I think my favorite thing about this season of The Bachelor so far is I’ve seen more press for Reality Steve, the dude who made a career out of publishing Bachelor(ette)(in Paradise) spoilers, than for Ben, this season’s generic Ken doll who will make a bunch of ladies in questionable outfits sob like small children. Seriously, read about Reality Steve in New York Magazine, or in Jezebel, or in the New York Times, for some reason??
Maybe the focus is on Reality Steve because Ben Higgins is the most boring dude on the planet? Just spitballing. Ben was a quarterback! But he’s been dumped. He wants a girl with small town values! So he’s on a reality show. That’s about all the personality he has. He’s also got the not at all intimidating example of his parents who have been married for 32 years and are clearly still getting busy (congrats Mr. and Mrs. H!).
“I think finding my wife would make me a better man,” says Ben. Why is Ben not already a good man? Who has he killed?
We are promised a night of insanity and miniature horses, but first we have three previous Bachelors tell Blah Ben how to date girls on a reality show. My eyes glaze over a bit. The three wise men are Chris from last season who has already broken up with the woman he proposed to, Jason Mesnick who dumped the woman he proposed to and picked the runner up, and Sean Lowe, who I guess has a successful marriage, defying all the Bachelor odds, so good for him. But otherwise, these are the most successful dudes to emerge from this show. Good luck finding that woman who’ll make you a better man, Ben!
Lauren is a hot flight attendant who was “born to be from Southern California.” There are, by the way, about fifty Laurens on the show this season. Don’t expect me to tell them apart. Caila lives in Boston, so her intro is just shots of her wandering Boston. Boston: seems nice. Apparently she broke up with her boyfriend because she developed a crush on Ben when he was on TV, which seems too insane to be possible and yet here we are.
Jubilee is a soldier. Mandi is a weird dentist. Emily and Haley are TWINS! All of these women are very beautiful! Amanda is a divorced mom of two young girls, and specifies she is going on a reality show to date a stranger for her daughters, and let’s just not blame this on your kids, Amanda.
Tiara is a chicken enthusiast.
“It’s going to be hard for me to leave my chickens.” Samantha is a lawyer who thinks family is more important than lawyering, which is true.
FINALLY we get to the portion of the evening where Ben stands in a driveway greeting the women we’ve just seen, and more! But first, an awkward hug with Harrison. First out of the limo is flight attendant Lauren, who hopes Ben is ready to “take off” with her.
I’m just here to record the bad puns.
Caila jumps into Ben’s arms, makes some kind of pun, then runs off. Jennifer is so nervous she forgets to say her name. Jami is Canadian, and she knows Kaitlyn! Can Kaitlyn come hang out? I miss her. Samantha passed the bar! She makes an unsuccessful boxers or legal briefs joke.
Here to chronicle the bad puns, forever.
Lace is a real estate agent who gives Ben a kiss, while he’s still relatively clean.
You know how when someone who know references your twitter or something? Lauren R. does that with Ben’s social media, but forgets to tell him her name. Shushanna apparently speaks only Russian to Ben, which is a bold strategy. We’ll have to see how that works out for her.
Leah embarrasses herself by doing a football thing with her fancy dress on, but doesn’t embarrass herself as much as Joelle, who greets Ben while wearing a unicorn head.
One girl brings him the bouquet she caught at a wedding. Laura has a totally fake nickname, “red velvet,” because she has red hair. I guess you can substitute red hair for a personality. Mandi the weird dentist has a gigantic rose headband. But now we’ve reached THE TWINS! Boring, to be honest. Once you get over the creepy talking in unison they’re just more blonde women I won’t be able to tell apart.
The other women who’ve already arrived are DEEPLY OFFENDED that the twins are twins, as though being twins is a competitive advantage they planned in advance. Red Velvet goes into a fugue state. Lace, clearly the designated mean girl for this episode, rolls her eyes and sips wine and is fantastic.
Maegan brings her mini-horse Huey.
You know the face of a man who desperately wants to escape a situation? That’s Ben’s face meeting Maegan and her tiny horse. I am not clear on if he’s an emotional support horse or what? Will he remain with her the whole season?
Breanne waste perfectly edible gluten by breaking french loafs with Ben. This is neither charming nor interesting, and is also a socially irresponsible waste of food. Izzy wears footie pajamas instead of a fancy dress and asks Ben if he’s the “onesie” for me. Lace steals my thought by saying “NEXT.” Rachel, simply listed as “unemployed,” rides in on a hoverboard. Say it with me, Lace: NEXT.
Tiara meets Ben and doesn’t initially mention the chickens. He mumbles after she leaves that she’s beautiful. No, Ben! Run away from the Chicken Enthusiast! Just as I’m about to keel over from peroxide and weirdness, that’s it for the driveway greetings! We have a bunch of women! Time for them to FIGHT! Just kidding. Except Lace seems like the type to throw a punch. Get that girl some more white wine.
Mandi steals Ben and does an oral exam on him. I wish that were a euphemism? But she actually has dental accessories.
He passes. I shrink slowly into my couch from discomfort.
Olivia left her full time job as a news anchor to be on the show. Mistake! Never leave a full time anything for a reality show.
Just as Ben is settling in to meeting these weirdos, Becca and Amber from seasons past get out of limos and chat with Harrison about why they’re sacrificing their dignity on the altar of the Bachelor Nation once again. Becca is still a virgin, which is apparently her only distinguishing characteristic based on how often it’s mentioned.
Lace is pissed about the virginity. The other women are pissed because apparently they think it’s unfair, as though there are rules. Lace sneaks around watching other girls with Ben, before she asks him for another kiss. Then the dentist steals him! Lace is now a drunken, homicidal mean girl and she’s got her sights on Mandi. Before she can shank Mandi, Ben goes looking for Lace and takes her back away. This leads to a little handholding and no kiss, but Lace is just excited to be the chosen one, briefly. She doesn’t get the first impression rose though, that goes to newly unemployed newscaster Olivia!
It’s kind of great that Ben has chosen not to examine the tonsils of every woman in the house. It’s good to take your time before spreading mono between unsuspecting ladies.
All the girls in the finest Rent the Runway frocks stand around looking sad because they didn’t get the special rose and now it’s rose ceremony time. Some women get roses! Others do not. I can barely keep track because they all seem blonde. Lace gets the last rose, which is good because she was squirming and eye rolling and losing her mind. Red Velvet does not get a rose, and blames gingerism. What’s most amazing is Lace is upset Ben apparently didn’t look at her enough, and Ben’s looking at her like “can I take back the rose.” Caila calls Lace “fifty shades of crazy.”
We get a preview of all the tears and drama to come, and the show ends with Harrison and the mini pony snuggling, as it should.
I can’t wait because apparently Lace gets drunk and punches someone! YAY!