Hey all, Bitter Astrologer, aka “Hallmark sellout” here to tell you what a total disappointment you are in the sack. It’s Not Your Fault you suck at being sexy, because planets.
INYF, Aires. Blah blah selfish. What I will say is this: You are a horrible lay. You can body pierce whatever, treat your partners like human jungle gyms, add in all the goopy froopy sex toys you can find and still, you disappoint. Know why? Because even when you’re humping the 1984 Olympics like Retton, it’s still just about you. If you took two minutes to include your partner(s) in your escapades, they might actually have a little fun. But I bet you stopped reading this to go pout after “You are a horrible lay.”
INYF, Taurus. Sweaty, thrusty 30 seconds, then TV. Then sleep. Sweaty, thrusty 30 seconds, then TV. Then sleep. Sweaty, thrusty 30 seconds, then TV. Then sleep. You know how you can spice it up over our national sellout day of love? Multi-task! TV AND sweaty, thrusty 30 seconds. Taurus mind: destroyed. You’re welcome. (Your lover, not so much. But don’t worry, they’ve mastered doing their grocery list in 30 seconds. Tuning on the TV might even make it interesting for them.)
INYF, Gemini. In your perfect world, the only person you would have sex with is yourself. You spend so much time arguing in your own damn mind, you come with your own inner sexual tension. Will he or won’t he? Just shut up and kiss yourself already. That needling voice in your head is probably the healthiest relationship you’ve ever had.
INYF, Cancer. Just because you make it emotional in your mind doesn’t make it actually mean anything. And your stubborn insistence that every fucking thing is super deep and expressive is really tiresome. In fact, sex with you is kinda like a Lifetime Movie, a sickly sweet beginning with a totally predictable progression to a regretful waste-of-time finish. At least Lifetime has Judith Light.
INYF, Leo. Adore me! Stamp approved on my ass! Promise me eternal loyalty! You are such a NEEDY shit in the bedroom. And to top it off, you’re also bossy and lazy. Congrats on being a total turn off, all the things that make people want to run screaming from the bedroom. Love me! Tell me I’m the best you’ve ever had! Now do all the work while I impersonate a lukewarm baked potato!
INYF, Virgo. Generally frustrated and unhappy, your bedroom is frigid, and it’s all your weird puritanical hang ups at fault. The problem is that you are ashamed and hide your *dirty* when your dirtly is safe for early network television. I really wish you would take 15 minutes to visit a bona fide sex shop to realize that your interests are common and rather simple, but that’s too much to ask. For VD this year: cut a bigger hole in the sheet. Then be very concerned with how unclean you are.
INYF, Libra. You are the Maude Lebowski of the zodiac. When you’re not using sex for payment or trade (how many partners have you had to avoid rent?), sex can be a “natural, zesty enterprise”. But when you’re not using sex to get what you need or want, you’re just not having sex. Fortunately for you, lots of people have things you want or need, so sex is never in short supply. The flip side is the total lack of concern for everyone else, but they’re getting laid, so you earned it, right?
INYF, Scorpio. The sexiest sign of the zodiac (as the astrologers like to say). Oh, they exude sex. They embody sexual desire. WRONG. Scorpios are by far the most sexually disturbed. When it comes to fetish, you own it, invent it, distort it, and break it. The fetish itself isn’t the problem– it’s that the fetish is ONLY for you. You expect your lovers to be pure virgins while you rimshot everything you can. Dirty and cruel, reckless and wrecking. Double-standard dangerous.
INYF, Sagittarius. You would be a fantastic firey love monster– if you didn’t burst out laughing whenever some intercourse rubbing caused skin farts. Or if you developed a sense of wooing that went beyond flicking boogers as flirting. You could be in the throes of passion, and then a simple distraction (someone is texting you? OMG!), and you’ve got a fizzled out pile of never to be finished business. You are the reason the vibrator was invented. Half starts get old very quick.
INYF, Capricorn. Such a desperate little goat head, proving your worth with sexual conquest, or your value through sexual manipulation. Sex is a tool for you. You punish with it as much as you reward. However useful it is, though, it’s just not very enjoyable for you. You would never admit it, because your self-definition as a sexual being serves a purpose, but you would rather be a Ken or Barbie doll, no sex included.
INYF, Aquarius. You are the least sexual sign in the entire circle. Partly because you don’t understand how to be a human being, but mostly you’re really not interested in spending that much time so physically close to another person(s). How boring, right? And it’s not that it’s a time suck per se, but there’s all this talking and communicating and clean up afterwards. You’ve got other things to do, like snot comment on film blogs. Sex is just too much work.
INYF, Pisces. Here is where the most sickening patchouli asshole meditation organic freak comes out. You talk spiritual mumbo jumbo, trying to get your sexual consorts to view intercourse with you as a way of leveling up. It’s useless, though. It doesn’t matter how much they meditate, how much calendula and chamomile you massage– you’re a floppy cold fish in the bedroom.
Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer- email@example.com.