Previously: Trevor was a turbodouche! Kate’s dating a woman! Ben is a tad conflicted about that! We got one great second stew and one third stew who’s maybe good and maybe a rumbling geyser of potential problems! Trevor was douche again to such a degree that Nico and Lauren formed a spontaneous comedy team! Sea! Sun! Let’s go!
We return to last week’s conversation with Kelley and Captain Lee in which Lee basically says to lower the boom on Trevor if he continues to be a problem. To be clear: We’re only on day two of the first charter and they’re already talking about how they may need to fire him.
I know that reality shows deliberately cast some people to be abrasive, but I think Trevor went way beyond Bravo’s wildest dreams. The network posted a gif of him picking his nose and eating the spoils last week.
— Bravo (@BravoTV) September 9, 2016
Some producer or editor had enough and tucked that one away for months until the premiere. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unlike mucus, apparently.
Though it looked last week like Kelley was going to avoid the tough love conversation with Trevor, he gets right to it. He really does seem to be focused on doing a good job. Kelley sits Trevor down alone and in a non-threatening way, leads with a compliment, and then tells Trevor he needs to stop barking orders at Nico and Lauren. Trevor interviews that he feels “undermined.” Well, no. Trevor’s immediate supervisor saw a problem and asked him to correct it. That’s not really what undermining is. Trevor elaborates that if Nico and Lauren had a problem with him, they should have come straight to him. Sure, because he’s made himself so easy to talk to.
The stews are preparing for a beach picnic. There’s a ton to do – they pretty much have to bring a full table service to shore and then pack it all back up again – but Sierra the new stew seems admirably game about learning. I thought she was going to be immediately difficult and flighty, but so far she seems like she’s really working at it. In the middle of that, we cut to Trevor, who is alone and muttering to himself about being undermined. It’s just a glimpse that lands you somewhere between funny and frightening. Kudos to the editing team. They’re setting up the inevitable explosion like a classic suspense movie.
Ben is already running out of no-gluten no-dairy no-flat no-soy no-flavor ingredients. He needs provisions from the island. Also, as a man who has chosen a life that revolves around making things taste good, he’s cranky. Kelley and Lauren go on the food run, leaving Nico and Trevor alone to take all the beach stuff to shore in the inflatable.
…And Sierra has lost my loyalty again. She asks Emily if Kate and Ben are involved, since there’s clearly history and affection there. Emily tells Sierra that Kate has a girlfriend and Sierra immediately jumps in and says “It’s a cool experience. I left it in college, but…” with a look on her face that’s intended to let Emily (and the viewing audience) know that she, Sierra, is by far the most intriguing and naughty girl for several galaxies around.
The whole “I experimented in college” thing is better than homophobia, yes, but it is still made of ugh. It’s all about getting street cred for making out with a girl while still explicitly defining oneself as safely straight. Thin ice, Sierra. Emily and Sierra joke that she was asking because she’s interested and we awkwardly cut to Ben leer-laughing. But it really feels like it’s a laugh from something else. Either that or they cut a lot out of that conversation.
Nico gets dropped off alone on the beach with all the equipment. It’s a ton of stuff to set up. He radios Trevor for help, since that’s explicitly what Trevor is supposed to be doing, Trevor radios that he has something to finish up on the boat and then slowly tucks into a leisurely breakfast. He interviews that this is payback for Nico talking about him. Trevor is eight years old. Oh, and a total douche.
Kate tells a completely crazymittens story. I need to transcribe this. It starts when Ben is at the grill and Kate waves the refrigerator door to cool him off. Then she gets a memory and says:
“I was dating this guy, and every morning, he would put cornstarch on his balls…”
[Yes, I know. I KNOW. This is already a lot to process]
“And then stand in front of the oscillating fan…”
[Kate is from Florida. I feel like that helps to make sense of it all.]
“And he’s like, ‘My fan’s broken!’”
[And here the editors cut away, because they know they have us.]
