Bitter Empire

  • Critic
  • Lawyer
  • SciTech
  • Endings
  • 
  • 
  • 
endings

Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. May 13 – 19, 2016

May 13, 2016 by Bitter Astrologer Leave a Comment

Call your mom today and explain that mercury was poorly aspected for the last week, which is why you couldn’t call her on Mother’s Day. Then explain that saturn is now transiting  your second house, which is why you need to move back in and borrow 500 hundred bucks. With planetary justifications like that, she’ll…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: astrology

Share this post

tell a friend

Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. May 6-12

May 6, 2016 by Bitter Astrologer Leave a Comment

Paleo diets are for freaks who don’t like sugar. So you’ve been steak- NO POTATO- for a week; burning cauliflower crusts and choking down butter infused coffee. Relax! Enjoy that wonder bread and butter brickle ice cream…. And blame your bitter astrologer for your fat ass. INYF, Aries. This weekend, I want you to visit…

Filed Under: Endings Tagged With: astrologer

Share this post

tell a friend

Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. April 22-28, 2016

April 22, 2016 by Bitter Astrologer Leave a Comment

Best intentions make the best excuses. You wanted to grow a garden this year, so the fact that you killed all your plants because you forgot they need water doesn’t matter. You were trying to be a good person! Forget the messy part, you meant well. INYF, Aries. I know you see yourself as a…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: astrology

Share this post

tell a friend

Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. April 15 – 21, 2016

April 15, 2016 by Bitter Astrologer Leave a Comment

Relax, deadlines pass! So you were snorting coke off of an escort’s armpits, no worries! Your excuse is provided by your own bitter astrologer: Dear Billy: Please excuse screw up from his duties, he’s a victim of his birth chart! INYF, Aries. Models trying to be musicians (ever hear Milla Jovovich’s bongo album?), musicians trying…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: astrology, taxes

Share this post

tell a friend

Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. April 8 – 14, 2016

April 8, 2016 by Bitter Astrologer Leave a Comment

Feeling regret for never having made it to France? For not bungee jumping off that cliff? For not just grabbing him/her/them and kissing ‘em already? Just sit back and relax, you have nothing to feel bad for, it’s all Mercury’s doing. INYF, Aries. Ahhh, Aries in love. More correctly, Aries being a spoiled demanding princess who found…

Filed Under: Endings Tagged With: astrologer

Share this post

tell a friend

Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. April 1-April 7, 2016

April 1, 2016 by Bitter Astrologer Leave a Comment

The collection calls will keep coming, not because you haven’t been paying your bills. The universe is calling in debts and making them all your problem. INYF, Aries. I’m going to say something here, I want you to read it, then hand it to someone else and have them read it. “People crowd around you…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: astrologer

Share this post

tell a friend

Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 25-April 1, 2016

March 25, 2016 by Bitter Astrologer 1 Comment

That cavity is totally not your fault. It has nothing to do with the fact that you brush your teeth once a week and haven’t seen a dentist in 5 years. Just ignore it, when Venus moves out of Pisces everything will be okay. INYF, Aries. You aren’t just any ram, you know? You’re the…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: astrology

Share this post

tell a friend

Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 18-24, 2016

March 18, 2016 by Bitter Astrologer 1 Comment

So you wasted your week watching all 8 seasons of Psych on Netflix. Yardwork, laundry, homework, family dinners: your neighbors, family and teachers all understand how hard your life is. Just tell them that Saturn made you lazy this week; they’ll forgive you. INYF, Aries. This weekend is yours to screw up, horn-face. There’s going…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: bitter astrologer

Share this post

tell a friend

Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 11-17, 2016

March 11, 2016 by Bitter Astrologer 1 Comment

That pounding headache and nausea you feel have nothing to do with the rum last night. INYF you’re so hungover all you can do is watch crappy youtube videos at work. It’s all in the stars. Tell your boss the stars made you do it when you get called into her office. She’ll totally understand.…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: astrology

Share this post

tell a friend

Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 4-10, 2016

March 4, 2016 by Bitter Astrologer 1 Comment

So you haven’t been to work all week: you’re “sick”. (Sick from dirty pajamas, eating mallomars, and watching ‘Moonlighting’ every single day.) Or you have been going into work all week: in the same outfit, no shower, and lunching exclusively on mallomars. INYF you’ve dissolved into the despair of winter, because comets! INYF, Aries. Aries have…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: astrologer

Share this post

tell a friend
  • 1
  • 2
  • Next Page »

Editor’s Choice

  • Driving Miss Mary Jane: Stoners No More Dangerous Than DrunksDriving Miss Mary Jane: Stoners No More Dangerous Than Drunks
  • Record Of The Week: Waxahatchee – ‘Ivy Tripp’Record Of The Week: Waxahatchee – ‘Ivy Tripp’
  • On True Detective Season Two’s Rudderless BeginningOn True Detective Season Two’s Rudderless Beginning
  • The Best David Bowie Items On EtsyThe Best David Bowie Items On Etsy
  • A Heartbreaking Apocalypse: ‘The Girl With All The Gifts’A Heartbreaking Apocalypse: ‘The Girl With All The Gifts’

I’m A Bitter

  • Critic
  • Lawyer
  • SciTech
  • Endings

More From Bitter Empire

  • 4 Simple Ways to Find Employment4 Simple Ways to Find Employment
  • The Most Baffling Video Game Marketing Decisions of 2016The Most Baffling Video Game Marketing Decisions of 2016
  • Want To Win? Then Don’t Moderate The Protest MovementWant To Win? Then Don’t Moderate The Protest Movement
  • 4 CERN Songs You Should Listen To4 CERN Songs You Should Listen To
  • Texas Law Hawk Re-extends His Talons Of JusticeTexas Law Hawk Re-extends His Talons Of Justice
  • About Us
  • 
  • 
  • 