It has been brought to our attention here at Bitter Empire that the Roll Call is the greatest pageant and trivia session of our time, so ROLL up your sleeves and join us for some good old-fashion live-blogging of the 2016 DNC Roll Call – gavel-in at 3pm EST!
We even have a Roll Call theme song!
In honor of Hillary going over the top, we give you the greatest celebratory vine of all time. Today, we are all this awesome woman.
I’m really excited to talk about the DNC Roll Call. Roll Call is the Olympics Opening Ceremonies for wonky people. I wish there were costumes though.
I spent a lot of time searching for funny images and came up empty. There are a lot of people that used to wear dapper straw hats though.
So much more variety than undeadblogging.
There were people that used to wear dapper straw hats. That should come back
I think political conventions should also have cosplayers. I would love to dress a parrot up as an eagle in a patriotic top hat and walk around with it on my shoulder.
OK, I’m taking the bullet and switching to Fox.
godspeed Ali, godspeed
Fox News is for real just running Neil Cavuto interviewing Ben Carson while trashing the DNC e-mails.
EJ Dione never looks like I think he should (MSNBC-ing)
Wait, Brandi, how do I fund the kickstarter for the parrot eagle thing?
Brandi, do we know for sure who will be gaveling in? I know we’re all praying for it to be her.
I think the patriotic parrot eagle needs to be a Bitter Empire budget item for ’20.
I don’t have to drink every time Fox News runs a Cialis commercial, do I? I want to live.
Bets on which state goes the longest with their book report about the great things in their state?
oh look – it’s tussled, rolled-up sleeves guy on MSNBC who’s usually magic-screening
I’m so glad the Dems didn’t go with the GOP convection oven set design.
Fox News talking about how Trump is so gonna win. This did not burn them at all in 2012.
I saw someone call the DNC set a cheese grater, a very unpatriotic cheese grater
Related: Can I get an eternal loop of Rove flipping out over the 2012 Ohio results?
I’m not seeing the cheese grater.
The DNC set looks like a side-game of Tron to me.
There’s someone on CSPAN questioning whether Trump has lied about anything yet. “I’m not saying I like Trump or anything…but what has he lied about yet.” Everything, girl.
Fox News still doing that thing where they say “the Democrat party” instead of “the Democratic party” like it’s a sick burn.
ali, ask and you shall receive
C-Span has found the nicest man to to talk to
The woman on the floor for Fox News seems to be wearing Michelle Obama’s dress from last night. That’s weird, right?
GAVEL IN ALREADY
Marica Fudge! God, I love that name.
Who decided the Liberty Bell looked enough like a zero to roll with it in the logo?
i can’t get enough of that gif
srsly that Rawlings gif NEVER GONNA GET OLD
It is the best gif
Fudge’s neck jewelry is ON POINT
OLDER BLACK WOMEN ARE MY FAVORITE CONVENTION GO-ERS.
I say this as a younger black lady.
Actually legit into this ADA shoutout.
I am already so resentful that I’m watching Fox. Oh, THAT’S how it works!
Did she just wander away like she’s pulling a Biden or something?
i feel like marcia fudge just sort of wandered off?
“Pulling a Biden” needs to be a thing immediately.
And really – “pulling a Biden” could encompass a multitude of things
maybe she went to get ice cream.
Fox News trying to troll Bernie supporters into disrupting the Roll Call. Because so many of them are watching Fox.
shout out to this Reverend, tho
You can’t see whoever the Reverend is because Fox is STILL trying to troll their nonexistent Bernie viewers.
Did Fox and Friends go full tilt teeth gnashing that DNC dare say the Pledge of Allegiance?
Also super nice time to have this kid Star Bangled Bannering
They Bernie-trolled THROUGH THE PLEDGE. Someone’s getting flogged. Or maybe they wanted to pretend the Dems don’t do that.
Thought for a sec they were going to say Tom Hardy tbh
Fox still trying to start a fight among people who are not watching the network.
Is it too late to nominate Tom Hardy for something? I mean, I’m just saying, I would vote for Tom Hardy for, like, Senator from Florida or something.
Neil Cavuto just asked if Bill Clinton is the man who can “finally pull the party back to the center.” I may need a stress ball.
I would want Tom Hardy to always be riding around strapped to the front of a truck, though.
Are you sure? Because now we’re pretending that Democrats simply don’t care about terror.
I’d vote for Tom Hardy to be anything, really. Especially if he’s holding a puppy.
Ali please stop watching Fox and all their malarkey!
Neil Cavuto actual real question: “Is it a Tragedy? Or is it a depraved outrage?”
Tom Harkin – you sweet wonderful man
Tom Harkin making me tear up a little bit, not gonna lie.
Dammit. I’ll re-post. I have given that book as a gift.
Fox not running Tom Harkin in favor of commercials.
Hip To Be Square? Can we talk about the music here folks
Tom Harkin and Rep. Rick Nolan in a buddy comedy.
WEIRD MUSICAL INTERLUDE TIME: HIP TO BE SQUARE
Brandi – 10/10 would watch
alison grimes is a decade younger than me and what am i doing with my life?
