Bitter Empire

  • Critic
  • Lawyer
  • SciTech
  • Endings
  • 
  • 
  • 
endings

I Got Here Too Late: A Photo Essay

July 25, 2019 by Kaleb Horton 2 Comments

I’ve been taking pictures for considerably longer than I can remember. My grandma swears up and down that when I was 6 years old, I’d make her drive me to the Amtrak station so I could take pictures of trains departing. She said I’d steal my dad’s Polaroid and ask to take pictures every time…

Filed Under: Endings Tagged With: bakersfield, photo essay, trains

Share this post

tell a friend

A New Proclamation Concerning My Herculean Big Bang Theory Spec Script

September 1, 2017 by Kaleb Horton 1 Comment

It was finished. Weeks went by. Then I was having a conversation with a woman in a parking lot. The sun wasn’t quite down yet, and we were both tired. I don’t remember what prompted my question, but I asked her why we were surrounded by dishonest people. She paused for a second, not so…

Filed Under: Critic Tagged With: big bang

Share this post

tell a friend

A Selection of Tweets From Donald Trump’s First Term As President

June 7, 2016 by Kaleb Horton 4 Comments

Editor’s note, 12/8/16: When Mr. Horton wrote this in April we laughed. We’re re-posting this now, because satire has become reality. On Saturday night, somewhere in South Carolina, Donald J. Trump became the 45th President of the United States. And he did it with all the triumphalism, arrogance and crotch-thrusting vulgarity of a Van Halen…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: Donald Trump, Twitter

Share this post

tell a friend

Conspiracy Theories Make The Void Look Smaller

February 18, 2016 by Kaleb Horton 1 Comment

Every old car has its rattles, but this one was different. It sounded like it was coming from inside the engine. My gauges were all fine, it wasn’t running hot, but it was like when you cough and suddenly realize you have the flu. Malaise. I pulled over at a vacant lot that used to…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: conspiracy theories, scalia

Share this post

tell a friend

Bernie Sanders And All Those Damn Millennials

February 12, 2016 by Kaleb Horton 27 Comments

It’s only February and already I have an election year mind. What was once a well-sorted filing cabinet is now a desk piled high with newspaper clippings, half-remembered scandals, embarrassing photographs, and spurious rumors from a thousand different strangers. Every day I confront this desk in terror, looking for the magic key that makes the…

Filed Under: Endings Tagged With: bernie sanders

Share this post

tell a friend

Alright, So Who The Hell Is Ted Cruz?

February 3, 2016 by Kaleb Horton 2 Comments

The chaos has subsided and the news vans have driven away, so it’s time to sit down and ask the important questions about Iowa. For example, where is that? Do I even know anyone from there? Have I ever thought about that state before in my entire life? What does narrative mean and why do…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: iowa, ted cruz

Share this post

tell a friend

Things We Never Find: Photos From 2015

January 30, 2016 by Kaleb Horton 2 Comments

I’ve been taking pictures for about 20 years, but I never took a class in photography. I lie when people ask me what shutter speed I’m using. I only pretend to know what an F-stop is. And I never learned what a darkroom is or what all those chemicals do. In my imagination, darkrooms are…

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: photos

Share this post

tell a friend

Damn It, Ben Carson Needs To Just Get It Over With And Host A Late-Night Radio Show

January 20, 2016 by Kaleb Horton 1 Comment

As I predicted elsewhere, the Boomer Die-Off is in full swing, and earlier this year it claimed Glenn Frey. I readily admit to knowing nothing about the man except his eyebrows. You wouldn’t think this has any political ramifications whatsoever, but it does. Here’s how presidential candidate Ben Carson eulogized him: Now, here’s the thing.…

Filed Under: Critic, Featured Tagged With: am radio, art bell, ben carson, glenn frey

Share this post

tell a friend

Places and Faces and Names and the Death of Red Simpson

January 16, 2016 by Kaleb Horton Leave a Comment

Bad news, class of 2016. Beloved famous people are starting to die. I mean, sure, they always die. Lots of great famous people are already dead. But what’s starting to happen is that the ones we didn’t render up to antiquity are dying too. This isn’t Jimmy Stewart in 1997. This is the beginning of…

Filed Under: Critic Tagged With: red simpson

Share this post

tell a friend

Bowie’s Perfectly Managed Exit

January 12, 2016 by Kaleb Horton Leave a Comment

I was crossing a pitch black street and talking on the phone. Totally quiet, totally dark. Whatever I heard on the phone had one hundred percent of my attention. It was a little after midnight. “Wow.” My friend said this with zero emotion. If I know one thing, it’s that when someone says “wow” with…

Filed Under: Critic, Featured Tagged With: david bowie

Share this post

tell a friend
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • …
  • 8
  • Next Page »

Editor’s Choice

  • Ninety-Nine And Fourty-Four One Hundredths Percent Pure Human GenomeNinety-Nine And Fourty-Four One Hundredths Percent Pure Human Genome
  • Off the Menu: More Of The Most Insane Fast Food Stories EverOff the Menu: More Of The Most Insane Fast Food Stories Ever
  • 4 CERN Songs You Should Listen To4 CERN Songs You Should Listen To
  • Below Deck Season 3, Episode 11: Fireworks, Flowers, and Forgotten GuestsBelow Deck Season 3, Episode 11: Fireworks, Flowers, and Forgotten Guests
  • DARPA Robotics Challenge: NASA’s RoboSimianDARPA Robotics Challenge: NASA’s RoboSimian

I’m A Bitter

  • Critic
  • Lawyer
  • SciTech
  • Endings

More From Bitter Empire

  • Dear Bitter Butch: My Fiancé Is Not My Twin SisterDear Bitter Butch: My Fiancé Is Not My Twin Sister
  • Conspiracy Theories Make The Void Look SmallerConspiracy Theories Make The Void Look Smaller
  • Valentine's Day Bitter Vault: Top ♥ PostsValentine's Day Bitter Vault: Top ♥ Posts
  • Bitter Vault: Happy Holidays! I Failed the BarBitter Vault: Happy Holidays! I Failed the Bar
  • January’s Playlist To Make Running Suck Less: Freeze Yer Gizzard Blizzard Edition!January’s Playlist To Make Running Suck Less: Freeze Yer Gizzard Blizzard Edition!
  • About Us
  • 
  • 
  • 