We cut to a pelican, and to Nico once again radioing Trevor to get over there and help. And then we’re back in the kitchen with Ben saying, “So you were flapping his cornstarched balls,” just as Captain Lee starts to walk in. Kate demonstrates her ball-drying flapping and finally finishes her story:
“And then I was like, ‘Ready, go!’ and I went like this really hard, and then I whacked him with the magazine. And then they look at Captain Lee and Ben explains that they were just talking about balls. Captain Lee takes it pretty well in stride.
Trevor finally gets his douchey ass to the island. Trevor takes on the vital project of spelling out a hashtagged message with sticks and leaves Nico to set up a canopy by himself.
I have put up one of those canopies before, and it’s a pain in the butt with three or four people. It’s got to be close to impossible with one. I don’t know how Trevor got through this day without Nico jamming a floatie up his rectum.
Back in the world of genius editing non-sequiturs, one of the guests says that too many hot dogs cause childhood leukemia. What??
Finally, the stews are on the island and Kate seems really happy that Sierra wants to learn and Emily rocks. We know that Kate’s happiness will be shattered, but let’s let her enjoy it for now.
And we can finally see what Trevor’s contribution to the day was. It’s sticks, clumsily arranged into # BEACH PARTY. That’s the extent of his handiwork. Here’s the weird part: This doesn’t seem to be Trevor just being a dick at this point. Some part of him seems to think this is an important part of the job. Oh, lord. The guests come to the beach and really do take pictures of “#BEACH PARTY” in sticks.
Well, at least we know how to make them happy.
Kate and Ben discuss dinner timing and megabitchery. It’s really too bad that they won’t get to be an old married couple. Trevor, who is supposed to be shining up the metal on the boat, sleeps in the crew mess. This is some egregious jerkfacery. You get to be the authoritarian dickweed or the guy who’s always shirking. One is a personality trait. Both at the same time just means you’re horrible.
Kelsey, the guest Kelley has the hots for, strips down to her bikini. Sierra admits that she finds Kelley and Nico hot. Kelley and Nico are finding the guests hot, but Kelley reminds Nico and himself that they would never marry guys like them. It reminds me of some of the first cruise ship wisdom I heard: “Don’t become someone else’s vacation.”
Time to leave the beach party! Kate is thrilled with having two good stews and reports as much to the Captain. That’s a class act. Nico tells Lauren that Trevor was awful and it’s really bonding them. She calls their beach cleanup awkwardly romantic. Lauren seems sane and competent, so she’s not getting much screen time.
The Instagram ladies are talking about why one of them prefers a small dick. Another seems baffled by the very notion. Girl, please.
Trevor tells Ben about his sticks and rocks project and Ben is nonplussed. This is where I started to think that there might be something going on with Trevor’s wiring. He genuinely doesn’t seem to be able to process other people’s reactions sometimes.
Lauren has worked in restaurants and is happy to help out in the kitchen. Well, you’re not going to get more screen time that way, Lauren.
Trevor is doodling in the crew mess. Kelley asks Emily to say “doodling” again. It’s a little early in their acquaintance to make jokes about being creepy, so it’s just a little creepy.
Ben serves a lovely meal, but he screws up and serves something with barley in it, which has gluten, which he was just bitching about this morning, so there is really no excuse. The guests are pretty cool about it. Kelley is into Kelsey, Kelsey is into Kelley. He’s following her on Instagram for later.
The guests bitch about the wifi and Instagram every bit of their meal, but then applaud Ben’s arrival and refuse to be annoyed about him serving something that was specifically on a guest’s restriction sheets. That really is pretty cool of them. I’ll take plugged-in people who know how to let things go over crabby sophisticates any day.
Later that night, some of the guests get on the crew walkie-talkie and, oof, wake Kelley from a dead sleep.
Kelly interviews that he can’t touch Kelsey, but he does come up to the sky deck when summoned. Kate interviews that a charter guest hitting on you is tricky, as I’m sure it is. I’ve heard plenty of flight attendants on commercial airlines talk about having to deal with passengers who think they’re there for the groping. I can’t imagine what it must be like for crew members on a charter, where the whole point is that passengers are having their whims indulged.
