Last Week: Kelley was horny! We were reminded that Kate is with a woman! Trevor was the worst in so many ways! And also super drunk!
We come back in to the verbal scuffle between calm medium-drunk Ben and amped-up outrageously drunk Trevor. Trevor calls Kate a bitch and Ben a dick. Ben says Trevor is done with that, and tosses Trevor’s drink. Trevor immediately starts yelling “Why did you do that?” Nico says this is bad form in public (OK, he says they “set a bad influence”) and wisely rallies everyone to break this up and leave. They all go to catch a cab. This is the first of many anticlimactic moments we’ll be having on the show, so get a single streamer to throw in the air or something.
The crew gets into an open-air taxi-bus and Drunk Trevor is shouting that Ben’s a douchebag. He cannot absorb the fact that he just avoided a beating and nobody is on his side. There is no Trevor’s side among the crew. There is only We Dislike Trevor and Yes, But Let’s Not Have a Beating, Or at Least Not Right Now. Those are the sides.
Ben laughs about Trevor being a hair model, and what can you expect, and Trevor ricochets and tries to start a fight with Nico.
Trevor, who has to have something actually wrong with him because Jesus Christ, he will not let it go, the calls Kelley a PTSD marine and threatens to punch Nico in the face. The number of fists that are twitching with the desire to meet Trevor’s breadbasket climbs yet higher.
Then Trevor just turns into a complete and utter shitball. He starts yelling that he doesn’t give a fuck about Kelley’s buddies who died in the military, and shouts that if Kelley and his buddies didn’t want to die, they shouldn’t have joined up.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is what happens when we protect most of the population from the consequences of the country being at war. I am honestly impressed that Trevor did not get picked up and slammed against the bus for the next couple of hours. Kelley, exhibiting some pretty massive self-control, tells Trevor that he is not welcome back on the boat right now and he should get a hotel.
I’m impressed with how Kelley handled this. He didn’t take the bait of Trevor insulting his dead friends, and he probably saved Trevor’s precious hair-model bone structure. Because we know that Trevor cannot let things go and thus would not have let things go once he got back to the boat, and Nico, Kelley, and Ben all hate him, and there would have been a fight. For that matter, I hope Trevor right now is hunkered down somewhere safe and out of the public eye for a while. Perhaps rehab.
I the morning, Captain Lee looks for his misplaced radio. Lauren is still drunk. And underrated. Kate tells Lee that he can use Trevor’s radio, because he’s not on the boat. Lee goes into “do tell” mode. Lauren, up on deck and working away, says that Trevor seems like the alcoholics she’s known – completely unable to stop when he’s started. She doesn’t think it’s funny.
Down below, Kate gives Lee the basics, but says it’s probably best if Kelley gives him the full deal. Everyone cleans. Lee calls Kelley in. Kelley calmly reports Trevor’s drunkenness, fighting, and shit-head move on insulting dead Marines. Lee says he wants to hear everyone’s story, which is more than fair, given that he has personally already witnessed Trevor being a douchebag supreme with extra vinegar.
Kate and Sierra talk sexy maca smoothies as Kelley calls Lauren in. She and Nico and Ben are intercut saying that Trevor was drunk, threatening, and aggro. It doesn’t seem like a coordinated story so much as a calm and accurate telling of what we saw. Lauren says the girls were freaked out. Lee says he’ll deal with it.
Ben and Kate are holed up in one of their bunks discussing Trevor. Kate’s all good riddance, but Ben says Trevor should get another chance. Seriously?
That’s crazy, except for the part where we all sort of want him to get another chance so we can witness Trevor being an impossible lunatic again. But Ben has no excuse. He’s a bit of a softie for the screw-ups.
Trevor comes back to the boat. Please note that everyone else has already been working for quite some time. The idea that Trevor screwed up so hard that he was refused entry to the ship the night before and still thinks it’s a good idea to turn up late the next morning is quietly astonishing. And speaks such volumes about the gaps in his interpersonal skills.
To Trevor’s credit, he immediately says that he owes Nico an apology but wants to talk to Captain Lee first. He knows he’s in trouble. Lee asks for Trevor’s side of the story, and Trevor, for real, says it was all fine until they got back on the bus and they figured out he was a hair model. Captain Lee joins us in wrinkling his brow and saying “What?”
And yet Trevor seems to be standing pat with that story. It really is a different world inside his brain. Trevor does seem to be dimly aware that insulting Marines who died in wartime is maybe not a point in his favor. He says he wants to figure this out, still thinking he can save this and maybe be made bosun – WERE YOU AWARE THAT HE HAS BEEN A BOSUN BEFORE – Trevor says that sometimes when he says things they can come off “a bit rash or short.” You think, Trevor? Trevor says he thinks that this is a communication issue, and he’s coming to Lee for guidance.
