Around the World, in Strange News

An Italian couple is about to become two of the world’s oldest divorcees, after 77 years of marriage. The husband demanded the divorce after finding out the 96-year-old wife had an affair in the 1940s. Almost eight decades down the drain. EIGHT! Most people don’t even live that long and here Antonio finds out Rosa has a sidepiece during Dubya Dubya 2 and is like “fuck this I’m out.” Isn’t there some form of statute of limitations on being held culpable for cheating? Serious, it’s not cheating if it happened 70 fucking years ago. Antonio is about to make a profile: “99-year old divorcee looking to find love like its FDR’s 3rd term. Must like soft foods and playing shuffleboard.”

A Swiss woman had died after giving up food and water and attempting to exist on nothing but sunlight. The woman watched a documentary, which featured an Indian guru who claims to not have eaten anything in 70 years. Followers of the cult Breatharianism believe that the energy they save on digesting food and drink can be transformed into physical, emotional, and spiritual energy.

Serious question: Is this the dumbest person in the history of existence? Eating sunlight platters with a side of wind every day. Not to mention dinner has to be early; no such thing as a late night snack when all you eat is sunlight. Moonlight, I hear, is no good. Here is the real question: on day, say 15, of this diet, and shit is obviously not working, don’t you just say fuck it and grab a cheeseburger? Or what happens if you have a week of storms? Lady is on her deathbed and goes outside to snack on some rays only for it to be overcast. No soup for you! At least you would be skinny and have an awesome tan. Open casket all day every day.

The Colonel is a little lighter in the pockets after KFC was ordered to pay $8 million in damages stemming from an Australian court. The family of Monika Samaan claimed the then seven-year-old suffered salmonella poisoning from a Twister chicken wrap from the fast food joint. Samaan was left severely brain damaged and is now a quadriplegic from the bad chicken.

I don’t want to say brain damage and quadriplegia doesn’t suck, but give me a break. $8 million? I’m temporarily disabled after eating KFC all the time. Spend a couple hours nervously wondering if I’m about to shart myself. A chalupa from Taco Bell should come with an AIDS test. Big Mac? Side of a TB shot. There is no greater assumption of risk than walking into a place where food comes in a bucket. It’s just a hazard that comes with the territory.

A Chinese fashion firm, Xiamen Jenzhi, has a slightly controversial new name for their sunglass line: the Helen Keller. This isn’t even an awkward English-to-Chinese translation. They are claiming merchandising value in Keller’s “philanthropist spirit.” Their ads claim, when you put on the glasses, “You see the world, the world sees you.” Carol Augusto, president of the American Foundation for the Blind, admitted Keller had quite a sense of humor and probably would have “laughed hysterically” when she heard about the product.

In my practice I do a fair amount of assistance with businesses regarding their business plans but this just goes to show China is playing chess while the rest of us are playing checkers. How has this never been thought of before? You want sunglasses that block the sun, use a person who has never seen the sun as your spokesperson. It’s like a Muhammad Ali line of snow globes. You know those are going to be the best snow globes on the market. Next question: When does Beats by Dre come out with a Helen Keller line of headphones? Give them the slogan: You’ve Never Heard Anything (Like It) In Your Life. Boom. Done and Done.

Post image from

  • Anne Roberts

    This blog crack me up, as always. Wow, 77 years of marriage gone the drain. Maybe the old guy’s ego can’t take the fact that why he tried all he can to resist all temptations, his wife (or soon to be ex-wife) wasn’t able to do so. He must have thought about all those chances that he missed ages ago. Get over it, grandpa, and enjoy the last remaining years of your life together.

  • Ella

    Are you really making light of the KFC story by claiming YOU are disabled? Too far. Yes 8 mil is reasonable and hopefully will cover the massive medical bills that poor child will rack up over the rest of her life. Some a*hole at this restaurant stole this kid’s life from her. Have a little respect.

    Also, you can’t assume the risk of being poisoned, especially not by going to a restaurant that’s been inspected and not shut down.