Justin Bieber needs Justice Beaver. According to a new lawsuit filed against the popstar, by a Michigan man claiming to be Selena Gomez’s father, the Biebs is in a bunch of trouble. Read on for a list of my favorite highlights from the lawsuit.
- Bieber stole $426.78 dollars to pay for an abortion “because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my Canadian bear rug.” Not the bear skin rug! Come on Bieber you are better than that. Also, $500 bucks? You made $60 million last year alone. You should be chillin’ by the fire eatin’ fondue.
- Justin apparently stole the man’s credit card to buy him and Sean “P-Ditty” Combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones. Since when do drug dealers take American Express? Weird. Anyways, I’m pretty sure that is what the kids call swag these days.
- Bieber also used the credit card to buy penis enlargement, which apparently work because he is cheating on the man’s daughter with Ke$ha, Rihanna and Penelope Cruz.
- “Usher Raymond came to my house on the Fourth of July 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring Kate Perry firework song in my ear drums.” I got nothing to add to that sentence. It is the greatest piece of prose since Billy Shakespeare.
- The lawsuit ends “I’m an emotional mess . . . America must boycott Bieber’s music!” Bieber will never stop. The kid has golden pipes for days.
Happy Friday Legal Community . . . at least this guy isn’t your client.