I’m on the HuffPos and Facebook and Twitter wire (often), yet her name barely registered for me until yesterday. Then, suddenly, she’s a pop culture phenom. Much like her BFF, Casey Anthony, everyone seemed to know everything about this girl overnight. Where she gets her eyebrows done, where she buys her cutlery, how many roommates she didn’t kill, etc.

Here’s the deal: 95 percent of people pretending they followed this case from the beginning are full of shit. You maybe-kind-of-remember her name, vaguely, and then pretended yesterday that you had been a regular Court TV viewer for the past few years. Not that it really matters, but I just wanted you to know that I know you’re a liar. It’s also hilarious that people acted relieved after the verdict came in, posting things like “justice has finally been served.”  “Yeah, the poor girl has suffered enough.” I have no idea if justice has been served, but do you really feel that strongly? I mean, she looks nice enough, but who knows? OJ looked like a pretty standup guy too.

Not to be a total asshole, just a bit of an asshole, but after a rudimentary review of the Wikipedia page about the case, I think there is a chance this girl was up to no good. She seems to have lied to investigators about a lot of stuff. I’ve never been charged with murder, but if I ever was, especially in a foreign country, I’m not admitting to jack. Did I kill my roommate? No. Did I shoot the clerk? No. Did I litter? No.

She said she was home asleep with her Italian boyfriend. When questioned by the cops, the boyfriend said, yeah she was home but maybe she left after he fell asleep. Wow, either he’s the world’s worst boyfriend or he didn’t trust her either. Pretty sure any girlfriend would kill her boyfriend for not vouching for them when they are suspected of murdering their roommate. That’s Boyfriend 101.

Regardless of what actually happened, I have to hand it to the Italians for proving they are not First World when it comes to their legal system. Here are a few golden nuggets from trusty Wikipedia that made my eyes roll.

On their star witnesses:

Knox’s version of events was contradicted by a witness, who testified that he had seen Knox and Sollecito chatting animatedly on a basketball court around five times between 9.30 and midnight on the night of the murder. At the appeals trial, the witness, a homeless heroin addict who has appeared as a witness in a number of murder trials, offered contradicting testimony concerning the date he said he saw Knox and Sollecito and other crucial details about his testimony.

You gotta love it when the Italian courts pull out the old reliable herion addict as their go-to witness in murder trials!  But if Knox and her man were indeed arguing on a basketball court at that hour, I would put money on the fact that they killed that girl. Nobody randomly goes to a basketball court to argue.

A Perugia shopkeeper testified that Knox had gone to his supermarket at 7:45 on the morning after the murder, at a time when she was, according to her account, still at Sollecito’s. The shopkeeper first informed police of his recollection months after the crime occurred at the prompting of a reporter who was his friend. A worker in the shop testified that she had not seen Knox.

You also gotta love a reporter needing to sell some papers, who gets his pal the shopkeeper suddenly to remember seeing a murder suspect at his store. Nice one.

A few Bill Maher style New Rules I learned from the Amanda Knox trial:

1Never live in a flat in Italy. Wasn’t the girl from Taken taken from a flat in Italy? Maybe I’m misremembering, but the words flat and Italy seem like a recipe for bloodshed.

2Never sign anything given to you by an Italian police officer. It may be an admission of murder. Knox claimed the Italian investigators deprived her of sleep and slapped her around a bit, otherwise known as Standard Law & Order SVU techniques. So she signs a statement saying she saw some guy come into the victim’s room, which she later recanted. Idiot. I thought this rule was common knowledge to everyone who’s ever watched TV or a movie before or been imprisoned in Guatanamo. You don’t admit anything…unless they waterboard you…then you admit everything!

3Never slander anyone in Italy. It’s not like here where you can talk shit all day on Twitter with no repurcussions. Following an investigation into Knox’s statements that she was mistreated by police during questioning about the murder, a case for criminal slander was opened against her in June 2010. In November 2010, Knox was ordered to stand trial on the slander charge by a judge in Perugia. That’s the one thing she was found guilty of. Lucky for Knox she already served four years. But if she hadn’t, she’d still be serving 3 years in prison for calunnia (misleading and obstruction) against her former employer.

Oh, and don’t get your parents involved in your shit:

In February 2011, Knox’s parents, Curt Knox and Edda Mellas, were indicted on charges of criminal slander as a result of an interview published in 2009, in which they stated that their daughter “had not been given an interpreter, had not received food and water, and had been physically and verbally abused” by police officers after her arrest. Knox and Mellas had sought to have charges dismissed, on the grounds that there was no intent. The trial of Knox and Mellas was adjourned until 24 January 2012.

So let me get this straight, your daughter spends four years in an Italian prision for a murder she didn’t commit and you do everything you can and say anything you can to get her out– as any parent in that situation would do– and then you go on trial for criminal slander. Damn, I thought Italians were all about family!

Anyway, I guess the point is, I’m glad she’s home. Yay, Amanda.  Now I can start trying to make that Casey Anthony-Amanda Knox accused murderer threesome a reality.


  • Michelle Beth

    Hey what’s going on with the unethical and amoral? He sounded as if his manhood has been diminished for not knowing who Amanda Knox was. Being so insecure and defensive what makes him think he can handle a Casey Anthony-Amanda Knox accused murderer threesome.

    • Guano Dubango

      I am not sure I would want to trust either of these women in bed. You had another woman named Bobitt a few years ago who cut off her husband’s penis. That would not want to be me. Perhaps a threesome with Alma Federer and Michelle Beth, but not with these two alleged murderers, unless of course, I had protective armour over my private parts that I could use after I employed such parts for the designated purpose with them (and they were handcuffed for my protection).

      • Michelle Beth

        I have zero interest in you, Guano. Maybe Alma and Ellen are receptive to the idea of a threesome with you. Good luck.

  • Karen

    Funny stuff. Really. But my only question is your recommendation of never living in a flat in Italy. Everyone lives in a flat in Italy. Where else do you recommend living, then? Under a bridge in a cardboard box? Or maybe in the Coliseum?

  • Brother of Guano

    If I am ever homeless i am getting to italy somehow and will defame someone. Anything to stay in Italy, eat Italian food and hang out with jailed American tourists.

  • TexJudge

    As we lawyer types know, but what the New York dominated media and the general public DO NOT, the decision of the Italian court to acquit Knox DOES NOT mean she did not commit the murder or was not involved as, say, an accessory. Same is true of Casey Anthony and OJ, both of whom almost certainly were factually guilty even if not legally so. I bet Law Firm 10 wouldn’t behave like this.