Last week: Drunk Trevor was bundled off with disappointing speed, the internet “entrepreneurs” got a wee bit creepy, Lauren was single and flirty with Nico, Kelly and Nico were both after Emily, and Sierra got flustered during meal service and pumped up the cray.
Morning! Sierra juices. Nico tells the other deckhands that Sierra was talking about leaving. Ben says that he was intense during last night’s service because 12 courses is a bitch. Which is big of him to admit, but it was nowhere near the level of rancor that he and Kate have gotten into. Ben is hoping that sleep helped both him and Sierra. Kate asks Ben to compliment Sierra so she doesn’t get discouraged and Ben says sure.
Sierra calls her mom about her sad dinner service. She interviews that she is thick skinned – Compared to what? Amphibians? Onions? Individual molecules? – but that she needs positivity around her. For those of you who missed last week, positivity means “people praising Sierra.”
One of the entrepreneurs gives the others sheets of uncut $2 bills.
What? You brought those down to the Caribbean and then on the boat? OK, fine.
Ben says he should be “more bashful” about delegating cooking duties. He then “comforts” Sierra by looking in on her in the laundry room and saying “You good?” Then he leaves, saying he hopes they don’t have to chat about it.
I think I might have one or two theories about why Ben is single.
Kelley, continuing his less and less savory rivalry with Nico, flirts broadly with Emily, accusing her of eating his fruit at breakfast and nudging her. I get it that the guys are doing this in a friendly way and neither has (yet) done anything wrong, but this has got to be getting to be kind of a pain in the butt for Emily. She’s not sure if she’s into either of them, but she has to deal with them both making increasingly broad plays for her all day long. And she lives with them, so it’s all night too. That has to be exhausting. Cut her a fucking break and just treat her like a person for ten minutes, you know?
Lauren talks about the flirting she has been doing with Nico and says that her crush on him is definitely mutual. Dammit, Bravo.
Kate suggests taking the charter guests to an onshore bar called Foxy’s so the stews can take a dip while they’re gone. This is pretty cool. Kate’s thinking ahead about her staff. She takes her break now so the others can swim together later when the guests are out. She says she has two good stews who are eager and willing to learn, so she’ll be patient and lenient with them.
Nico radios Captain Lee for permission and then leaps into the water with Emily and Sierra. Lauren watches Nico gambol and splash and flirt hard with Emily. Lauren decides not to swim.
The guests return and decide on a push-up contest. No, these are not different guests. Same ones as last week. The loser has to get what they keep calling a “bikini wax,” but we can thank our lucky stars and any deities that happen to be floating nearby that they actually mean a chest wax.
Ben asks Sierra if she’s wearing lavender. She tells him it’s “an old wives’ tale” that if you put lavender oil on your hair, people will respond to you better. Ben think she means the guests, and Sierra gives a smile of the righteous wounded.
There is wax on the yacht, apparently from a previous charter season. Ick. The deckies stand on an upper deck and make fun of the pusher uppers. I hope they’re doing that more discreetly than they seem to be. The final score is… 9 to 5.
That is not a typo. The winner says he’ll get some of his back waxed to be a good sport.
The guests are not making the stews do the waxing, which I’m guessing was negotiated pretty firmly behind the scenes.
Both men are hairy, and the waxing is brutal. After a clean pull on the right side, the woman doing the honors hesitates on the left side, leaving the end on so that she has to do a second pull. It looks excruciating.
Kate says she felt bad for Jeremy…once she was through laughing. Kate is getting adept at delivering lines for the cameras.
Emily says Jeremy deserves a drink after that ordeal and he says he deserves a kiss on the cheek. She gamely gives him one, but ugh. Fucking gross, fellas. If a woman’s job requires her to be nice to you, don’t force intimacy on her. It’s skeevy as all hell. And it won’t gradually build up to an attraction – it just means she has to keep going into the kitchen to retch. Emily is already getting hit on from two different directions from her colleagues. I wonder if she’s going to apply to a nunnery after this just to get a break.
Time for the winner to get his back waxed. He’s the gentleman whose hirsute looks were pointed out last week.
It takes several pulls per strip. Kate carries the wax strips away on a silver tray.
