I haven’t completed a REM cycle in at least three days. The normalcy of that statement almost concerns me. Despite the lack of sleep, I have no academic work done. Nothing to show for my sleepless and even-more-exhausted-than-usual existence. Except what feels to be the beginning of a nasty cold and the always alluring sickly look. The hooded eyes, pale skin but bright lips, and that “I can’t quite put my finger on how but I can tell you haven’t showered” glow. In a nutshell, I look good.
The perpetual anxiety of my first year was replaced at the beginning of my second with rampant apathy. The number of things I simply do not care about would be concerning if my indifference wasn’t overwhelming. Each night I have the best of intentions to complete all of my homework for the next two days, and then somehow it’s 11 p.m. and I have nothing to show for the evening. I convince myself I deserve an early night because I’m “so tired” and I’ll “be able to do work so much better when I’m well rested.” Then it’s 2 a.m. and I am tangled in my sheets, still conscious, restless, with a lengthy, undone, to-do list.
Being called on in class has become a game of charades where we impersonate people who have actually read the material, while we scramble to connect to the VPN and shaky school internet to pull up a case brief, regurgitated in our best attempt at our own words.
When it comes to school, my only feelings other than apathy are misery and anxiety. Misery is Apathy’s devoted side kick, taking over when Apathy has a date with Motivation and is gone for the evening. Anxiety knows better than to go head-to-head against Apathy, so it waits until Misery is in charge. Then it sneaks in, lurking around my thought periphery, and simmers under the surface until I cave to it in some academic capacity.
With finals arriving in less than a month, I may have to throw out a welcome mat for Anxiety. It’s about the only thing that lets me get anything done anymore.
Bitter Lawyer is collecting short posts from law students who are in the midst of school. Got an opinion, rant, or post about slogging through school or living life as a law student? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org