Previously: The models got trademark looks and Cherish lost the mind that was encased in all her NATURAL RED HAIR. There were nude photos. Krislian hated her hair and felt less than confident. Courtney wanted everyone to be quiet so she could sleep and ended up arguing with the universe. Cherish got kicked off in spite of being a unicorn! Let’s go!
Night in the Model Brownstone! Courtney’s group shot nakey photo (with Giah and Tash) is on display!
That’s weird, right? Can we agree on that? Prudity aside, it’s weird to have nude photos of some of the members in the house up in the house? OK, maybe not. I don’t know your life. I’m just saying that for me, personally, I might be spending more mornings eating breakfast in the yard. Also Tash and co hate Courtney like she is made of wasp stings and carbs, so they’re not crazy about her win. Courtney and Giah hug as the twins huddle up for strength. Courtney admits that it’s not the least murderous vibe she’s felt in the house, but she’s feeling good about the win. Tash interviews that Courtney is evil and conniving and knows how to make herself look like the victim.
Someone who isn’t directly on camera, I think Coryanne, tactfully tells Krislian that she’s glad that she herself wasn’t in the bottom two. Krislian, of course, was in the bottom two. Krislian keeps getting told that she’s too sexy and too Instagram for Top Model. She threatens to dress like a boy whenever she goes to panel.
Coryanne is on the phone with a pal. She can’t wait to get back to LA and hates being away from her friends and family. She says it’s horrible, because life is going on without her and she’s missing out on everything. But she does tell her friend that she has beautiful hair now, so OK. Coryanne finishes the segment by interviewing how much she misses her friends. Uh-oh. The missing-home phone call is often an omen of doom on ANTM
In the morning, the models try some product placement makeup. Tatiana is cagey enough to interview that she goes into the special makeup room all the time to try some on and says how much she loves it. She’s a smart woman – Tatiana is also the one who knows who the designers and photographers are this season. I’m not sure why she’s not getting more love in terms of camera time. Probably because she is too emotionally stable.
Paige, also no dummy, is careful to repeat the company’s catchphrase and say it’s legit.
RitAlert!
OK, it’s social media week, so get ready for a light dragging of most of your core values. Rita starts that off by saying that “being a brand” is not just about who you are, but how you present yourself to the world. After we kill Hitler, I would really like to use the first time machine to go back and prevent the world from taking anything that comes out of a marketing department seriously. Rita tells the ladies not to be followers and to let other people follow you.
Giah worries that she has fewer followers than the other girls, but she knows that she knows how to take a good picture. Giah is also getting shorted on camera time for not being volatile or a loon. Just keep being charming and pithy in those interstitials, Giah. They know they need you.
Industria studios! Rita is there! Today is all about building your brand through social media. Tatiana calmly and astutely says that social media is crucial for a model, because a cover photo can only take you so far, but an online photo reaches the world. Yeowch. Take that, Paper. I wonder how Drew feels about that.
Also here? It’s master of social media DJ Khaled! He says branding yourself and being self-made is important. The key is to put a good message out there. He says, for example, that he’ll do a photo of himself with sunlight on him and then have a message about how no one can stop him. Something like this.
The models will be split into teams of two (uh-oh) and they will be hitting the streets to film each other in Tezenis lingerie. Getting the models unclothed early and often: It’s another tactic that’s tough to argue with. Rita Ora models for Tezenis and also designs for them because everyone is a designer now.
She assures us that this is the biggest lingerie brand “overseas.” OK, blah blah be a boss and win and take it to the next level catchphrase catchphrase let’s go. The models have 30 minutes to film a compelling 10-second story. Like Snapchat! We’re speaking the name of Snapchat this year instead of saying “social media” over and over, so that’s an improvement.
Krislian interviews that she should have the upper hand because she has 50,000 followers and she’s really good at social media. Also they’ve spent three freaking weeks bitching at her for being too Instagram, so good luck wielding that as a critique today.