You literally cannot tell that there are speakers happening if you’re watching Fox. They’re claiming that the Democrats are WAY more unruly than last week’s RNC.
“Hip to Be Square” is Tim Kaine’s walk up music. And what he listens to every morning to get hype for another day of reading bills and whatever else he does.
Ali — is ANYONE disrupting today? I haven’t heard a single thing so far.
No but Ali that book
Of course Chelsea named one of her kids Aiden. OF COURSE.
Can you prove that book WON’T work?
Brandi, that’s sacrilege. If the Replacements ‘Let it Be’ is Tim Kaine’s fave album, his walkup music is “I Will Dare”
Look, Brandi, white people have an Aiden quota in the 2000s. It’s the law.
Democratic Senator on Fox just got asked if he wants to make America look like Europe.
If I were a delegate, I’d probably have run on stage by now, shouted “ROLL CALL!” and re-gaveled in. Get to the Big Show, My Fellow Americans!
ali-davis I’ll keep you posted. Maybe that’s what’s keeping me from achieving my full potential like Alison here
brandi-brown why AREN’T you a delegate??
Also if I were the delegate who got to shout, I would make up facts about my state. THE BAKING SODA QUEEN OF THE MID-ATLANTIC!
What are they chanting right now?
According to Fox, it’s Hail Collectivism and Satan.
What if there are Superdelegates at the DNC who are like, “I’m still not sure, lemme see what is said in these nominating speeches.”
really – you had to go with the lei (ley? Leia?) else we wouldn’t know you’re from Hawaii?
BRB falling in love.
tinlizzy she had a volcano hat, but she decided to leave it at home
She probably chose to wear the lei. Classic Hawaii politician move. Amirite, Mr. President?
If Obama wore it, Fox News would call it a “terror wreath.”
“Do real Americans wear Hawaiian things? I do not think so.” Fox, probably
I’m feeling sad for all the “getting lei-d” jokes the delegates must have to endure at both conventions.
ali-davis ok, but they get to go home to freaking HAWAII, so on balance I think they still come out ahead.
See, that’s why i wouldn’t wear it, because you’d be the subject of those jokes.
Fair point, Colin.
Your reminder that Joe Biden is the greatest and will unify anything.
JESUS CHRIST, THE FIVE IS COMING ON. I have to turn off Fox. Also they’re not showing anything lest someone hear liberal thoughts directly instead of interpreted through the Filter of Depravity.
DNC: Who do you want to nominate you?
Bernie: Gimme a union guy straight out of central casting!
DNC: Say no more!
I can never think of The Five again without thinking of that Sam Bee segment on The Daily Show.
It’s the living worst.
yesterday had some union guys whose heads were perfectly square. it was impressive.
This man is like an enthusiastic panda
I hope Bill Clinton’s keynote ends with him promising Hillary Clinton a new cat if she wins the Presidency.
Speaking of Sam Bee.
FREEZE THE FLOOR!
What kind of jacket is Hillary wearing in that pic?? “southwestern lady”
This guy is SO happy to be there.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT FREEZING THE FLOOR IS
OH MY GOD THIS IS THE WOMAN THAT FULL FRONTAL INTERVIEWED
IT’S THAT LADY FROM FULL FRONTAL LAST WEEK!!
That weird reportorial dick-swinging over who has been to more conventions.
It means that if you leave the floor you vote will not be counted and no one who is not eligible to vote is allowed to be on the floor. It basically stabilizes the floor for counting votes.
Dammit, I need to get on C-SPAN.
Oh crap oh crap I switched to CNBC by mistake.
Here’s the youtube of the neverhillary lady on sam bee
God. Finally on C-SPAN. It’s so weird to just see the thing without a bunch of masturbatory punditry.
Props to this near-perfect camouflage.
Hah, you can tell they were like “HEY, HILLFOLKS, EVERY TIME THEY SAY HER NAME, SHOUT LIKE YOUR PANTS ARE ON FIRE.”
I love barbara mikulski and want her to be my grandma sort of
purify yourself in the waters of c-span, Ali!
Mikulski is here to do some nominating and she will not brook any fucking around.
Lemme be the first to move that we suspend the speeches and move to the roll call.
Seriously, if there’s a senator I wouldn’t want to piss off, Mikulski is pretty high on the list.
Hold on, Hillary Clinton is going to do something about mac and cheese? Because I’m really sick and tired of people underseasoning their mac and cheese. No damn excuse.
Isn’t John Lewis next tho? I’m here for John Lewis
She’s the twin of my 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Myers
Fewer speeches, more outfits and state facts!
brandi, white people under-season EVERYTHING
I can’t show any bias. I am neutral. Eyes on the prize and get to the roll call. Unless Michelle Obama has a song or something she’d like to share with us.
Hillary Clinton is for true mac and cheese casseroles.
Snipy, you have not eaten with my mom.
hot dishes, Ali.
the homemade signs done in marker (looking at you, texas) are adorable.
