So the first month of the new year comes to a faked orgasm close, folks. How are you doing on your resolutions? Lemme tell you how you’re doing: horrible. You’re doing it all wrong. But, it’s not your fault, the stars want to make you fail.
INYF, Aires. You’ve achieved half of your resolutions already! (And the other half don’t matter, right?) You won! You did it, before everyone else. Now go brag to everyone about how much better you are at resolutions than they are. Better yet, brag that you did them all– who needs truth when you can cheat and win!
INYF, Taurus. So, you ignored all of your resolutions. Changing things up from the status quo? POINTLESS. Everybody else was making resolutions and you got caught up in the herd, but really, change is for everyone else. Just go back to watching reruns of In the Heat of the Night (Carroll O’Connor is such a genius!).
INYF, Gemini. Yeah, we know you could never make up your mind about your resolutions. You kept hemming and hawing over silly specifics and the new year just flew by you. Whatever, you have more stupid shit to not decide anyway. You’ve analyzed your inactivity on this to the point that it doesn’t matter– like you do with everything.
INYF, Cancer. Congrats, you’re still 100% keeping your resolutions! (Okay, so you said no smoking and you’ve smoked a few packs. And you’ve gained thirteen pounds. And skipped working out 5 days last week.) But you’re doing great! Keep telling yourself that– your manipulations work just as well on you as they do on others.
INYF, Leo. We understand you didn’t keep your resolutions–they are so not your style. Really, you only made a resolution to set an example for others. You don’t need to change anything about yourself, but you need to show others that they need to change, right? No tarnish on your crown, nope.
INYF, Virgo. You decided that you haven’t maintained your resolutions exactly, and therefore failed them all. Of everyone here- you’re doing better than most, just not to your sick obsessive standards. You broke your kale based diet by eating a salad with kale and spinach. It’s the goddamned apocalypse. Maybe your next resolution should be to relax your sphincter for two seconds, eh?
INYF, Libra. You’ ve abstracted your resolutions to the point that they can be neither broken or achieved. They’re so damn vague (like you), that a comp lit professor couldn’t unpack them. So congrats on flaking out, yet again. Go out and debate the coffee-ness of coffee with your barista. I’m sure you could make that (not) apply to your resolutions.
INYF, Scorpio. You had to break your resolution. You HAD to. Just because your lover did that reasonable, innocent thing they always do, you’re convinced they were fucking with you and you HAD to check up on them. Giving more space, trusting more– well, how can you expect to keep to that when everyone around you is behaving so normally?
INYF, Sagittarius. Great job in keeping all of your resolutions, horse-face! Nevermind that your resolutions are what you’ve been doing already. Why bother challenging yourself when just living is challenging enough? Go back to playing minesweeper at work– when you’re not calling in sick to drink whiskey and make friendship bracelets.
INYF, Capricorn. The resolutions you made this year are as fake as the leather bound classics on your bookshelf: all appearance. You’re an empty box, and your resolutions just put a finely manicured bow on top of NOTHING. I’m sure you sponsored a child — just long enough for the thank you letter to arrive to post on the fridge and on Facebook. *applause*
INYF, Aquarius. Only a psycho would make resolutions and then rebel against them. You see your own rules as too constrictive and then have to break them. No one is going to tell you what to do, least of all yourself. Here’s your challenge for next year: Resolve to break your resolutions. Try not to go crazy on that one.
INYF, Pisces. I’m just curious why you bothered to even make any resolutions, tuna. The world conspired against you, as usual, to make you fail. Best intentions is your motto, it’s just that everyone else fucked it up for you. Go back to bed and whine the week away, as usual. You’re blameless.
Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer. firstname.lastname@example.org
[Post image via Shutterstock]