The collection calls will keep coming, not because you haven’t been paying your bills. The universe is calling in debts and making them all your problem.
INYF, Aries. I’m going to say something here, I want you to read it, then hand it to someone else and have them read it. “People crowd around you because being in your presence makes them look better. Your friends value you because of the value you add to them.” I know you feel complimented. Ask the other person if they think so, too.
INYF, Taurus. Back to the grind, the day to day. While this is everyday for most everyone, nowhere is this better said and lived than in the Taurus home. A derailment for you is a vacation. A derailment is a birthday party. In a perfect world, nothing would change, ever. Don’t buy any lottery tickets this week, don’t answer any phone calls. There’s just enough luck this next week to ruin your life.
INYF, Gemini. I would like you to take a moment to review your facebook account, your blog, your twitter posts, your myspace page, and that secret douchey dating account you have that you think no one knows about. If you’re only posting crappy motivations with sunsets, a la douche commercials with extra douchey sayings, you’re doing it wrong. I want to see some mania, some truth. Let the bad twin out to play.
INYF, Cancer. Of all of the signs, I swear that you are the most industrious, self-reliant, and weirdly successful. You could get fired from a burger flipping job, only to get hired as an editor for a magazine the next week. While offering surveys on the corner, you meet someone who gets you a job overseeing a team of forensic scientists. You have the knack– opportunity is going to come knocking soon. Keep your eyes open.
INYF, Leo. The cheez factory bodice ripper novel was written for you. Red roses and heart chocolate boxes, knights in shining armor saving the tempting morsel who fights only to give in breathlessly to fiery passion. While love doesn’t work this way, if you’re not careful, you can lie yourself into thinking it does. Don’t give up on something real for something really stupid.
INYF, Virgo. Every single Virgo has a disgusting habit, from wiping boogers on the mattress to smelling the crotch of your own dirty underwear. And you’re terrified of others finding out. This has nothing to do with embarrassment or shame, it has to do with image. That carefully crafted image you have of yourself would be shattered. Watch out for paparazzi this week.
INYF, Libra. This weekend is yours to screw up. Your friends (you know, those people that wait for your call and you ignore?) are out in spades, all reflecting your energy. You could walk into a room this weekend and actually cause conversations to stop, because people want to see you, not because they hope you don’t come over and ask for yet another loan.
INYF, Scorpio. Scorpios can be manipulative assholes; they can be cruel, power-monger, control freaks. They are the ultimate hypocrites, demanding behaviors of others they cannot display themselves. Fortunately, they’re relatively small-minded and lazy, too, so you end up walking through life as a Wile E. Coyote. You’ll get that roadrunner yet! Just keep at it!
INYF, Sagittarius. Adulting is difficult for everyone. Go read some Walter Benjamin. Spend they day pretending you’re Kafka’s bug (eating garbage is optional). I know you’re feeling the pull to retreat and reject, but now isn’t the time. Pull out your morose philosopher and make him dance. At least it will be entertaining for those around you.
INYF, Capricorn. In order to help someone, you have to actually hear and understand what they need. The goth kid next door doesn’t need more sun. The blue-haired lady, walking alone to the library isn’t lonely. The kid is happy being pale, the lady just loves reading. You know who is lonely and needs more sun? YOU.
INYF, Aquarius. Hey, paranoid android! You spend so much time worrying about being seen as human that you come off sounding like a robot. Stop trying so hard, people prefer you as a flawed, bumbling primate, not the weird formulaic know-it-all you keep forcing on others. Go on, be boring and stupid– the real you.
INYF, Pisces. Of all of the signs, you are most likely to own “ghost hunting” equipment, a medicine bag purchased of some toothless white dude at a gas station, and a rock that “vibrates with your throat chakra to open communication”. What you’re least likely to own: a car, a house, a running refrigerator. Quit asking column A to provide for column B, it doesn’t work that way.
Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer. bitterastrology@gmail.com