The ladies try on underwear and Kyle tells Krislian she looks fine as hell. Krislian says that’s the problem: She’s not supposed to look sexy anymore.
DJ Khaled gathers the models with some urgency because he has some advice: To be a superstar, you have to be a superstar. SHUT UP. THAT’S WHAT HE SAID. He elaborates, saying that the fans and the people who support you have to be connected with you and believe in you. Be it. Do it. Live it. And then he makes them all shout “Major key!” OK, fine.
Paige and Cody hit the New York streets in huge white bathrobes and their skivvies.
Sweet Freya, I hope the models are all being followed by like 15 enormous bodyguards. Paige suggests they hit a major intersection, which I’m sure they were able to do with their camera crew in a completely spontaneous way. Paige is happy to be in underwear. She also proudly lets Cody know she has a little catchphrase ready. Paige poses and says “Beautiful city, bold sexy [something], and one brilliant mind. Now that’s a major key!” Paige gestures at her own body when she says “bold, sexy [noun] and at her own head when she says “one brilliant mind.” She also gives the OK sign as she says “Now that’s a major key!”
In case you were wondering why Paige can sometimes be a little much.
The pair switches it up and Cody says sometimes it’s fun to transform in your lingerie, and sometimes it’s fun to be yourself. And then she zips away on a scooter, shrieking happily. DJ Khaled and Rita Ora both like it because it’s authentic. Paige seems like an OK girl underneath the Paige Presents Paige as PAIGE!! stuff. I hope she can relax into being herself too one day.
A sadistic monster/genius has paired Binta and Courtney. Which means they are on a rooftop bickering in high heels and underpants. I salute you, new Top Model. You are what we prayed for.
Binta can also be a bit much, it is true, but today she is making the very good point that Courtney is nervous and frustrated because she can’t work the phone, which means that Courtney won’t do the two things that would help, which would be to shut up and surrender the phone to Binta so she can do it.
Binta interviews that Courtney is combative when she stresses out (true), and they didn’t have much time. They start to get a take and Courtney stops because she doesn’t even think they’re in the right app. I can’t believe Binta hasn’t thrown her over the railing.
Courtney interviews that she was stressed out by the challenge. Oh, really? Courtney says it was a big, hot mess, which it didn’t have to be. We cut back to Courtney who is still mulishly wrestling with the phone while Binta begs her to get some fucking footage in the can and stop watching everything. Courtney stops and yells at Binta to give her a second because her video isn’t in there – and I can see how Binta in Relentless Mode might not be useful – and then she gets mad and gives Binta the phone and storms away, which is precisely what Binta wanted.
We come back from commercial with Courtney trying to snatch the phone back and record her video and Binta hilariously says “We’re not playing that game” and retains custody of the phone. This is proper strategy: Get the calm person’s footage in and then let the freakout person do the infinite takes they need. We replay Courtney’s recap of the challenge and the thrusting of the phone and Courtney tells Binta “I can’t work with you, dude!” Yeah, it’s allllll Binta, Courtney.
Binta manages to work past Courtney’s whine-bitching and do her own clip, finding a good light and working the camera to show her angles. She says your most important resources are your body and your mind. Rita and DJ Khaled respect her efforts.
OK, back to Binta and Courtney. Courtney wants Binta to be in the shot for hers. Binta reasonably points out that she is being helpful by being in Courtney’s video and Courtney won’t do the same for her and that is fucked up.
Courtney is not hearing that. Binta interviews that something is wrong with Courtney. She says Courtney was freaking out about everything instead of focusing on the product.
Finally, we’re shooting Courtney’s Binta holds the camera, because of course she does. Courtney delivers an Underpants After School Special message: “Beauty isn’t defined by [she gestures to Binta] the color of your skin [Courtney turns around] or the scars on your back. It’s defined by being beautiful in what you already have and loving each other and your soul.” What?
And can we talk about how fucked up it is that Courtney gestured to Binta for “the color of your skin”? Like I would get it if she gestured to both of them or to nobody, but the way she did it really suggested that white is default, but hey, don’t feel bad about it if you’re black. Major props to Binta for smiling through that even though she was essentially being used as a prop for Courtney’s message.