Since the waxees both had Vs stripped off of them, one of the other male guests says “Emily, can I see your V?”
Emily whips out another silver tray, expertly discuses it straight into his windpipe, and then jams her forefinger and middle finger straight up his nostrils and into his brain, screaming “CAN YOU SEE THIS V, ASSHOLE?!?!”
No, of course she doesn’t. She handles it calmly and later says it was demeaning, which is entirely true. How come we didn’t get that guy’s name flashed on screen? We’ll go with Stinkbeard McFuckneck. These assholes better tip well.
At dinner, the guests ask Kate if they’re having another round of the same wine, and she says yes, but they can try a new one next. Stinkbeard McFuckneck leaps in immediately with “I’ll try you too,” which isn’t even clever, let alone welcome or appropriate. Carolina, the extremely fussy eater from last week, redeems herself by saying “That’s not funny,” but it’s not like McFuckneck is going to listen.
Traveling gentlemen, dining out gentlemen, this is some gross, entitled bullshit. This happens everywhere to women in the service industry all day long, and all of them – ALL OF THEM – go back into the kitchen or galley to talk about what a disgusting, pathetic dirtball you are. Hitting on the waitress or the stewardess or the flight attendant or the bartender or the barista is not cute or manly or an expected part of the offered service. It’s just one more goddamn thing she has to put up with. You’re essentially putting yourself on the same level as the toddler that just spat up on the floor, only the toddler genuinely couldn’t help itself.
If you make a habit of hitting on women in the service industry, wear a shock collar until you can wrap your head around the notion that they almost certainly do not want to fuck you. Not even a tiny bit, and not even if you are rich. Make it your default setting. If she wants to get with you, rest assured that she would find a way to let you know. Otherwise make your peace with the fact that if you hit on her, you will be at least the fifteenth dickhead to have done so that day and she will spend the rest of her shift fantasizing about jamming a tactical flashlight into your solar plexus until you die and the ground opens up and your body falls straight down into the earth’s molten core.
“Creepy is creepy,” says Kate, making that point much more succinctly. She can’t wait for these guests to leave. Ben, on the other hand, is happy because dinner was not twelve courses and the guests all liked it. And also no one asked to see his D.
Morning and time to go! Kate unveils the hairy wax strips that she saved. She’s laminating them to give to the guests.
Amazing. Ben tells Kate to present this artwork after the tip.
It’s another tricky docking, and the guy who’s apparently paid to help from the dock isn’t moving very quickly. It’s extra hard because they’re down a man, even though that man was Trevor. Nico, apparently trying to speed things up dockside, jumps off the boat to get in there, which it turns out you really shouldn’t do. Kelley is irked.
The crew lines up to say goodbye to the guests. They give more sheets of uncut $2 bills to Kate for “the guys,” which she accepts with the grace of the puzzled. The primary seems to give a large tip packet. He’d better have.
Kelley talks to Nico about jumping off the boat during docking and tells him not to. Nico, like a sane person, accepts the critique and says it won’t happen again. Somewhere Trevor is rewinding that scene over and over again, trying to figure out what happened there.
With Trevor gone, their tip works out to $2,000 apiece. They earned it. It takes them nearly 45 minutes to make it work out, with the hundos and the singles and the random other bills thrown in.
Nico and Lauren are chatting over breakfast. He says it’s like a brother-sister bond and a great friendship. Dammit, show. Kate says that Nico has friend-zoned Lauren and Lauren may not be aware of that. While we do not believe in The Friend Zone here – there is wanting to be with someone and there is not wanting to be with someone – Kate has astutely figured out who likes whom and whether that is returned. Neither Nico or Lauren has done so yet.
Let’s look at the next guests! The crew describes it as a Brady Bunch situation – Parents who each have two daughters from previous marriages. They want water toys and an all-white dinner party. Let’s hope they mean linens and outfits on that last bit.
We’re also getting a new deckhand! He’s green. And maybe weird. His resume picture is of him staring into the distance while holding an apple. Captain Lee says the labor pool gets pretty small on short notice in the middle of the season. The deckhands discuss the new meat. If he’s green and admits it, they’ll be fine. Kelley says he’s either going to be a knob or he’s not. Once again, Trevor does some frantic rewinding.