Lee calls Kelley back in. He says that once is an accident and twice is a pattern and he can’t afford to babysit. Lee, with surprisingly gentle phrasing, says that he doesn’t think this is the right place for Trevor. Instead of “Get the fuck off my boat, you little weaselpeen,” Lee says that this is Trevor’s opportunity to bow out gracefully, apologize, and leave the boat on good terms.
Trevor interviews that this is bullshit that he’s supposed to bow out. Trevor wants to know when the others will be apologizing to him. What possible job could Trevor hold down in this world? Silent Trappist monk? No, he’d still manage to douche it up without words. And then the other monks would strangle him with their little waist ropes.
Trevor does apologize to Kelley and then to Ben. They’re down to three deckhands. Those three deckhands rejoice. Trevor packs for like 19 years and seems to be taking individual paper towels as he does.
He also asks Kate about his laundry. Kate, not unkindly, says she hopes that this will end up being the best thing that ever happened to Trevor. Well, he does need a life shakeup, and this is one. If he had any capacity to absorb lessons, this would indeed be a good thing for him.
As it is, though, this blows for him and for us. We’re like eleven minutes into the show! Trevor will learn nothing and will probably spin that into less than nothing with time, and we the audience get no real resolution. And by “resolution,” I mean “the opportunity to watch the others zip Trevor into a duffel bag and throw him into the sea.”
Everyone is working and feeling happy and light and free. Trevor didn’t say goodbye to Nico and Lauren. Classy. Sierra interviews that Trevor was always friendly to her and that there’s negative energy on the boat. What? Sierra does not read people or situations well.
Nico thinks Emily is both hot and cool as they talk about the giant beach swings from last night.
Nico says that the swings were “legendary,” which doesn’t really seem like a thing beach swings can be, but oh well.
Staff meeting! It’s a group of entrepreneurs. Barf. Look, I’m sure these are (mostly) lovely people, but something about feeling the need to say “I’m an entrepreneur” rubs me the wrong way. It’s like an instant tell that you will be embezzling funds and/or trying to fuck your hostess’s teenage daughter. Or that your “entrepreneurial endeavors” consist of trying to sell poorly refurbished stolen gym shoes to orphans or something. Just say “I’m a businesswoman” or “I sell disruptive bespoke welcome mats on the Internet” or “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing and I’m wretchedly insecure so I’m going to insist on using this word in the mistaken belief that you’ll be impressed even though I’m opening the neighborhood’s fifteenth fucking vape shop with money borrowed from relatives.” While you’re at it, why not go old school and call yourself a social media guru?
The guests of course want a beach party and lots of exploring. One guest eats no meat, no seafood but fish, no gluten, no wheat, and no dairy, and then just when we’ve gotten bored we learn that “all water must have pH above 7.5.” Which means that she’s obsessed with alkalizing her system but is making that the crew’s problem. Zip her into that fucking duffel bag and toss her into the sea. Or demand that she explain literally anything about pH levels or human biology and THEN zip her into that fucking duffel bag and throw her into the sea.
The entrepreneurs also want a twelve-course tasting. On the first night. If you look carefully at Ben at this moment, you can see that he is trying to will himself to implode like the house does at the end of Poltergeist.
The crew talks about the high-maintenance entrepreneurs and want a pre-tip. Heh. Oh, and the guests want all the water toys out. The deckhands are down one, but they agree that not having to deal with Trevor will actually make things less difficult, so OK.
Kate has trouble with the ship’s Wi-Fi as she tries to talk to her girlfriend. This would be a good place for an “Aww,” but we know how this relationship turns out, so it’s more of an “Oh.”
7:30 a.m. The crew gets up after a night of no one getting ‘faced and sloppily insulting his co-workers. They seem chipper.
Sierra starts talking about juicing. It’s what she’s passionate about. Are we surprised? She says that she was trying to make juicing a business (entrepreneur!), but she was broke, so she came to yachting to make money and then she’ll go home and juice.
Didn’t she just say last week that yachting was her fulfilling life path or something? Kate cheerfully suggests that Sierra could make juice for the crew.
The deck team is loving life without Trevor. Ben hates gluten-free anything. Sierra is all about the hippie food and she says she used to be in catering, so she tries to help think up gluten-free menu items. Ben says Sierra and the guest are gluten-free twinsies, and will happily leave them to their corner of taste-free Hell.
Kelley gives out assignments. Nico is to drain and refill the Jacuzzi.
The next time we see Sierra, she has halved about 80,000 oranges, but can’t work the juicer by herself and has Kelley help. She seemed to be implying that she used to make the fancy kind of juices, but it looks like she’s just making orange juice. This is not a challenging recipe.
GUESTIES! Hello, entrepreneurs! Kate gives the gorgeous boat tour. The deckhands struggle with anvil-filled luggage. Kate interviews that these people have a weird vibe. She describes them as D-List Quentin Tarantino characters.