DJ Khaled, however, likes Courtney’s confidence and says we need more messages like that right now. Well, sort of. I guess they were assuming that Binta was an active participant instead of a hostage to getting the project done. I have to admit it: I am disappointed in Rita Ora and DJ Khaled for being buffaloed like this. It didn’t come off as sincere or authentic to me at all. But then I am crabby and Courtney was getting on my nerves.
India and Ghia and Marissa get shorter cuts. They did fine.
Coryanne invites boys to be in her video. She interviews that New York is intimidating, and in L.A. all you need to be is cute to get invited to fun things. But in New York you have to talk to people and make a good impression. Wow. Coryanne and I both live in L.A., but in entirely different dimensions. Coryanne says she misses her life in L.A. a lot. The one where she only has to be cute. Yikes. Let’s hope someone explains to Coryanne that cute has an expiration date, but not today. Coryanne’s final video is weird. She shows the dude that she has a small butt and small boobs, and then cuddles up to him and asks if he still thinks she’s sexy.
Everyone who is anywhere near the making of this video is now depressed. Rita Ora doesn’t like the idea that certain body types are inherently sexy or unsexy. Rita says that every body is beautiful and DJ Khaled says “Major Key.”
And then we all take a little time to weep softly to ourselves.
Tatianna says she’s about bossing up and owning it and glowing from the inside out. Tash interviews that Snapchat is a social media outlet that she’s still trying to grasp. In Tash’s video, she says “It’s not about what you see. It’s about what’s underneath.” But for the “what’s underneath” part, she whips open her robe to show her underwear. You guys, I have never been so deeply concerned about the souls of a crop of Top Model contestants. DJ Khaled has concerns about Tash’s confidence. He says you can’t act like a superstar, you have to be a superstar.
See? It makes sense now.
Kyle does her story in two takes, walking down the street and saying that you never know when you’re going to have to disrobe.
Krislian was distracted from all her critiques and says she needs a bunch of takes. Her take is still pretty sexy. On the other hand, Krislian says that “wear lingerie but don’t be sexy” is not an easy note to take, which is tough to argue with.
Back at base! Rita says the challenge winner will be in a Tezenis runway show in Italy. Courtney wins it! Courtney yells “Shut the fuck up!” and then apologizes for cussing. DJ Khaled says he looked at nothing but her message. DJ Khaled says he almost shed a tear at her video. My drop in respect for him is nothing compared to the hilarious trio of faces that Binta, Coryanne, and Marissa are making right now.
Binta is so righteously pissed. She correctly says that Courtney won in part because Binta was there adding her skin tone to that video. Binta interview cries that she feels like Courtney’s message was not genuine based on what went on behind the scenes. I believe that Binta has assessed the situation with close to 100% accuracy.
In the ModelBus, there is talk of an ice cream party from someone I can’t see. I want to know who this diabolical saboteur is. But we may never know, because Binta breaks into the brief celebration and says she wants to put everyone on pause for a minute.
OK, see this is Binta’s problem. She’s very much in the right here, but flipping out on Courtney in front of everyone in creation is not the best way to pursue the matter. And yet.
Binta says that Courtney is one of those people that tries to look like a “good-ass person” to everyone on the outside, when actually Courtney is fake as fuck. The other models wish themselves to Caribbean islands and distant planets to no avail.
Binta says that Courtney won because of Binta’s help and it is fucking ON in the next photo shoot and Binta promises to kill Courtney on the shoot. Courtney says jealousy is a horrible emotion. She is good at neither self-examination nor at de-escalating conflict. Binta yells that she was being a good team player for Courtney and didn’t get the same support. Courtney retorts that she stood in for 14 of Binta’s videos. Hey! Story editors! I want supporting evidence!
Cody interviews that she saw Courtney was a little evil from the first day.