Kate has a voicemail from her new girlfriend! She said “love ya!” while signing off! Kate wonders if that just means “love ya,” or if that means “I love you.” She needs to do some processing if it’s the second one. Yes, Kate is in a lesbian relationship, all right.
Ben, standing right there, isn’t thrilled (though he says he is) about Kate talking about maybe being in love. Also he says he hasn’t been in love and maybe isn’t mature enough to be there. (This is one of the problems with working on ships: It allows you to avoid growing up for a long, long time.)
Nico and Lauren are making smoothies together. They’re laughing and she’s flirting even though she says she knows that “don’t screw the crew” is the rule. No time to process! We’re getting ready for another ill-advised alcohol-fueled night out. Nico and Emily are sitting together on the boat to shore, which bums out Lauren and Kelley. Nico says his relationship status is “undefined,” and that he was talking to someone back home.
Lauren can’t stand hearing Nico talk to Emily about how pretty she is, so she turns around and talks to Sierra. She says that if she wanted to be with Nico, she couldn’t because they work so closely together. But there’s a difference between the front of your brain knowing that and the rest of it getting in line.
They’re at another lovely restaurant because apparently Bravo has apparently noticed that these nights out are making the show, so they’re paying for a lot. Lauren is sulky at dinner. Nico can’t get her to talk to him, so he moves to flirt with Emily when Kate stands up. It’s really obvious. Kelley interviews that he’s playing the long game. Yeeeaaah. Lauren countermoves Nico to sit with Ben, who knows what that maneuver is and seems to approve.
Lauren isn’t handling this with the aplomb I’ve come to expect from her. It does seem like the fact that Nico is interested in Emily is hitting her like a ton of bricks all in one day, but she’s not doing much to stiff-upper-lip it. She’s being all quiet and sullen as if she and Nico had an established romantic relationship, which they didn’t. The thing to do here would be to either plead a headache and stay back on the boat, cry, journal, and punch the walls, or to go out with the crew and dance with handsome strangers all night. Instead, she’s being sullen and refusing even to speak to Nico when he asks her direct questions. Nico can’t figure out why Lauren is frosting him, which is also a tad farfetched. Wake up, dude.
Sierra says she’ll lead the way to the next place, calling out “Let’s make bad decisions!” Which is either some fun self-awareness or she was just reading directly from the producers’ beat sheets. Ben can’t stand the cluelessness another second. He pulls Nico aside and says, “she likes you, man!” Poor Ben has to explain basic social skills a lot. At least this time he didn’t have to put a chili pot on Nico’s head and gong it. Nico feels bad. He really doesn’t want to hurt Lauren. Kelley walks with Lauren and tries to jolly her back into having a good time. Nico and Emily dance together – because why let up on a pursuit? – and Kate thinks they’re cute.
Lauren is down on the beach, bummed out because she really sees the full extent of Nico’s flirting? Only now? And did we miss some Nico-Lauren moments? She’s taking this hard.
Nico – at Kelley’s behest – goes down to the beach to try to talk to Lauren. Kelley takes the opportunity to tell Emily, who was definitely getting into the idea of Nico, that Nico has a girlfriend.
That is some dirty pool. Though not entirely untrue – Nico does have that female friend that he has been “talking to,” in his carefully noncommittal phrasing.
I will submit to you that, while they are not dickheads, Nico and Kelley’s behavior toward Emily is on a continuum with McFuckneck and friends. They feel entitled to hit on her as often and as broadly as they want, regardless of her level of comfort. And it seems like she’s just a prize, the shiniest object in the room at this point. A few days ago, I think either Kelley or Nico could have told you what’s cool about Emily; I’m guessing they couldn’t articulate it now. It’s about them competing for and winning her, not about her. And, while it’s nowhere near as bad as what the guests were doing, it’s still kind of entitled and gross.
Anyway, Emily is immediately and firmly out. She has no interest in someone who has a relationship elsewhere. See? That’s a reason why Emily is cool. Guys? Guys?
On the way back, Kate and Emily talk like everyone knows about Lauren. (Another problem with working on boats: Everyone knows everyone’s business immediately and always.) Kate thinks sleep will help.
