[Editor’s note: yes, we’re getting around to recapping Big Brother in the middle of the season. Sue us.]
We’re a full 71 days into Big Brother (or, as I like to call it, The Black Hole to Which I Sacrifice All My Self-Respect.) Congratulations to everyone who’s still on board: that’s 27 hours of TV viewing none of us will ever recover!
At the end of each week, I’ll be giving a rundown of how all the contestants fared. Let the zings begin!
Least Likely to Have Attracted Any Groupies While on Big Brother: Austin
Austin was HOH this week, so it should have been smooth sailing for him the whole way. Instead, Zingbot blew up the Bearded Wonder’s spot. The newly-single robot revealed to the audience that Austin has a girlfriend back at home, despite the fact that he’s been showmancing Liz all summer. As if his ponytail beard and split-personality weren’t bad enough!
Most Likable Houseguest (Who Might Actually Just Be an Adorable Monkey Masquerading as a Houseguest, Has Anyone Actually Checked?): James
After making a deal with Austin earlier, James was totally safe this week. So, he spent his time in the house acting casual. For James, that means sneaking into rooms when people are sleeping, hiding in their closets, then terrorizing them throughout the night. He’s just a mischievous little imp you just can’t help but love. Big Brother caught up with James’ friends back home this week, and they basically said the same — plus, we got to meet his swimming cat, Gizmo.
Comeback Kid: Johnny Mac
Johnny Mac may have America’s heart, but inside the Big Brother house, he’s pretty alone. It looked like that was changing this week, however, when he and Steve aligned with the Austwins. For a brief moment, hope was rekindled inside us all. But Austin went back on his deal, and the Coolest Dentist in America was sent to Jury. … But wait! This was the week when the first four Jury members (Shelli, Jackie, Becky, and John) competed to rejoin the house, and John pulled out the win.
I Almost Forgot to Include Her in This Article: Meg
Don’t worry, guys. Nothing has changed when it comes to our favorite geriatric houseguest. She didn’t win HOH last week, she didn’t win the POV, and she didn’t win HOH this week. John did tell Julie that he’s gunning for Meg now that he’s back in the house, though, so Grandma’s days may be numbered.
Trombonist With the Most-Est: Steve
The rest of Scamper Squad (Austin, Liz, Julia, and Vanessa) assured Steve that he was just a pawn this week. But that didn’t make him feel any better going up on the block. He and Vanessa got in several big fights — during which she yelled at him for trying to backdoor her, and he mostly looked confused. Probably because she wouldn’t stop yelling at him. But Steve came out on top when his alliance stayed true, and no one in the house voted for him to leave. He also gave one of the most heartfelt, well executed speeches from the Block we’ve heard in several seasons.
Least Likely to Ever Be Offered Voiceover Work: The Twins
Austin was HOH this week, which means that this season’s three-headed monster, a.k.a. Austwins, were in charge. Since Liz and Julia had nothing to fear, they sat around contemplating just how much whine they could put into their speech patterns and still be intelligible human beings. Julia did get to finally play in her first POV competition — which she lost, duh.
Most Likely to Have Been a Cockroach in a Former Life: Vanessa
Of course, there was a plan to backdoor Vanessa this week. And of course, she somehow managed to talk everyone out it. Even now that all the houseguests have caught on to just how good a player she is, and how she’s behind every eviction, she still manages to slip right through their fingers. Like her spirit animal, the noble cockroach, she is impossible to kill. Bravo.
Most Disappointing Houseguest: Zingbot
Zingbot is a beloved Big Brother tradition: he’s a snappy robot with an attitude who comes into the house solely to disrespect the contestants. The world would be a better place if every reality show invested in an insult machine of their own. But this season, Zingbot’s zings weren’t quite up to par. Other than calling out Austin’s infidelity, his other jokes were pretty mild. Come on Zingbot, we want to feel the burn! Maybe next time.