The dudes are living in a filthy, dude pigsty. Mostly they sit around talking about their pecs or glutes or something. Harrison huddles them all together to tell them that this week there will be two one-on-one date and one group date. The guys on the one-on-one one will risk going home if they don’t get a rose.
First solo date goes to Chase! They’re going to do yoga. JoJo has never done yoga before. I find that believable. JoJo looks like the kind of girl who murders in spin class, though.
Hemalaya (???) the yoga instructor, introduces them to the “anger-gasm,” which involves thrusting your pelvis and yelling. This entire yoga class involves far more yelling than I have ever done in a yoga class. They move on to doing yoga poses together.
“I feel like I wanna die right now, I’m so embarrassed,” is JoJo’s opinion of the date and of yoga in general. The instructor has JoJo climb on a seated Jordan’s lap and wrap her legs around him, and I can’t believe this is airing during family hour. Much is made of the fact that this pose is called Yab-Yum (it has a wikipedia page!) and JoJo can’t remember the name.
They make out a little while in the pose, so it did its job!
Later, Chase tells JoJo his sob story is that his parents got divorced. I mean, my parents were divorced and it didn’t make me want to go on a reality show looking for love, Chase! They dance while someone I’ve never heard of performs.
Back at the house, the dudes cannot stop having drama. The group date card goes to twelve guys, including Chad and Jordan. Chad complains about going on the group date, which leads to insults back and forth between Chad and Jordan. Chad calls Jordan a “failed football player.” Alex the Marine calls Chad a piece of crap. They snipe a little more. Someone says “that escalated quickly.”
Alex introduces us to the group date with: “I’m excited to go on my group date with ten guys, one douchebag, and myself, and a beautiful girl.” The date is at a theatre. Live action, not movie. A woman walks out and confounds the guys with an imitation of an orgasm that they react to with confusion and repeated claims of “never having heard that before.” (The jokes write themselves!) The show they’re at is called Sex Talk, and now the guys get to talk about their sex lives in front of an audience! One of the guys implores his mother to turn off the TV…and never turn it on again…
Jordan protests a bunch about not even talking to his guy friends about sex. Evan wants to make fun of Chad during his story because he broke “man code.” By being mean? I thought like 90% of man code was about making fun of other guys. We get snippets of the guys’ sex stories edited for family-friendly TV. There’s threesomes, virginity loss, and Daniel ties up women and cuts their hair, apparently. There’s a shot of Wells on the floor making a fart noise followed by the event MC thanking him for his threesome story. I would love for that to be made available on the internet, please and thanks.
Evan uses his story to say Chad has a small penis because of steroids. Chad tries to rip off Evan’s shirt, it seems like, or at least that’s the sound effect they play. Chad’s revenge is calling JoJo up on stage with him and trying to kiss her, but she dodges. So Chad is doubly humiliated. While JoJo chats with the crowd about the stories, the guys go into a waiting area. Chad punches a door and shoves Evan. His knuckles are bleeding.
That night, there’s an unusual number of leather jackets at the group date afterparty, these are the kinds of details I actually care about. Why is everyone in leather??
The whole group date is a cluster of dudes duding everywhere. The highlight is Chad comparing Evan to Gary Oldman from The “Fifth Element.” It’s so spot on, it’s scary. Throw Evan in some Gaultier, already. Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum: Chad goes, or he does. Listen, I know Chad should go, but he won me over AGAIN by referencing a truly underappreciated sci-fi film. Evan’s theory is that Chad is bad. Chad’s theory is that he is a bully, but Evan is exaggerating how much of a bully he is. Logic’d, America.
JoJo outplays Evan’s ultimatum by giving him the group date rose. He’s so excited he forgot that he still has to hang around Chad. Chad, meanwhile, is mind = blown over Evan getting the rose. “You’re actually right now vibing this dude?” JoJo dismisses them. Chad’s worldview cannot reconcile a woman as beautiful as JoJo going for Evan. It makes his roommate Derek a little scared, and actually all the guys on the show think it’s only a matter of time before Chad experiences some sort of roid rage psychotic break. The show introduces a security guard who’s patrolling around Chad.
JoJo and James Taylor go swing dancing! How charming. That’s all I got. JoJo is trying to figure out if they have a romantic connection. I’m pretty certain they don’t, but JoJo is way too nice to acknowledge that. JoJo is always beautiful, but she looks especially gorgeous in 40s attire. It’s actually a little unfair to the rest of us mere mortals.
Daniel sits with Chad, who is casually munching on a raw sweet potato. Daniel compares his friendship with Chad to a friendship with Hitler. “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler,” Chad says. I wish he would have disparaged Hitler’s ability to lift, at least.
Harrison shows up to tell the guys that there won’t be a cocktail party…because there will be an ALL DAY POOL PARTY! Is this a middle school edition of The Bachelorette? Everyone’s excited about JoJo in a bathing suit. Chad offers some incoherent warbling about not NEEDING to see JoJo in a bathing suit because he can guess what she looks like in a bathing suit.
Evan tattles to Harrison about Chad’s scariness. Harrison talks to Chad and tells him to apologize and play nice with the other boys, essentially. Chad’s voiceover offers to dismember all the guys as he walks back into the house. And we’ll have to find out about the murders tomorrow night!