Speaking of whims, Kelley plays Sexual Tension Connect 4 with Kelsey. Kelley is skeptical and says that he’s essentially the butler, and the butler does not get the hot rich girl. Kelsey wins. The game, yes, but also this encounter.
To underscore Kelley’s point, we get poignant shots of the difference in their rooms as Kelley and Kelsey go their separate ways to bed.
In the crew mess, the crew discuss the ages (and hotnesses) of the guests and their own ages. Emily is 21; Nico is 22. Trevor says he’s “24 going on 25” like he’s four years old. He asks Nico about his wrist tattoo, which says “Relentless,” but it’s one of those questions where the person asking doesn’t really care about the answer and is just using it as a springboard into his own stuff. Then Trevor, unprompted goes into an extensive discussion of his tattoos.
Dude is not good at reading the room. He has a jellyfish tattoo in commemoration of a friend who died, which is a fine reason to get a tattoo. Trevor says that on his ribs, it says “Wash out the fading away with the rising tide.” Reflecting on this in an interview, Trevor says that anyone can be taken at any time, so enjoy life to the fullest. You have one chance; take it and be who you want to be. Emily says it’s good when tattoos mean something, but Trevor interrupts her to launch into how he has a tattoo of a black sheep eating a mushroom. He proudly says it means “never follow the herd and always be willing to get weird.” Aww, Trevor knows that people don’t like him. Is he unable to figure out why?
Trevor’s final tattoo says “Live and let live,” which is a thing he does not do, so maybe it’s good that he has that one on there.
Sierra is awakened by the walkie-talkie – Whoops! She slept in. She rushes to get coffee for Captain Lee and interviews that she was a nanny before and this is similar. She brings Lee a coffee with the sugar packet dropped into it. Lee finds it and jokes that it’s time-release. Sierra then goes to Kate and tells her directly that she overslept. Kate is cool with it because Sierra is honest about it and she’s learning.
Trevor is doing some weird arm signals as they’re trying to bring up the anchor and get moving. And I don’t just mean weird nautical hand signals; Captain Lee has no idea what he’s trying to convey. Lee refers to what Trevor is doing as “limp-dick motions.”
It’s Day Three of their first charter of the season. Trevor can really piss off a boat.
Kelsey reveals that she and Kelley have not exchanged numbers, but they are following each other on “The Gram.” She says there will be DMs.
Ben and Kate have an epic fight about toast. She says Ben is the most prone to freaking out at breakfast. He says it is the stews’ job to make toast. She says to just tell her to make some toast then. Ben and Kate make up, as they always will. This time it’s with awkward hugs.
We’re docking! Kelley explains that docking is dangerous because it’s an enormous ship that needs to come right up to a floating dock that will give away if the ship taps it. And also you need the lines to be good and tight when you’re tying up. Trevor is on the bow line, and, yes’m he is working hard in terms of physical exertion, but he’s not working well. He keeps tying off the line with like 87 loops before he gets the word that it’s tight enough. Which means he needs to keep rewrapping it, which is a pain in the butt, but also almost entirely his own fault. Trevor bitches over the walkie-talkie. While Captain Lee is on. Forget Kelley firing him. Lee is going to pop Trevor’s eyeballs out with a grapefruit spoon.
The guests line up the male deckhands for a group picture and then Kelley goes in for a pic with Kelsey. Trevor says he’s a huge hypocrite, which is deeply unfair. Kelley is responding to a specific guest request in front of everyone. It’s not like they’ve snuck off to a guest room for canoodling.
As they’re preparing for debarkation and getting all the giant luggage back off, Trevor radios to Kelley to “run and get him a cart.” Nico cannot even fathom how Trevor is such an idiot. Kelley’s points are 1) You, Trevor, are not doing anything. 2) I am your boss. And 3) Fucking go get the cart your fucking douchey self.