I cannot improve upon that. Well played, Kate.
Kate shows the sundeck where THE JACUZZI IS NOW FULL. REMEMBER THIS.
They’re having trouble launching the boat. It’s gargantuan and Lee describes it as “underpowered.” Wind plus tide apparently makes for some embarrassing departures.
Are you thinking that this batch of guests might be OK? Wrong. They see another yacht that is smaller and make fun of it. One yells out, “You want to borrow some money?” and they all laugh. Jesus Christ. Once they anchor at Jost Van Dyke, the entrepreneurs talk about how they’re passively making more money right now than most people make all year. Not enough duffel bags in the world to zip these people into. Look. it’s great to be rich, so just be rich and enjoy it. If you Trump-gloat in front of the cameras like that, everyone is going to know that you are wretchedly, cripplingly insecure and have never given another human being an orgasm.
The hot tub is now more than full. Water trips merrily down from deck to deck like we’re on a Frank Lloyd Wright boat. Nico goes to straighten the bridge deck aft. He does not notice.
Ben starts prepping lunch as fast as he can because he has the monster 12-course tasting to do.
One of the dudes hits on Emily as she serves his lunch, saying that he’d be into her if his wife died. Some geniuses at Bravo find and cut in this guest’s preference sheet, which shows his full name.
Heh. Dashing move there, Jeremy Schoemaker.
Nico is still singing and tidying and not noticing Jacuzzi Falls. Finally, he sees it. This looks like a huge fuck-up. Bravo has been teasing it with dramatic music since last week and in the interstitials the whole show.
Back at lunch, one of the guests says “Three grand is like sewer money.” Swelegant!
Nico asks Kelley to come to the sun deck. He explains that he thought the hot tub would stop filling automatically. We’ve been set up to expect a flip-out, but Kelley is totally cool with it – the guests are all eating and won’t see it until they have everything dried out. Why are you messing with our heads, show? This was supposed to be our big drama moment.
The guests want to swim, by which they mean break out that chickenshit pool again and also every single toy. Poor deckhands. Lee thinks Kelley can pull off the job with a man down, but time will tell. The deckhands hate the pool so much. They should name it Trevor.
We do not body shame here, but it is noted that one of the guests has more body hair than other guests.
From season previews, we know that this will become a plot point later.
Ben says that a 12-course tasting in a tiny kitchen sucks, and this week I do not blame him one bit for complaining. The guests are essentially pretending that the crew is magic. Speaking of pretending the crew is magic, the deckhands have to watch the guests swim and keep retrieving the floaty pool toys, directed by Captain Lee from an upper deck. Oh, man, do I hope these guests are tipping well.
Ben has to give Carolina, the gluten-free alkaline guest, separate courses for much of his 12-course tasting. So he has to make something closer to an 18-course tasting. Sierra says she’ll be helping. Ben tasks her to give Carolina a lovely salad during the rock block of three courses in a row that Carolina won’t eat. Kate has forebodings.
Sierra is trying to help Ben brainstorm courses for the no-gluten no-shellfish parts, but she does not seem to know what shellfish is. Or just maybe isn’t good at keeping it in mind.. This isn’t good for Ben’s blood pressure. He just wants her to get a bunch of veggies up there.
The team is gearing up hard for an 8:30 dinner. There are 12 things plus Carolina’s other things to make very quickly with not much space. Ben needs an assistant who’s on the ball. He’s got Lauren, ready there with a sharp mind and fast hands. Sierra is also there.
Kate is loving the 12-course because Ben is so focused on getting everything done that dinner actually starts on time. With beetroot and ginger gazpacho!
Nico and Kelley chat outside. They both admit that if they could, they’d get with Emily. And that Sierra makes their craydar go off. Their instincts are correct.
Ben has foie gras ready and Sierra is late with the salad. Like everything is still in packaging.
She says she’ll be done in five seconds. But then she’s a whole course late. And then two courses late. And then three courses. For chrissakes, Sierra, stop cutting beets and just serve the damn thing. It’s a salad whose ingredients have not been announced. No one will question it. Sierra asks Ben if he wants to toss the single-serving salad and Ben could not be looking at her with more bafflement if she had offered to toss his salad. Just bring the plate upstairs!
Sierra is off her game. She’s upset that Ben, who is busy and highly stressed and warned her that he would be busy and highly stressed, isn’t praising her for the salad. She interviews that she needs positivity around her. Here we go.
One of the entrepreneurs is vocal about the fact that he likes this thing where he gets served by pretty women. He says that he wants to set up a thing with 50 people and 50 girls, or maybe 50 men and 100 girls, serving them in every possible way. At the table is the host’s daughter. Elegant table witticism, sir. Kate does masterful work at not hurling on him.