Back in the Model Bus, Courtney yells that both she and Binta were aggressive. Which is more of a constant than a truth, like gravity. Courtney says they couldn’t get along and agree and Binta overshouts that she’s lying. Courtney talks directly to Binta via the camera in an interview, saying that coming at her in front of everyone on the bus was not OK. And that right there sums up the difficulty of both Binta and Courtney: They often have reasonable core points (Major keys!) but insist on expressing them in the most abrasive way possible. They keep making me think about how llamas get into it by escalating straight to spitting.
Back on the bus, Courtney says there is a way to come after people and that was not it. “Binta yells “My ass! You didn’t deserve it!” Binta says that she, Binta was being a team player and Courtney wasn’t being a team player. Courtney starts to argue over her again and Binta stands up and claps at Courtney and calls her a stupid-ass bitch.
Casting this show must have felt like assembling a time bomb. The other models have retreated deep within and are quietly petting bunnies inside their souls.
Back in the Model House, Binta is still bugging out about how annoying Courtney was during the challenge. Tash interviews that it’s a relief that someone sees how cray Courtney is.
Courtney explains that it all started “very stressful.” She says that she and Binta won’t agree on how it went, and then rolls into a sub-apology of “If I snapped at you and hurt your feelings, I am sorry.” Which is of course a refusal to admit that Courtney behaved other than beautifully except in Binta’s version of reality, which Courtney does not accept. It also completely misses Binta’s point that she was used as a voiceless prop in Courtney’s li’l video about equality.
Binta interviews that Courtney’s apology was insincere, and that if she’d really been sorry, she could have come to Binta and said something immediately.
And now it is Cody’s turn to talk about karma coming back around. Courtney walks into the room as she’s saying it and asks everyone to please just stop. Tash says Courtney knows how she’ll look on TV, so good luck with that. Courtney, putting on the face of The Most Put-Upon Logical Girl in the World says she can’t wait til they get eliminated because that is going to be a huge karma thing.
There is a lot of threatening people with karma in this house.
Paige primly interviews that some people are focused on fighting and it would be better to be focusing on the competition while you’re here, because if you make one mistake, you could be going home. Were we not just talking about how sometimes you can have an excellent notion but deliver it in such a way that no one can hear you?
Courtney and Tash continue to snipe about who started what and who is involved in which while Courtney packs to switch rooms. Courtney, wearing what looks like a boxer’s hoodie, interviews that when she wins they’ll all feel bad and wish they had been nicer to her.
Even if we accept the premise that Courtney will win, I can virtually guarantee that that will not be how it works.
OH, MY GOD. Courtney was not wearing a boxer’s hoodie! She was wearing a panda pajama onesie! (Fine, a panda kigurumi for you purists.)
Courtney was conducting an entire fight about being mature while wearing baggy panda pajamas. Finally, some true reassurance that the universe is a beautiful place and everything works for the good. This is quietly one of the greatest things that has ever happened on the show. I hope it has filled you with as much joy and light as it has me.
Morning in the Model House! We see Courtney start down the stairs and then Marissa react as she hears Courtney fall down the steps like a sack of oranges. The other models call out to see who it is and if everyone is OK. Paige cradles Courtney as she says she hit her head and her back and her arm. Paige calls out for help. Giah obligingly comes down as Marissa makes a more leisurely investigation. Courtney shakily says her arm hurts so bad, don’t even touch it, as Giah tries to check to see if her back is OK. Paige runs to get ice packs.
Giah, whose patience is wearing a bit around the edges, interviews that Courtney is a bit of a baby because Giah has fallen down those stairs twice already and she hasn’t cried and nobody helped her and she didn’t break her arm. It’s official: I love Giah. Wait a minute. What the fuck is up with those stairs? Can we not put some grip strips on them or something?
Paige returns with ice packs. Courtney says it sucks if her arm is broken, because then she is out of the competition. Giah interviews that Courtney wants attention from everybody and anybody, and it’s not OK. Tash re-states her twin theses that Courtney likes to play the frail victim and – say it with me – karma is a bitch.
