It’s the longest day of the year, and we get to celebrate with Chad leaving!
The guys spread Chad’s leftover protein powder ashes, which is hilarious, good job, guys. Wells intones “Death to Tyrants” as he drop kicks the protein powder container into the woods. I’m gonna hope Wells isn’t comparing Chad to Abraham Lincoln?
Chad returns. Evan: “I hope he’s not here for the protein powder.”
Chad rants at Jordan, Jordan rants back, Jordan and all the other guys bid him adieu, and our long national Chad-mare is over. Alex returns to the house to a celebratory face full of cupcakes as the guys chant “SLAYER OF THE DRAGON!” Absolute nerdery, this is. The triumph of Chad leaving Bachelorette is undercut by a commercial confirming that yep, Chad is headed to Bachelor in Paradise. It’s cool that the show led us to believe Chad is a crazed violent maniac…that they can’t wait to have on another show in this franchise. Cool message!
JoJo tells the guys why she got rid of Chad, but she could’ve condensed it to “Chad is a douche, don’t you guys be douches.” I look down for TWO SECONDS and suddenly she and another guy are in those weird bubble things running into each other. Robby then takes JoJo outside and kisses her in front of everyone. Everybody gets all nervous. One dude whips out POETRY. I realize the problem with this show being off for a week is all these guys look exactly the same to me. Alex interrupts. I recognize Alex because he slayed the dragon.
Daniel, the comedian, who has outlasted so many people who didn’t get ultra drunk and take their clothes off the first night for no apparent reason, talks to JoJo. Ugh, Daniel! Chad was angry a JoJo liking the erectile dysfunction expert but I am OFFENDED that JoJo tolerates Daniel.
Speaking of erectile dysfunction guy, he says all the guys have turned into “mini-Chads” and he is upset that guys with roses keep making out with JoJo. Jordan takes JoJo one room away from all the other dudes to make out with her.
At the rose ceremony, the guy who wrote the poem goes home! Adios, James F. JoJo is more into football than poetry. Daniel also goes home, which is well deserved. JoJo tells the guys they’re going to URUGUAY! Everyone’s excitement is a bit tempered by their lack of understanding of geography. At least half the guys were not aware that Uruguay was a country.
In Uruguay, their hotel is nice, apparently. One of the guys says it has a 360-degree view of the ocean! That’s not what 360 degrees means–it’s 180 at best.
Jordan gets a one on one date. The guys are like “…” Yes, gentlemen, while you were sleeping, Jordan was stealing your girl. While Jordan and JoJo make out on a boat, the guys have a Jordan-centric complaint fest. Jordan isn’t there for the right reasons! But then one of the guys has a People Magazine that says JoJo got back together with her ex (the one who left roses and a note on her door before her hometown with Ben last season, whose name is Chad!) and only went on the Bachelorette for publicity and now the guys aren’t sure if JOJO is here for the right reasons!
During the dinner part of the Jordan-JoJo date, JoJo talks about how sad she was after her last relationship and what a terrible and manipulative jerk her ex was. Then she flat out asks Jordan about his ex, who she apparently met, who said he was a bad boyfriend. Awkward. Also, the show makes it sound like JoJo randomly ran into Jordan’s ex, which is about as likely as her not talking to Jordan before the show. Manufactured reality! Jordan has to take a drink before he can answer.
Jordan answers super squirrelly like and I sink down into my couch hissing. After her intense quizzing of Jordan JoJo loses her backbone and asks if he’s mad at her, then he gets the rose. NO, JOJO, NO. “Jordan is a SNAKE!” I tell the TV. Alas, JoJo doesn’t hear me. They stumble on a street performance and dance. JoJo: “This could be the start of the most perfect love story…That’s crazy.” IT IS CRAZY, JOJO!
After the date, the producers tell JoJo the guys have seen the article and show it to her. The guys give the article to Jordan. JoJo does a lot of angry crying.
She goes to see the guys and specifically says she doesn’t want them to think she’s not here for the right reasons! She is all about the right reasons! The article is lies! The guys decide to believe her, because what else are they going to do.
The two guys not on the group date (Robby and Jordan) get a spa day. The guys on the group date snowboard down sand dunes, which seems painful. A few of the guys rapidly realize they’re competing for her love and don’t like that. Alex in the interview portion has a terrible hair situation and considers Derek the new Chad. Derek gets a rose to “reassure” him. Alex and the other guys desperately want to dangle Derek out a window.
On Robby’s date, JoJo drives them around, which is yet another impressive thing about JoJo. I can barely handle driving in LA and here’s JoJo navigating South American traffic. They jump off a cliff! Apparently Robby was an Olympic swimmer. Robby tells JoJo that after his best friend died in a car crash he decided to quit his job, dump his girlfriend, and go on the show. He tells JoJo he’s in love with her. Too soon!!
The guys start doing rose math and realize they’re on a reality competition show and some of them are going to lose. They start picking apart the notion of Derek’s reassurance rose. Alex mocks Derek to his face, and Derek points out the guys are turning into a Mean Girls clique. Alex wishes he had Regina George’s way with words.
We go straight to the rose ceremony. Evan the erectile dysfunction expert is going home. He cries. Grant the firefighter is going home. Vinny whose job was less memorable is going home. He cries.
Next week, we’re going to Buenos Aires, and still half the guys probably do not know where that is! There is more crying to come, and more right reasons to be found. Yay?