JoJo is in beautiful, glamorous Buenos Aires! Mostly because Uruguay’s tourism board ran out of money, I’m sure.
Harrison and JoJo have a confab. Big week for JoJo! She’s a little afraid of falling in love with multiple people a la Ben. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, she’s starting to understand how the world of heightened reality might make for emotional upheaval and poor decision-making. Vindication for Ben, I guess.
There will be ANOTHER TWO ON ONE DATE. The caps I used just then don’t even compare to the shocked reaction of the guys. It’s like there’s no rules in this season! None!
Wells is picked for the solo date. His card says bésame, which if you don’t speak Spanish or know the song “Bésame Mucho” means “kiss me.” Wells admits to the guys he has not in fact kissed JoJo yet. Woah, say the guys. They’re all way more comfortable openly discussing making out with the same woman repeatedly, sometimes on the same night, than I would ever have thought possible. At this point, the house is summer camp with one very eligible camp counselor. One of the guys translates the card as “Kiss me, bro-chacho,” which is about right.
Wells and JoJo walk around, then go to some strange Cirque du Soleil thing where they learn how to do stuff in a suspended pool?
It reminds me of that photoshoot on Top Model that they did in a suspended pool. In fact, I google it, and it IS the thing from Top Model, an interactive theater production called Fuerza Bruta. Tyra was here first, y’all.
Wells finally, awkwardly kisses JoJo while swimming around in the pool. “WE DID IT, WELLS!” JoJo exclaims. That’s totally what you want to hear after your first kiss with someone: them cheering like you just passed a really tough math quiz.
At dinner in a weird old abandoned mansion JoJo asks Wells about his ex. The fact that JoJo starts every date conversation with “so tell me about your ex” is a little weird, but then again she can’t stop talking about Ben, so…
Wells says after four years he realized they were better as friends. I’m sure his ex’s side of the story is less clean but sure.
Wells: “Yeah, after four years we realized we were just friends.”
Wells’s ex, watching at home: “OH, DID WE REALIZE THAT? DID WE?”
After their nice little dinner, JoJo nicely dismisses Wells by saying they just didn’t have the connection she was looking for. The kiss changed everything for Wells, and changed everything for JoJo, too, in, uh, the opposite way. Adios, my radio host friend. JoJo goes back to Fuerza Bruta, which is now full of people having an awesome time. She stands around looking pensive before embracing the true joy of solo water-rave-dancing.
Chase and Derek are going on the two on one date and all the other guys are going on a group date. They’re all shocked when the PA of shame comes in to collect Wells’ bag.
On the group date, they wander around a neighborhood of Buenos Aires. JoJo introduces the guys to a lady as “all my boyfriends.”
James Taylor is worried his dad bod can’t compete with Jordan’s sexy abs. He wins the soccer goal contest the guys are challenged to, though, so I’m not sure what he’s whining about? Shut up, James Taylor.
Luke and JoJo go off to make out while sexy Spanish guitar plays. JoJo says their spark is Cah-Ray-Zee, so it’s real. They’re pretty steamy for prime time, y’all. I’m not sure that the base they’re at is even on the field. You know the time Ralph Wiggum caught Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel in the closet at school? It’s kind of like that.
Back at the dude hotel, Chase gets all mad because Derek isn’t serious face enough about their two-on one date. If I’m Derek I just walk around the house saying, “well soooorrrryyyyy, Chase.”
James Taylor tells JoJo that Jordan is a jackass and uses his celebrity for, uh, purposes. JT is sort of mumbly about Jordan’s entitlement and snobbery. Jordan tells JoJo he is NOT entitled, and she plays with his floppy hair. Oh, JoJo. You in danger, girl. “Character is huge for me,” Jordan says. He returns to the group date, sits next to James Taylor, and angrily swirls wine in his glass in a super creepy way that I can’t wait to have made into a GIF.
He finally calls Luke out, they have a bro-gument, and Luke gets the date rose. James and Jordan look very put out. Don’t start no shit won’t be no shit, James!
Two-on-one time! Yes, it’s going to be a tango-themed date.
I am so happy.
JoJo’s wearing a gorgeous red dress that is only rivaled by the tango instructor lady’s purple dress that has a slit to her waist.
The tango lesson is an “interpretive dance of struggle” of both men fighting over JoJo’s affections. Via dance. The guys dance with each other at one point, but sadly JoJo and tango instructor lady don’t dance together, then fall for each other due to a mutual love of sparkly and revealing dresses, and run away leaving the world of men who battle via interpretive dance far behind them. JoJo/Tango Lady fanfic is just waiting for the right writer, though.
At the point of the evening where there’s dinner on the table but no one’s eating, Derek and JoJo make out, then JoJo takes Chase aside to berate him for not being open enough with her. She says she regrets not opening up more with Ben. Then they make out. I’m very confused as to who is going home. Chase gets the rose. Derek: “I didn’t think this was going to happen.” Neither did I! Chase and JoJo dance while a lady sings “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina,” and we cut repeatedly to Derek sobbing on the car ride to the airport. This is the most savage thing the show has ever done! Cruel and remorseless! I laugh so hard I start crying for Derek and Argentina, too!
At the cocktail party, Alex does a bit of complaining about never having a one-on-one date or getting a group rose. Alex is super entitled, maybe he doesn’t realize he isn’t The Bachelorette? On your show, short guy, you can do whatever you want!
At the rose ceremony, as JoJo is about to choose between Alex and James Taylor, she runs dramatically from the room. She tells Harrison she just can’t do it. He says he understands and takes the rose from her.
Finally, a rose for Chris Harrison! He is divorced now, so…
A PA brings TWO roses to JoJo back in the Room of Decisionmaking, so both guys stay. James Taylor is beyond overjoyed. Alex whines about getting a “pity rose.” You will take your pity rose and like it, Alex! JoJo is relieved and will be able to sleep tonight, but she’s only delaying the inevitable so I’m not sure what she’s so happy about.
Lazy, entitled Millennials, always expecting participation roses! See you next week! May you all face your enemies this week with the completely essential Real Housewife aplomb of white-wine-sipping indignant Jordan.