Kyle tries to put some sort of bandage on Courtney’s arm as Courtney goes full Nancy Kerrigan. It is magnificent. Kyle deadpans “Too tight?”
Courtney says that the bandage is pressing on the bone and it really hurts. Several angels of mercy hovering nearby roll their eyes and fly off.
Time to meet Drew! He’s here with Paper’s editorial director Mickey Boardman, aka Mr. Mickey.
Mr. Mickey is here to invite the models aspirant to the Paper Sexy Issue VIP party tonight. (What do we count as a sexy issue? Exhibitionism? Dramatic brooding? Being creeped out by sock monkeys? Please say it’s being creeped out by sock monkeys.)
Tonight, the models will be the photographers so they can show their world to their followers. The models will each choose three photos to show the story of their night. Because what you really want at your party is a bunch of assholes who are too busy taking solo selfies to actually interact with anyone. That definitely creates an enjoyable vibe. I can’t even begin to count the ways I hate this challenge. Just hire a real goddamned photographer and put the models in sinking kayaks with Fabergé eggs on their heads and make some fashion magic.
Oh, SHIT, there are 12 cocktail dresses here and 12 models, so grab one and make it work. Everybody lunges for a dress. Cody says Courtney took her dress and Courtney says you can’t call dresses. Cody interviews that Courtney snatched it and may have even scratched Cody’s arm. Courtney interviews that this is a competition and she does not give a single rodent butt if Cody wants that dress. Courtney is kind of right here, but I don’t think she’s going to be accepted into international diplomat training any time soon.
Tatiana reminds us that the shoot today is the models being the photographers of the magazine party. Smart publicity move, Paper.
RitAlert! Tonight the focus is on curating your photographs beautifully. An expert on just such a thing is coming! The models freak because it’s Jasmine Sanders, also known as Golden Barbie.
The models could not be more thrilled. You know what? If you need to go outside and just lie down on the cool bare earth for a while, that’s fine.
Krislian has been following Golden Barbie for a while, she says. Krislian loves Golden Barbie and considers her to be an inspiring role model. Yeah, go on back outside, I’ll wait.
Golden Barbie says to find good lighting, show off your surroundings, and get into your comments and talk to people, but don’t engage with bad commenters. What Paige learned was to make sure your lighting is killer.
India is excited for the party, but her dress is too tiny to zip up. She tries to get Krislian to switch because she has a big, loose purple dress. Kris is nervous because India’s is too revealing. She doesn’t want to risk it.
On the other end of the spectrum, Courtney can’t fill out the dress she yoinked. Tash is delighted. Did you think we were done invoking karma? We were not. Courtney asks a harried hair and makeup guy if one of them could pin it. Wait, did no one tell India? Could they not switch? What the hey?
At the party, Kyle looks so bored walking in. Boo, dress. This is where they did the cover dinner when Rita Ora did her first Paper cover, says Drew. Special! He reminds the ladies that they’ll be looking at their pictures tomorrow, so have fun, but not too much.
Paige says her story concept is a misfit at the Paper party and then she finds the perfect crew and fits in. You cannot fault Paige for thoroughness. Tash says her story is “On the Prowl.” It’s about a girl who meets a pair of twins at a party and takes them both home with her. That is a surprisingly bold storyline there, Tash. Also is it a little weird that she’s eroticizing twins? I’m going to let that go. Tash says she was “one take Jake” and got her photos done really quickly so she could enjoy the party. Oh, Tash.
Courtney snots that Tash is trying to join the party instead of really trying. She posits that if one is not taking the competition seriously at this point, one is not in it for the right reasons. OK, Courtney, but is one taking the competition seriously if one is monitoring everyone else’s behavior? Just clarifying.
Courtney has someone take a shot of her on the floor and then yells “Boom!” and shouts about about how she looks like a magazine spread.
Speaking of taking the competition seriously, Binta is practically snorting fire as she takes her shots. Krislian is in the big purple dress. She says she deliberately grabbed the frumpiest dress and tried to be editorial.
