JoJo is excited to have all these meatheads fawning over her! She’s forced by the producers to say she wants what Ben and Lauren have, which is false, and also poor JoJo.
The show quickly identifies its first villain, Chad, a “luxury real estate agent.” Chad is concerned that not all the guys have experience dating a woman as beautiful as JoJo. In the case of the erectile dysfunction dude, this is definitely true.
Group date time, but first the limo is on fire? JoJo shows up with a team of firefighters to put out the flaming limo. Then all the guys get to pile on the fire truck for the date, which is at a firefighting academy. Obviously Grant, who is literally a firefighter, has the real advantage here. Radio DJ Wells struggles the most and gets some extra one on one time with JoJo whilst lying on a stretcher trying not to pass out. Clever play, Wells! Luke and Grant (and sort of Wells, but not really) get to compete in a final challenge to “rescue” JoJo. Grant wins because he is an actual firefighter.
Luke gets very Vince Lombardi about defeat. “The margin between victory and defeat is so, so thin sometimes,” Luke says pensively as Grant carries JoJo out of the building.
I would be fine with this outcome due to Grant being an actual firefighter. These guys need to learn some coping strategies. That evening, JoJo grabs Wells first, which is fun and more bachelor/ettes should just grab people during group dates to discourage whining. She and Luke make out, but Wells gets the group date rose. Chicks dig dudes who need time on stretchers!
Back home, the guys watch Chad use a weight belt to do pull-ups wearing his suitcase. Then the guys start practicing a song for JoJo, which Chad makes fun of them for. I’m with Chad here. The song is dumb.
Derek gets a one on one. How bad does the bachelor house smell right now, you think? I think it’s like 30% male tears, 30% body odor, 40% Axe? The date is a choose-your-own-adventure style, and they choose to take a flight to San Francisco (much to the chagrin of the guy holding the sign for “South,” who is downright unhappy that they choose “North”), where they have wine looking at the Golden Gate Bridge. Alcatraz is also in view, if you want that visual metaphor.
Later, they have dinner somewhere in Downtown LA, and Derek basically tells JoJo his last relationship ended with his ex cheating on him, or at least that’s what I think he said, don’t @ me.
Chad and Daniel are bonding over both being the worst. Hopefully this is this season’s bromance. Chad compares the other men in the house to ingredients in a protein shake. I’m lost.
The guys get to go on their group date to ESPN! Marcellus Wiley instructs them on how to “Strike a Rose,” which is basically just a chance to make these guys into gifs.
Then they have to fake propose to JoJo, which Chad ruins utterly by calling JoJo “naggy.” Protip: don’t do that. Chicks do not dig that. The guys all say Chad is the worst during the next part of the date, a fake press conference. Chad tells JoJo he’s not comfortable pretending he’s in love with her yet since he doesn’t know her. This earns him a solid place in the power rankings the ESPN hosts put together, but remember that any attempt to acknowledge that this show is about anything less than 100% TRU LUV gets you instantly branded the villain, so, sorry not sorry Chad. James Taylor gets ranked number one.
James Taylor and JoJo spend some time alone. James reads her a note about how he lets God down daily and likes strangers, honestly I wasn’t paying attention. But JoJo was! They kiss.
Chad talks smack about the other dudes, then during his time with JoJo opens up about his mother dying and his readiness to settle down. James Taylor gets the group date rose, however, because he wrote a weird note.
For the cocktail party, Chad is actively waiting for JoJo outside the house with a drink and a smile. The dudes are not happy when he walks her into the party. What ensues is roughly 30 minutes of dudes bitching about Chad, and Chad grazes at craft services a bunch. Chad later compares the several failed attempts from dudes to confront him about his behavior to West Side Story, and my pendulum is swinging so wildly from pro- to anti-Chad I’m dizzy and I don’t know how to feel. These guys are all about drama and compulsively repeating the word “bro,” and yet men control the world. I’ll never know how they do it.
At the rose ceremony, James the “Bachelor Superfan” and the hipster go home in favor of Chad. Honestly not sure who the third guy is, but almost certainly he could not compare to the man, the mystery, THE CHAD. Next week, we’re promised two nights of Chad-ness, and potentially somebody punching someone, though it’s not like I’m watching the show for the Hunger Games aspects, unless they’re deliberately introducing Hunger Games aspects, in which case I am on board. See you next week!