Carolina waits for her salad, little knowing that for this 12-course tasting Sierra is crafting her the biggest, chunkiest salad she can fit into the galley. It looks pretty much like a steakhouse salad bar salad, only nobody got bored making it and just threw some chickpeas on at the end.
The guests say wow when Carolina’s salad arrives, with just the right blend of genuine appreciation and sarcasm. This immediately sends Carolina into Pill Mode. She bitches that people will “stare at her” when she’s eating salad they’re between courses and she’ll stare at them when they have new courses and she doesn’t. Carolina now says she would like to participate in the courses she specifically did not want and eat the things she specifically said she could not eat. Ben e-mails Scupper the dog for advice on starting a murder journal.
It’s nearly 10:00, and they are still serving like course number 5. Do not ask for a 12-course tasting. Ben tells Sierra to sear some tuna and she somehow, just by applying heat, manages to make it into this heartbreaking grey thing, like if a zombie dolphin gave up a patch of its necrotizing flesh. Ben does not care for this aesthetic presentation.
We see a close-up of most of the giant salad getting scraped into the trash. Sorry, Sierra. And also welcome to the service industry! Ben says that the seared tuna is fucked. He’ll just serve raw. Sierra takes a sad moment. Carolina, of course, hates the raw tuna.
The guests are sleepy because they have been eating for hours and there is still so much food to go. YOU ASKED FOR THIS, ENTREPRENEURS. YOU SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR THIS. Maybe look up how long twelve courses takes next time?
Sierra fumbles one of the plates it has to be re-done. The extent of Ben’s ire is saying that it’s OK, it’s an honest mistake. Nevertheless, Sierra decides that she’s still going to go ahead and spiral into Deep Emo.
Up on deck, Carolina says she’s not picky. Someone on the editing crew for this show is a freaking craftsman.
At 10:30, we’re hitting the ninth course, a sorbet. Hey, we’re making good time now! Emily gets released from dinner service and there is a totally gratuitous shot of her changing. I’m taking that cookie back, Bravo editors.
One guest actually gives up and goes to a couch to nap, but the primary guest is still happy, so the food will keep coming. Yikes. This is rich person torturepoker. At 11:30, Kelley heads to bed, but Emily is in the laundry room and Kelley stops to flirt. He says he has thrown some hints at Emily. That is incorrect. He has shot-putted them. He has T-shirt cannoned them. He has caber-tossed them. Emily has noticed, Kelley. We promise.
The guests are all essentially dozing with their faces on the table at midnight as the flourless chocolate cake comes in. Careful what you wish for, entrepreneurs!
Kelley, shirtless, helps Emily fold laundry as Nico watches. Nico gives props to Kelley’s shirtless “cockblocking” game.
Emily, brushing the Hint Confetti off her clothes and out of her hair, interviews that Nico and Kelley are amusing and sweet. Emily goes to bed and Kelley and Nico say the battle is on, but in a friendly way. OK, it’s cool that they’re both into Emily, who is terrific. And it’s cool that they’re agreeing to both pursue her but not be dicks. But it kind of sucks that neither one is acknowledging the existence of Lauren, who is equally cool and also no seared tuna in the looks department. I’m going to try to give the men the benefit of the doubt and assume that they’re worried about working closely with one’s new romance and are not simply chasing after the frilliest unattached girl they see. But I fear that they are acting out a Taylor Swift song.
Speaking of Lauren, she’s been a champ helping out in the kitchen all night. She cheers Ben and he hugs her, the useful kitchen helper. Sierra gets no praise cookie – even though there’s no evidence that she wouldn’t get one in a minute – and starts crying.
Good lord. It’s like Trevor’s departure created a crazy vacuum and Sierra has been sucked in. Or possibly she stepped up and jumped in. We’ve long suspected that she was on the edge.
Ben goes out and is applauded by the guests, who wearily trudge straight to bed. Kate loves it because the guests are exhausted. She wants all marathon tastings, all the time. Sierra sniffles and weeps ostentatiously. Not in her cabin or anything, just out and around. Kate, still being really patient, gives her a genuine pep talk. Ben interviews that he used to get plates thrown at him in cooking school and would like Sierra to toughen up. Could we find a middle ground between tuna appreciation tragedies and flying crockery?
And still Sierra is upset. She’s going way, way, waaaaay beyond what this deserves. Sierra, who was not scolded or reprimanded or yelled at, and just wasn’t praised enough for not doing either of her two tasks well. Sierra is talking about leaving the boat because of the “negative energy.”
Look out, Kate. Storm’s a-coming. A Sierra Storm.
Next time, we get a new, very green deck hand who injures himself immediately and Nico kisses Emily. And no dramatic return of Trevor. Goddammit. He’d better lack enough self-awareness and sense to show up for a reunion special. We need closure.
In the meantime, I’ll see you next week.