The Baby Shower Prophecies

Law Firm 10 Columns, Law Firm 10, Lawyer 9 Comments

A rather expensive psychic told me in February that I would experience a “great shift in my thinking and perception” in 2011. Turns out she was right. I’ve just had an epiphany that my approach to dating is certain to lead to cataclysmic failure and doom—and now I get why it’s no damn wonder that every single one of my quasi- and pseudo-relationships has crashed and burned.

My (massively flawed) approach to men over the course of the last three years goes something like this: find acceptable man, marry him, and bear his children as soon as humanly possible so I can retire from the practice of law. Which means I’ve been approaching guys as if they were life preservers—as if each one constitutes a flotation device imbued with the unique ability to rescue me from drowning in the misery of my profession.

No wonder I have such a knack for repelling guys. I positively reek of desperation.

In my defense, the desperation isn’t because I’m ugly or have self-esteem or daddy issues. It’s because I’ve given up hope when it comes to finding a fulfilling career. And rather than embrace change, take risks, and make difficult decisions, I’ve decided the only realistic option is to drop my career altogether and board the express train to housewifery and stay-at-home motherhood.

The trouble with this logic (other than the fact that its indirect effect renders me repulsive to most men) is that it’s based on a completely faulty assumption, i.e. that being a stay-at-home mom would be better and more enjoyable than practicing law or switching careers. And I’ve come to realize the falsity of that premise, which, in turn triggered all of the newfound wisdom set forth above.

Sadly, though, I can’t attribute these realizations to anything deep and profound. Instead, I happened upon my current state of enlightenment in an utterly ridiculous way.

On Sunday morning, I attended an insufferably long, alcohol-free baby shower in the suburbs, where I was one of only two childless guests. So for six long, stone-cold sober hours, I was treated to an excruciating sneak peek of a post-career life at home with a baby or two. From what I was able to gather, motherhood has all the same shitty attributes of BigLaw—it’s monotonous, regimented, exhausting, demanding, and thankless—but it’s even worse because it takes place in the suburbs and you literally cannot ever quit.

It’s fair to say that I left the baby shower feeling pretty shattered and deflated. That is, until I realized that I could use this as an opportunity to approach my career and men in an entirely new way. From now on, I’m actually going to date guys because I’m attracted to them and want to have fun with them—not because I want them to walk me down an aisle and impregnate me ASAP. Overall, I need to loosen up, have fun, and enjoy myself right now, because these are the last few years of carefree freedom I have left before my whole life becomes baby food and naps and folding laundry and calling my husband at the office 11 times a day to find out when he’ll be home. Not to mention, it would probably be pretty great to find a job I like before I have babies. That way, I would have something to actually look forward to going back to once they’re a little older.

Which, of course, brings me to the harder part: finding a job I don’t hate. Hopefully the headhunters that keep calling me can help with that. If not, I suppose I could always make another appointment with the expensive psychic.


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  • Quadoz

    Buy a bar, bartend when you feel like it. That’s living the dream.

    City Cop by Midnight, Rookie Lawyer by Day

  • Virginia Dentata

    Wow, BL, the content on this site gets more insipid every day.

  • AngelaEsq

    Hm. Although I’m in minilaw, I just escaped to in-house counsel. It was beating cancer at 34 while busting my ass at the firm during chemo and radiaiton that burned me out.

    I did manage to get married and then pregnant 3 months after the wedding. However, my love of pedicures and dry cleaning defeated the stay at home thing. Hopefully my in house change will be more fulfilling. Thankfully I married a guy I like. (Unfortunately a prosecutor that asks me if I “intentionally” left my towel on the floor). Freeze your eggs and date for fun!

  • MagicCircleJerk

    no, just find a guy who’s rich enough so you can stay in the city in style and become a “tennis mom”

  • mean partner

    You fool. If you think its fun to work when you’re 40, saying “hi” to the cleaning people at 8:00pm on a summer night after the AC goes off, and going in on Saturday on a July morning when tennis moms are off to the beach, you literally have to be the most dense person ever. Your skin and youth are a wasting asset.

    If you want to use it “your” way, to stay free until you “want” to settle down, it’ll be too late. Why don’t you ask a few women over 37 how much fun it is to work all the time. At age 38 you’lll want to marry, but only guys way over 40 will want you. Where is Carson? What happened to the married partner? Have you lifted a finger to seduce the partner and lure him away from his wife?

  • Frank

    I think you just need a guy to give you very good sex at least 2x per night. The rest will just work out once you are relaxed.

    You women do too much thinking, and talking.

    Just drop your drawers, lean back, relax and we men will take good very care of you, both in and outside of the sack.

  • Strenuous Objector

    Is an epiphany where you ignore comments and advice for years, continuing down the same path while we laugh and then deciding one day to take some of that advice and pretend you thought of it? Because that’s exactly what you’re doing here. I could smell your desperation through my computer over 100 miles away, it’s been painfully obvious for a long time and suddenly you pull your head out from under your boulder size ignorance rock and finally see the light? How can people who the general population consider to be intelligent, lawyers, be so dense and stupid. I feel like the select few in the comments section are the only ones that could really see who you are and we don’t even know you.

  • Quadoz

    Strenuous Objector – Good insight man.

    • Guano Dubango

      Yes, but she is attracting the attention of new men with the scent she is giving off. If she now seeks to bear issue, perhaps she will be interested in dating me?