Drew sends them home to choose three photos. Of being the irritating narcissistic selfie people at the party. Yay, personal brands!
Coryanne says she needs to exude confidence but not cockiness at panel and she’ll be OK. Krislian frets in the confessional with pre-panel nerves. India says it’s sort of nuts that someone is getting sent home from a cell phone challenge. YES, IT IS.
Time for panel! Same judges! Same prizes! ASHLEY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR EYELIDS?
I’m going to assume that she’s somehow goofing on the panda thing.
Let’s look at some cell phone pics!
Law says Tatiana gets it and always looks phenomenal. He says she’s a star and he’s in love with her. Law isn’t wrong. I wish Tatiana got more screen time. She and Giah and Kyle get shoved out by everyone else being high-strung.
Giah looks fun, says Drew. Paige gets a big WOW from Ashley. She says it’s moody, cool, and edgy. Law says it looks editorial and Paige won him over.
Cody says her story is about how not everyone can be the life of the party at the same time. Drew says Cody is too much a twin and she needs to step out and be the solo life of the party and that’s what this challenge is all about. Rita says Binta looks like she’s not human.
She means this as a compliment. Law calls her posh.
Drew says it’s hard to critique Courtney because she always delivers exactly what he wants. Courtney says even with her arm hurting and her leg hurting, she did well. (When did her leg come into play??) And Courtney has finally gone one step too far. Drew says she’s a complainer and in ailment mode 100% of the time. Law agrees. The other models are smiling so big that their shining teeth are interfering with satellite transmissions.
Rita is not impressed. Ashley like one of the photos, but not all of them.
Tash’s photos do not look good. Ashely calls them “basic,” with too many elements. Law hates the story and how everything looks cheap.
Marissa’s looks like a model’s story, but she could have elevated it. Rita doesn’t see up for everything in Marissa’s photos.
Rita says India’s story will make girls want to be friends with her, and that’s the idea. Ashley hates too many group shots – she says sell yourself., so add one that’s just you. I like how Ashley gives practical, usable notes.
Rita likes how proud and in charge Kyle is, but Drew says Kyle has the strongest brand, but isn’t showing it. Rita doesn’t like it that Coryanne gives other women so much attention in her shots. It’s like this week was a secret tutorial on being a terrible person. Law tells Coryanne to stop hiding.
When Krislian comes up, the judges all leap in and try to punch each other in the throat so they can talk first. Rita is eventually forced to assert her position as host and strangle Law.
Rita says she would buy everything in this photo spread. So would Ashley. Law says he’s been giving Krislian tough love because she’s always been the same, but today she shut him up. She did a phenomenal job and she sold it and brought the brand.
Aw, Paige seems genuinely happy for her. You are awarded many points back, Paige.
Time to deliberate! They loved Paige, who fit into her problematic haircut, and Kris, who showed them all what she can do. Not good were Tash, who made the swanky party look like someone’s basement, and Coryanne, who doesn’t have what it takes to win this thing, and – have some cold water ready to throw on your face – may not even want to be a model.
Best Photo: Krislian! Good job!
Runner up: Binta! She made good on that promise right quick! And then we have:
Paige
Tatiana
Giah
India
Courtney
Marissa
Kyle
Cody
Will it be Tash or Coryanne? Coryanne or Tash?!
Rita says Tash’s story looks like she’s coasting even as she has an amazing new look. Coryanne is back in the bottom two again. Can she be consistent? Is her head in the game?
Coryanne is in! Oh, man, Tash is out. They gave her a haircut she loathes and blammo! Out she goes! Tash says she hopes Cody wins, because she’s a freaking superstar.
Next week: Kyle is done with whiners and pity parties! They have an avant garde fahshion shoot in a supermarket! There are terrible giant shoes! Another injury! And HOLY SHIT, RITA STOPS THE PHOTO CALL BECAUSE SHE THINKS THEY’RE MAKING A MISTAKE.
My personal brand will be meeting you back here with bells on. See you then.