Maize is a game about sentient corn, sort of. For a long time, I had this vague memory of watching a weird animated Christmas special that featured strange characters I hadn’t seen anywhere else. I remembered a stogie-chomping pink thing that I think was the villain and various bent-nosed forest creatures of indeterminate species. It…
I Played The John Cena Dating Sim So You Don’t Have To
I don’t have a long or extensive history with dating sims, so I was surprised to find myself being murdered by the school bully in one I played recently. But maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised: the game is called John Cena’s Sexy High School Adventure, after all. Yes, that is a thing that exists: John Cena’s…
The Most Baffling Video Game Marketing Decisions of 2016
Two-thousand and sixteen is going down as a real lousy year for most people, especially anyone who enjoys great music, charming famous people, or the binding fabric of society. In the midst of all the loss, however, it’s been a pretty fantastic year for video games. We’ve seen the release of some of the best…
Your Bitter Empire E3 Predictions
The first Electronic Entertainment Expo – or E3, as the kids say nowadays – was held twenty years ago and this year’s event will officially kick off Tuesday. E3 has traditionally been the venue for massive video game-related announcements, and so, clasping my talisman of Gamez Jurnalizm close against my breast, I will now predict…
The Witcher 3 Is Totally White
One of the most interesting things – out of a wide field – that The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt has done is reignite the ongoing discussion about race in video games. While CD Projekt’s latest outing does many things so right, race is something it gets quite wrong: the cast of The Witcher 3, it cannot…
Grand Theft Auto V’s Identity Crisis
Note: This post about the plot and characters of Grand Theft Auto V contains minor spoilers about the plot and characters of Grand Theft Auto V. Playing as the Grand Theft Auto V character Michael De Santa, there are points where you’ll be walking around your McMansion and overhear your 20-something layabout son Jimmy playing…
Dark Souls Diary: Day 2
The enormous Asylum Demon blocking my path isn’t actually a terribly difficult boss – I just can’t fight him yet. The only weapon Dark Souls has felt like outfitting me with is a broken sword hilt. The best way through this fight is to run, and run I do – right into a little hallway off to…
A Beginner’s Guide To Good Video Game Sex
When it comes to portrayals of sex – and I mean the act itself rather than the physiology – video games have historically ranged from “embarrassing” to “incredibly embarrassing.” It’s a stereotype that has not been unearned. But there have been a few games in recent years that have refreshingly bucked the trend, with depictions of…
Dark Souls Diary: Day 1
A little while ago I mentioned From Software’s Bloodborne as a game I was excited about in 2015. Well, it’s out now, and the reviews are pretty damn good. The trouble is, I don’t own a PlayStation 4, and the likelihood of Sony sharing rights to this property with anything that has ever even been…
Learning To Love The Grind With Monster Hunter
As regular readers may have sussed out by now, I’m almost exclusively a PC game-player. But for the past weeks, I’ve been glued to the relatively tiny screens on my Nintendo 3DS. I’ve had one for more than a year now (during which time I learned that Pokémon is really not my thing), but it’s…
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