A truly extraordinary credits outtake involves James Taylor and a squealing female producer trying to rescue a moth. The outtakes during the credits this season have been at least as compelling as Chad’s roid rage.
AND WE’RE BACK. Two nights in a row of The Bachelorette has been a little rough on me, I must confess. I watch the whole pool party with a raging headache, so sorry for missing any details about Chad pumping iron or bench pressing Evan or something.
When Harrison finishes his pep talk to Chad about playing nice with the other boys, Chad offers Evan $20 to replace his shirt. They have a circular conversation about nothing for a while. The more time we spend with Evan the more sympathetic I am to Chad. That’s how annoying Evan is.
JoJo thought the cocktail parties were “stressful,” so she elects to spend the day watching the dudes do stuff like synchronized diving into the pool and “chicken fight” (I don’t know what this is, and I don’t care, but it also has a wikipedia page).
It’s a cool laid back day, you guys! They do shots! Evan gets a nosebleed, which the producers must have been so excited about because they played it up like he might’ve gotten punched. He did not get punched, there was no punching, and really it’s not fair. Also, of course Evan gets nosebleeds. When I was a wee tot, nosebleeds marked you as a “weird kid,” and there is no kid weirder than Evan.
JoJo and Jordan are all over each other, which gives him another chance to insist he’s here for the right reasons. BUT IS HE???
Chad tries to figure out what all of America is wondering: how can she keep him and Evan? How is it possible for one woman to like both ice cream and steak, Chad wonders. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT, CHAD. JoJo can’t really answer that question truthfully, because obviously she only care about Jordan and the other dudes are just being kept around for drama. Sorry.
At the rose ceremony, Ali, Christian, and Nick (who dressed as Santa) are eliminated, and Chad once again gets the final rose. I can’t let this show annoy me to death, I won’t give the producers the satisfaction, but as usual the non-white contestants are faring poorly and the Bachelor/ette machine marches on.
Anyway, now it’s time to get out of the house and move on to a second location, glamorous…Pennsylvania! For some reason JoJo flies in in a vintage airplane.
My guess is the Bachelor/ette mansion will have to be carpet bombed after such an intense dude infestation.
JoJo goes on a date with Luke. They ride in a cart pulled by dogs (huh?) to a spot in the woods where there’s a hot tub! I knew this show would have to bring back the hot tub eventually. JoJo is pretty excited about Luke’s abs, and she’s not wrong. Later, Luke covers some of his background in the military and the loss of his friend in Afghanistan, and I get mad at George W. Bush again. Moving right along…They went to another concert and another band I’ve never heard up played. JoJo and Luke were put on a platform in front of the stage to dance together and make out. Not my idea of romance, but then this show rarely takes my notes.
For the group date, the dudes are going to Heinz Field in Pittsburgh and are tutored in football things by members of the Pittsburgh Steelers, including a guy who has been accused of sexual assault multiple times. Stay classy, show! JoJo is living the cool girl monologue from Gone Girl as she discusses the central role football plays in her life.
The guys are divided into teams, with the winning team getting to spend more time with JoJo. James Taylor receives a headwound the medic thinks needs stitches but he insists on remaining to play for JoJo’s hand, and I tell the TV: “No, James Taylor. No.”
Jordan, as an ex-NFL player with a more famous and accomplished brother, serves as the quarterback for both teams, so he wins no matter what. Jordan embraces the chance to show off his skills, bragging that he was throwing well. Look, Grant the firefighter had the grace to not brag about how well he did in the firefighting challenge. Learn from his lessons, Jordan.
Evan got another nosebleed because he is the weird kid.
Oddly enough, the weirdo kid team Evan is on won, and I won’t pretend to understand the sporting that went into the victory, except to say it might have been as entertaining as the soccer shenanigans from last season of The Bachelor.
That night, both Jordan and Robby are falling in love with JoJo. I am not sure I even recognize Robby, so good luck with that, pal. JoJo gushes more about Jordan saying he’s falling for her, so he gets the rose. Robby is like “I’M RIGHT HERE ALSO FALLING FOR YOU,” good luck with that.
Chad and Alex the Marine are going on a double date! Two men go, one man returns. Before that, Chad threatens to come to Jordan’s house after the show ends. For cuddling, I presume?
On the date, let’s just skip to the good part: Alex tells JoJo what a jackass Chad is, and then reveals he threatened Jordan. JoJo is NOT gonna allow Chad to threaten the one guy she actually likes on the show. Chad’s going home. Before that, Chad yells at Alex for outing him as a psycho, and Alex says “Hay’s in the barn, dude,” and Chad says “Pigs are in the castle,” and I can’t love this show any more than I do.
So while Alex and JoJo are making out in some sort of rustic living room, Chad is trudging through the woods to confront the guys. “Chad’s outside,” one of the guys says casually, as though the show isn’t playing axe murderer music.
And, in two weeks–crying! And stuff! We’re taking a week off because of basketball, apparently, so thanks a lot Steph and LeBron, I hold you personally responsible for my suspense over whether or not Chad murders everyone in Pennsylvania. See you in two weeks!