It’s tough being a lawyer these days. Miniscule bonuses, salary-freezes, layoffs, snippy partners, boring work (if you’re lucky enough to even have any work). But what makes things even worse are the incessant, sophomoric, sexual comments on this blog! Guys, can’t you think of something better to say than “Poo-say?” Can’t you make a more nuanced point about male/female relationships than “Lawyers deserve hot chicks?”
For the record, I like sex and hot chicks too. A lot. (And for the record, I get a lot too. Fact.) So this isn’t some prudish, right-wing, asexual rant. It’s a “be funnier” rant. It’s a “don’t waste my time with stupidity” rant.
Posting idiotic, un-funny, 8th grade sex comments is just plain ol’ boring. It doesn’t make my ten minutes on Bitter Lawyer more interesting or entertaining. It doesn’t inspire anger, hate or laughter—any of which would be terrific. It’s just lame.
So if you have some compelling, biological need to post sexual comments, that’s cool, just be better at it. Be funnier. Smarter. Edgier. Angrier. Weirder. Anything but boring. And please, for the love of God, stay away from the kinds of phrases and words freshman geeks in high school tend to use, like “poon” and “BJ.” It’s lame when they say stuff like that, but at least they have an excuse—they’re 14 and have never actually had sex. Probably never even seen a naked chick in person either. Oh wait, something just occurred to me: The sex-less ass clowns on this site doing all the stupid posting probably never have either. Now it all makes sense.
You comment dorks went to law school thinking it would somehow be a passport to naked romps with cute women. You sadly assumed that getting a JD and landing a job at some mid-size insurance defense firm in Philly would somehow transform you from loser to rock star. Here’s a newsflash: It doesn’t. Women don’t care about JDs or MBAs when it comes to dating or just plain ol’ having sex. If you’re a loser, you’re a loser. Fact.
So, I guess my point is that if you guys insist on reducing every single post on this site to some sort of sexual referendum on a lawyer’s right to get laid, just step up your game. Writing about sex for the sake of writing about sex—or for the even sadder purpose of reading the dirty words you wrote online—is boring. Actually, it’s pathetic.
Got a Bitter Rant of your own?