Relax, deadlines pass! So you were snorting coke off of an escort’s armpits, no worries! Your excuse is provided by your own bitter astrologer: Dear Billy: Please excuse screw up from his duties, he’s a victim of his birth chart!
INYF, Aries. Models trying to be musicians (ever hear Milla Jovovich’s bongo album?), musicians trying to be actors (cue Henry Rollins in every role ever), actors trying to be saviors (if you can’t think of an example, you live under a rock and don’t read this anyway). Stop working so hard at your stupid unrealistic dreams and just excel at what you’re good at. You look foolish any other way.
INYF, Taurus. Of all the signs, you are most likely to have predetermined your taxes to a level of minute detail– you don’t get a return, you don’t owe anything. If you did get money back, it was meticulously determined when you claimed zero and had an additional $1.78 per paycheck taken out, just enough for you to blow at geek dot com for that stupid watch that glows in the dark while screaming “happy happy” in Japanime.
INYF, Gemini. Contrary to all astrological indications otherwise, you are a stubborn shit with your money. I bet you even have an impotent checking account that earns you interest (.001%) when you maintain a minimum balance. Met with risk, you balk. You are not one for chance when it comes to matters of finance. What you’re doing with your tax return? Savings account. Boring.
INYF, Cancer. You are the breast feeder to the world, supplicating the many losers that surround you. Like a true mom, you see that your needy brethren just haven’t been recognized for the genius that they are. Your friend that can’t seem to find a job is just because he’s a Bartleby, not because he’s lazy. You’re worse than a mom because they at least eventually kick birds out of the nest. You lie to yourself about the fuck-ups you support. They’re not geniuses, they’re using you.
INYF, Leo. Desperate for your starring role, you make deals with the devil (or the corner drug dealer) to give you even two cents of status. The problem is that you trust people (your subjects), expecting that they love you as much as you do. Your sealed envelope has been opened, you have dissension in the ranks, because no one can love you as much as you do.
INYF, Virgo. Squeaky clean, filed, categorized, and every. single. deduction. accounted for. You take penny-pinching to a whole new level. You are an accountant’s wet dream, your receipts are ironed and categorized by date and topic. What’s fun about all of this: there is nothing more sexually motivating than you doing your books. I bet you got off just walking into your tax office.
INYF, Libra. Master of delegation, you don’t need to claim responsibility for any of your earnings this past year. Thank god you have “friends” to handle all of your atypical business on the books. You are the Madoff of the zodiac– it’s totally not your fault. Go buy another Givenchy bag, you deserve it. Better yet, get that same friend that’s handling your paperwork to buy it for you.
INYF, Scorpio. A curious thing about scorpios– you may fuck with every person that you meet, but you are no bullshit when it comes to numbers. You are a lovely conundrum: shit with people, but spot on with every form you have to fill out. April 15 is just another number for you, you know what you’re getting. Tonight is all about messing with heads of folks that are WAY beneath you, after you balance your checkbook.
INYF, Sagittarius. So you got screwed this year on taxes. (Or if you haven’t yet, just wait for the IRS letter.) No worries, you can apply your charisma to the cardboard pencil dick you’re forced to deal with. Except they are your foil: they find your charisma boring and your childlike innocence hilarious. Bring your apologies and your bank account.
INYF, Capricorn. You filed on January 15, and then got a manicure (or facial?). Your teeth are bleached, your eyes augmented to not need glasses. As per usual, you are the model, provided simply for others to see their failures through. You filed early, and you have carte blanche to comment on all of those assholes who are scrambling this weekend. Nevermind that your kids don’t speak to you or that your mother only calls when she needs a lift to her physical therapy, you’re the responsible one and the world needs to know it.
INYF, Aquarius. Of all the signs, you are most likely to have never filed taxes, or if you do file, it’s under some auspicious “objector” role with a fake social security number. I know you are playing the system, keeping the eyes off of you, but really you’re just setting yourself up for a huge apocalypse of bureaucracy. What’s beautiful about this is that you don’t make enough money for anyone to care– and when you get caught, it’s going to be hella trouble over pennies.
INYF, Pisces. HEY! TODAY IS APRIL 15! THE LAST DAY TO FILE YOUR TAXES! HEY! STOP POSTING ON PINTEREST FOR TWO SECONDS– THE DEADLINE IS TODAY! I know that you’re stoned/hungover/high/depressed, but really, JUST GET SOME NUMBERS ON PAPER, OKAY? Or just file an extension– wait– get your mom or boyfriend to do it… . that’s the piscean way. (Note: you lucky piece of rotten fish– D-day isn’t actually until Monday, April 18 due to some DC holiday, so go back to puttering with your miniatures.)
Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer. firstname.lastname@example.org