Back at the ranch, a confused and/or drunk Nico tries to kiss Sierra. She runs to laugh about it to Kate. Nico goes straight to Emily’s room and says he finds her so attractive.
Emily has been getting hit on for like 22 straight hours, and now she is not being left alone in her own room. If there were any justice in the world, she would have a set of flaming nunchakus. Emily says Nico has a girlfriend, so it’s not happening. Nico says he had a girlfriend months ago and Kelley is fucked up. Goodnight, everyone!
And then it’s 8:00 a.m. and supplies are arriving. Nico is asleep. Lauren has done her overnight world adjustment and doesn’t want to see Nico or be uncomfortable. She just wants to work.
Nico tells Kelley he tried making out with everyone. Emily and Sierra, changing the linens, compare notes and find out that he tried to kiss them both. Nico says he doesn’t want to hurt Lauren’s feelings. Kelley says that’s the problem when a girl works right along with you. A girl might pretend to be one of the guys, but is not a bro and “girls catch feelings.”
Can we just agree not even to dig into that? Thanks.
At 9:00 a.m., Kyle arrives an hour late. He has what looks like an ankh on the back of his neck and a very thick my-God-what-IS-that? Manchester accent. He’s almost unintelligible even to Ben. He has worked on the motor yacht Milo and fishing trawlers. Kyle says yachting is better than trawlers because there are women and it’s not deadly. Tough to argue with either point. Kate makes gentle fun of Kyle for his weird posed resume photo. Kyle says what the hell, he had the picture, and it worked.
Nico apologizes to Emily for his actions. Emily is direct and says it sucks that he tried to make out with her and Sierra and made them feel like he was just going after whoever would turn out to be the easiest girl. See, fellas? So many real reasons why Emily is awesome. Kate confirms to Ben that much of the boat has lost respect for Nico.
Kyle has a daughter in London. He says he keeps in close touch with her via Skype. Nico tells Kyle to do some deck work and Lauren ribs him – with a much sharper tone than usual – about being lead deckhand. Nico is weirded out.
Sierra cheerfully tells Lauren that Nico tried to kiss everyone but Lauren last night. Very sensitive and caring, Sierra.
Lauren knows Nico was wasted last night, but can’t believe he tried to kiss both girls. (And also she is angry that he likes someone else.) Nico tries to talk to Lauren to make sure everything is OK with her. He says he was drunk and that he doesn’t want things to change between them. Lauren interviews that it hurts, but you just put things aside and wait for the feelings to dissipate. I hope someone notices how attractive Lauren is soon.
Kyle is ironing, which is weird to Kate, but she says he can go for it. To me, it seems like a good sign of someone who’s ready to pitch in. Kyle was at loose ends, saw something that needed doing, and did it. That’s someone you want on your crew. Kate says that she may let Kyle have the honor of ironing the captain’s pants.
New guesties! It’s a lot of daughters. They all seem sweet. The deckhands teach Kyle the ropes – literally – and Kelley seems very happy with him. Kate says the primary knows he’s always going to be surrounded many drunk women and has made his peace with it. These women do like to drink. Some of them look like they might be taking advantage of the younger drinking age in the Virgin Islands.
Kyle likes Sierra and says she has “the Alaska face.” By which he means cold-weather, Norwegian, and attractive. He also explains that he is a Viking. OK, Kyle. The stews agree that Kyle seems nice, but Emily says she isn’t into beards. Kate is of the opinion that someone on the ship needs to get laid, so Emily should go ahead and take her pick. I think Kate is anticipating a domino effect once Emily makes a move.
Kate starts the guests on lunch and the deckhands start setting up the chickenshit pool and the many water toys. Kyle says he’s never been to the Caribbean and is happy.
Kate says it’s weird that the parents are encouraging their daughters to drink so much. It does seem to be a lot. Kate thinks she needs to start pouring lighter so they’ll actually remember their vacation. Kyle sloshes around in the water setting up the pool and toys… And maybe dislocates his shoulder.
Next week, Kate’s girlfriend shows up, Kelley fails to wash Captain Lee’s windows, Kyle hits on Sierra, and boy damn, can those guests drink. Looks like were dumping them out of a dinghy while over a reef as well. Should be fun!