Call your mom today and explain that mercury was poorly aspected for the last week, which is why you couldn’t call her on Mother’s Day. Then explain that saturn is now transiting your second house, which is why you need to move back in and borrow 500 hundred bucks. With planetary justifications like that, she’ll…
Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. May 6-12
Paleo diets are for freaks who don’t like sugar. So you’ve been steak- NO POTATO- for a week; burning cauliflower crusts and choking down butter infused coffee. Relax! Enjoy that wonder bread and butter brickle ice cream…. And blame your bitter astrologer for your fat ass. INYF, Aries. This weekend, I want you to visit…
Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. April 22-28, 2016
Best intentions make the best excuses. You wanted to grow a garden this year, so the fact that you killed all your plants because you forgot they need water doesn’t matter. You were trying to be a good person! Forget the messy part, you meant well. INYF, Aries. I know you see yourself as a…
Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. April 15 – 21, 2016
Relax, deadlines pass! So you were snorting coke off of an escort’s armpits, no worries! Your excuse is provided by your own bitter astrologer: Dear Billy: Please excuse screw up from his duties, he’s a victim of his birth chart! INYF, Aries. Models trying to be musicians (ever hear Milla Jovovich’s bongo album?), musicians trying…
Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. April 8 – 14, 2016
Feeling regret for never having made it to France? For not bungee jumping off that cliff? For not just grabbing him/her/them and kissing ‘em already? Just sit back and relax, you have nothing to feel bad for, it’s all Mercury’s doing. INYF, Aries. Ahhh, Aries in love. More correctly, Aries being a spoiled demanding princess who found…
Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. April 1-April 7, 2016
The collection calls will keep coming, not because you haven’t been paying your bills. The universe is calling in debts and making them all your problem. INYF, Aries. I’m going to say something here, I want you to read it, then hand it to someone else and have them read it. “People crowd around you…
Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 25-April 1, 2016
That cavity is totally not your fault. It has nothing to do with the fact that you brush your teeth once a week and haven’t seen a dentist in 5 years. Just ignore it, when Venus moves out of Pisces everything will be okay. INYF, Aries. You aren’t just any ram, you know? You’re the…
Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 18-24, 2016
So you wasted your week watching all 8 seasons of Psych on Netflix. Yardwork, laundry, homework, family dinners: your neighbors, family and teachers all understand how hard your life is. Just tell them that Saturn made you lazy this week; they’ll forgive you. INYF, Aries. This weekend is yours to screw up, horn-face. There’s going…
Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 11-17, 2016
That pounding headache and nausea you feel have nothing to do with the rum last night. INYF you’re so hungover all you can do is watch crappy youtube videos at work. It’s all in the stars. Tell your boss the stars made you do it when you get called into her office. She’ll totally understand.…
Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 4-10, 2016
So you haven’t been to work all week: you’re “sick”. (Sick from dirty pajamas, eating mallomars, and watching ‘Moonlighting’ every single day.) Or you have been going into work all week: in the same outfit, no shower, and lunching exclusively on mallomars. INYF you’ve dissolved into the despair of winter, because comets! INYF, Aries. Aries have…