I know the producers were excited about the drama of someone maybe getting fired, but I think Trevor is already jumping out of that territory and into getting himself murdered.
Trevor interviews that it was wrong of Kelley, his boss, to act like he is Trevor’s boss. He says the captain (who he talked back to today) is his real boss and that he and Kelley have the exact same experience. BUT KELLEY WAS HIRED AS YOUR BOSS. Welcome to the world. Trevor says “You gotta give me some control,” by which, based on this incident, he seems to mean that he should be able to give Kelley orders and Kelley should not be able to give him orders. How did Trevor ever get promoted to anything. Is he really unable to absorb the concept of rank when he’s not at the top of the ladder?
Time to go! The primary is super nice about specifically complimenting the whole crew and leaves a tip. Aww, she’s cool.
And it’s time to get the boat ready again. Emily says Nico is cute. Kate advises Emily that Nico is cute at 22 and in six years he’s going to be the hottest thing on the planet. Emily lists what she looks for in a man. She likes brains, experience, and wit, and says she’s “not fussed” about genital size. See, Instagram lady?
Kate says that if Nico weren’t 22 and she weren’t a lesbian… Well. That was a decisive declaration. And kind of a weird one, given that Kate was into men last season and still acknowledges an attraction for Ben. But, hey, in with both feet. Beats the hell out of “experimented in college.” Get in there, Kate.
Meeting time! Lee says the stews are going to be good and the deckhands are OK, but need to dial it back. Kate translates for us because Lee is not gushy with compliments. Trevor is deeply offended that he hasn’t been congratulated on everything he’s done. Like with the sticks. OK, for real, something is wrong with Trevor.
There’s a $15,000 tip for the crew to split. Sierra can’t believe she just got handed $1,300 for three days’ work. Lee says go out and have fun but don’t get cray because there’s work tomorrow.
Yeah, that always gets listened to.
Something. Is wrong. With Trevor. Everyone is scrambling to get the boat ready for the next charter. While this is going on, Trevor is sitting at a table buying a truck on his phone when Captain Lee is right there. Lee SEES HIM passing off work while he fucks around. No, wait, Trevor discusses this fact with Lee, making sure to mention the price. Then he radios with the other deckhands, who are working, and says he’s still figuring out some accounting stuff. Lee is done with Trevor. He’s actually laughing instead of angry at him because Trevor is so astonishingly stupid.
There is a clogged crew toilet. Kate calls Trevor to deal with it, because Trevor. Again, he got everyone on the boat to hate him, including people who aren’t on his work crew, in less than a week. This might be Trevor’s superpower.
Kate corrects Sierra on leaving an iron on when she steps out for a moment. She doesn’t like it that Sierra has a happy resting face because it seems crazy to her. She says that only lunatics and Labradors smile all the time.
Trevor has just finished with his declogging duties and Kelly calls him to the main deck. Trevor says “I’m busy” in a tone of voice that’s so supercilious it would automatically get his ass kicked in 14 states. Trevor reminds us that he has been a bosun. Were you aware? He says – for real, apparently without irony – that if Kelley didn’t have such a big ego, Trevor could show him how to be a good bosun. WHAT IS WRONG WITH TREVOR? Is it a personality disorder? Did he have all self-awareness surgically removed after a tragic douchery accident? What?
Kelley tears into Trevor with an appropriate level of harshness. Trevor nods, absorbing nothing.
Trevor says he doesn’t know how much more he can bite his tongue. He thinks he’s being the measured and reasonable one here. Aw, it’s a little sad – I think Trevor is under the impression that he’s going to be the hero of the show.
I have figured out what’s wrong with Trevor: I believe he was a wooden puppet boy who was brought to life and has no understanding of human ways.
The crew gets ready for a night out. Trevor is dressed as a motor lodge from 1976. He’s drinking already, but he’s not good because he can’t feel it yet. Trevor says he wants an I-V drip and says “This kid is serious.” Ben becomes the first crewmember to directly call Trevor a douche.
