INYF your blood pressure is through the roof, you’re 50 pounds overweight, and you’re out of breath waddling from the couch to the bathroom. The beer-quesalupa-cheesecake diet is NOT why you’re a heart attack in waiting, you’re unhealthy because Jupiter! (or Mars, or Moon. Whatever.)
INYF, Aries. One of the things I love most about you is how horribly transparent you are. You’re simply not smart enough to outsmart or manipulate anyone, so you’re left with temper tantrums and outright crazy (both which you excel at). This week, you have cookie crumbs all over your face. Don’t try to tell them you haven’t been in the cookie jar.
INYF, Taurus. You’re an old pair of sweatpants, the kind that are publicly indecent. You’re the ratty recliner scavenged from the alley, smelly but the best for napping in between and during sportsballteam games. This week will be a rare moment where your comfort will delve into patchwork on those sweatpants, Febreeze that chair. Don’t worry, you won’t clean up too much. 12 hours a day sleeping is a necessity, after all.
INYF, Gemini. Self-righteous, all-knowing, overcompensating blabbermouth. If you aren’t the politician, you are certainly their mouthpiece. This week will include your very own megaphone to tout your endless blather. Too bad you’re going to be so busy with your own mumbo jumbo to see that your audience has lost all interest. They’re not tweeting about you, they’re taking quizzes to keep from falling asleep.
INYF, Cancer. If being needy is sexy, you are the belle of the ball. You’re generally a pretty needy individual (You still love me, right? We’re still connected, right?), and this week is no exception. What is the exception is that you will find your own neediness a turn on. Normally you’re ashamed of it, but this week, your “reassure me!” begging will work in the bedroom for all involved.
INYF, Leo. The past couple weeks have been hard on you, I know. You’re not thinking too clearly, your need to prove yourself has failed miserably, and your arguments have turned into stuttering messes of “Shut up, Becky”. Now you’re humiliated because I’ve made a reference you don’t know and you feel left out. That’s your feeling all week long, if you don’t relax a little.
INYF, Virgo. All of your mail will come in the exact same sized envelope. Your fitted sheets will fold into perfect squares. That orange for lunch will peel into 16 equal segments, no seeds, no juice dribbles. If you’ve always wanted to have an orgasm pound rhythmically to Hilary Duff’s “Come Clean,” this week is the time to try.
INYF, Libra. Generally things out of your control are not worth a second glance. Like a Goldsworthy piece—if the wind blows away weeks of your work, *shrug* and move on to something else. However, when the powers that be tell you how to do your job- cue the Libra screw-you-all bomb. Don’t give in to that drive this week. You don’t have to care about the time you’ve put in, but you don’t have to kill it because some jerk is changing the rules.
INYF, Scorpio. I’m seeing the honeymoon phase in full swing right now. Someone devoted, quirky enough to keep you interested but ignorant enough to assure you of their innocence. They find your 50 texts a day cute, and the handsy public crap exciting. Enjoy it while it lasts—you know this is headed to recrimination alley.
INYF, Sagittarius. So you’ve adjusted your philosophy, and you’re probably chugging along, all full of pride at your supreme adulting. You’ve swallowed your medicine and you’re on the path to health, you’ve gathered your bills and are paid up-to-date. Not so fast. Roadblocks ahead: just because you’re Responsible Rhonda on some things doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. Look to the horizon, you’re nowhere near grown-up status.
INYF, Capricorn. Your meeting with the condo board will feature a flawless presentation and your motion will pass with 100% support. On vacation, you will run into an old high school friend (rival) and you will look SO much better than them. Gloaty goat head, you’re going to have one of those weeks that you lie about in your journal—just in case someone reads it—but for once it will actually be true!
INYF, Aquarius. You never know when to shut up or back down, and in your desperate attempt to feel human, you claim familiarity with things you know nothing about, just to keep on being a part of a conversation. This is sad and dangerous, and a good way for you to get caught in your bullshit and lose some friendships. Shut up or be proven the idiot you are this week.
INYF, Pisces. As we embark on your birthday, take a moment to take stock and be gracious. You have a lot of people who worship you (incorrectly). Take a moment to thank those in your life who continue to see you as a martyr for all of the “hard work” you do. Take another moment to thank those in your life who continue to let you masquerade, even though they know you’re peddling snake oil.
Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer. firstname.lastname@example.org