The crew goes out! Drinking with the exact same people you work and live with: Always a stellar idea!
The crew toasts and they’re really happy with their fat tip. Kelley lightly hits on Emily – sort of an exploratory mission – and Nico lightly hits on Sierra. Circle of life.
Everyone is keeping it fun but light on the drinking except for – Three guesses! – Trevor, who is pounding Long Island iced teas.
(As a former bartender, I can tell you that Long Island iced teas are the fourth-fastest way to lose the respect of your bar staff. The first three are Jagermeister, Goldschlager, and Rumplemintz.) Trevor is also trying to push the others to drink too much, which they’re too smart to do this early on. Trevor is the drunk guy who won’t leave anyone alone, scolding the others for not drinking enough and not dancing with him.
Would you dance with this man?
He also brought $1,000 out to the bar and keeps announcing that fact. Trevor is real lucky the others didn’t abandon his easily robbed self. Trevor shouts at the bartender that he wants his drink poured stronger and yells “I’ll tip you good!” I stand corrected: that is the fastest way to lose the respect of your bar staff.
Trevor gets mad that other people aren’t partying the same desperate try-hard way he is. Now he wants to go back to the hot tub. No good can come of this. He bitches about people thinking he’s not handling his liquor and says “Don’t make me stare at your boobs anymore” to Sierra. Wow.
Back at the yacht, Trevor goes back to the big word he learned once and tells Kelley he feels undermined. Kelley tries to give Trevor some genuine, firm, real feedback and Trevor just keeps whining.
Young people, if you ever get a job that involves going out with others, one of the best life skills you can learn is PROGRAMMING YOUR DRUNK SELF NOT TO DO THIS. It can be done. Also program your drunk self to drink two pints of water with an aspirin and a B-complex vitamin before you go to bed. You’re welcome. And of course the others can hear all of this. Kelly is trying to get Trevor to put this off until he’s sober, and Trevor is on drunk whiny autopilot. Lauren and Nico, on deck, cannot believe Trevor’s inability to chill.
Oh god oh god everyone is dumb enough to get in the Jacuzzi with more alcohol.
Not entirely dumb, though – Lauren steps away and Nico begs her to come back and not leave him with Kelley and Trevor. It’s a little tense.
Lauren tries to get Kate and Ben to come up to the Jacuzzi and defuse the tension. Hahahahahaha no way in hell.
Trevor, who can’t understand why no one likes him, brings up Nico’s tattoo and then insults it. And then Trevor goes for the “just being honest” line. Nico is ticked and Trevor accuses Nico of being sassy and undermining him. Nico is out, while Kelley tries to stop the Trevorpounding that is two more insults away from coming into being.
Kelley explains to Trevor that this is a perfect example he doesn’t respect anybody. This nugget of wisdom bounces off Trevor’s skull and into the sea. Kelley finally orders Trevor to go to bed and accidentally strikes an oil gusher of Trevor’s male authority figure issues. “My dad’s my dad and you’re not him,” Trevor interviews.
On his way to bed, Trevor hears the others talking about how much they hate him. It’s a pity Bravo didn’t get the rights to “Everybody Hurts” for this moment. Trevor can’t figure out what’s going on with everyone disliking him so much. It would be sad if Trevor hadn’t been apparently spending the evening actively trying for this very result. I would genuinely like to know what effect Trevor thinks he’s having when he’s douching around and insulting people.
Nico shares a tiny cabin with Trevor. Kate wisely suggests a guest cabin. Trevor buttonholes Nico and tries to get him to talk in private. Ben and Kelley immediately jump in to stop it, which is also wise. Kelley orders Trevor to bed and Ben reinforces the idea. But then Kelley seems to catch Trevor going the wrong way in the corridor and has to order him to bed a third time. Trevor says something is going to blow up and they all have to work together, so they have to get to the bottom of what’s going on. Wow.
Next week: Scupper the Dog comes aboard, Ben and Kate argue, and Trevor douches it up. I’ll admit it: They’re editing this well. See you back here.