Bill Clinton would have left her if she did not get on the seasoned food train. Even if it was not political expedient.
Fuck yes John Lewis up in here.
I have never eaten hot dish, but I am so fascinated by it.
John Lewis is up and already inspiring. I’m guessing Fox is either interviewing a Satanist for Hillary or has just cut to a test pattern.
I think hot dish is just the bastardized version of some scandahoovian word but is entirely and exactly the same as a casserole.
I just put $5 on a microwavable plate and passed it to my cat as soon as Rep. John Lewis started speaking. Preach, sir. PREACH.
hot dish is…not good
but did your cat kick in tho?
Cat “made change” and now it’s $3.57
(I say this as a proud cat owner.)
Jumping back to hot dishes…We need to talk about the Minnesota Delegation’s Hot Dish competition between speeches.
Hot dish seems to be like British pudding. It is all things and no things.
Did Al beat Michele-with-one-L? I don’t remember
I do love the hand-made signs. Do you take them on the plane with you, or do you make them in your hotel room?
My cat ran away. As she is scared of everything. I’m looking at my cat like…
Damn this lady started DARK.
hot dish is also whatever the shit you have lying around tossed into a baking dish and baked on 375 for an hour
I think “I was born on a dirt floor” could be the new born in a log cabin. She better run for stuff.
spotted: american flag headband on NY delegate
srsly she is FIERCE
I hadn’t seen the “Do the most good” signs yet. That is awesomely Vulcan.
HERE WE GO
“I’m a woman, a PoC, a combat veteran, and I was raised by two gay ladies. LOL EAT IT, GOP.”
Lisa do we have any more Baby Bell Cheese??
“We are the delegates from the great state of Delaware! We too exist!”
it’s Stephanie Rawlings y’all!!
We are ready, Stephanie Rawlings-Blake. MY BODY IS READY FOR ROLL CALL!
Stephanie Rawlings-Blake’s hair is SO GOOD
very new wave dress design happening there
‘bama football shoutout
Alabama, DO NOT LEAD WITH FOOTBALL.
i feel like that was pretty short, alabama
Alabama! Alabama always mentions football first. Don’t you have a bunch of rocket scientists there?!
“Don’t y’all have one more?”
Alaska, you’re a downer
Hello, you crazy Alaska hippies.
Alaska delegation is so baked.
“Don’t y’all have one more” is my favorite non-Michelle convention moment so far.
Alaska has a black woman in a dashiki! Can I get a screenshot of this?
Alaska came with some census-level knowledge.
Samoan delegates are DAPPER.
WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT MARGARET MEAD’S SEMINAL WORK? No one? Just me? Fine.
right? that dude’s suit!
Samoan names are freaking DELIGHTFUL btw.
American Samoa. This is the last time your vote matters in this election. How does it feel?
American Samoa’s hosting a BBQ at their place after this. They’re bragging about their house too much.
Holy shit I LOVE this Samoan guy. Can he announce every event in my life?
Arizona! Craziest state west of the Mississippi!
AGE 102 Y’ALL
WHO IS THAT AMAZING LADY?!
literally yelling and clapping as this 102-year-old lady cast her votes for hillary
Oh shit, a posse cut roll call from Arizona.
Go, 102 year-old lady! You go! I hope that woman from DC does their roll call.
Arizona, you let us have that fantastic old broad for all the political commentary IMMEDIATELY.
THIS LADY IS SO GREAT
I’m literally yelling in delight at this 102 year old bundle of fierce from Arizona!!
Were children’s hospitals ever out of style?
Arkansas, home of Socks the Cat. Arkansas, the place where my grandma has some amazing drinking stories. Arkansas, I almost drowned there when I was five and went down a waterslide. Arkansas!
But also Maya Angelou.
Oldest granddaughter of that Arkansas delegate so happy/embarrassed right now.
Don’t y’all have one more fact, Arkansas?
DO NOT BLOW THIS, CALIFORNIA. NO VAPING.
you better behave, california
I wish California would just sing the theme song to the O.C. instead of saying facts.
i feel like we’re just getting short shrift overall in fun facts
We went with “energy and enthusiasm” for two of our facts?
Who is the person yelling “gaaaah, gaaaah” on the feed?
Colorado, you are too high for this. Slow down.
I love that California guy is going “NAH WE’RE RUNNING THROUGH THIS FAST AS WE DAMN WELL CAN, WE DON’T TRUST YOU ASSHOLES IN THE BACK”
LADY IN TOP HAT, LOWER LEFT
Is Missy Elliott a Colorado delegate? Screenshot investigation, please.
wait you can abstain??
I like Colorado guy, but we’re going to have a hard time topping American Samoa and Arizona.
Missy Elliott gets to be a delegate for as many states as she wants.
I’m mesmerized by the Secretary’s sleeves
Remember how Trump said CT would be in play?
I heard Missy Elliott voted for two zebras and a monkey.
(damn you, DNC leak!)
THERE is the delegation that got “Hip to Be Square” on the playlist.
Connecticut came with pizza and hamburgers as facts. SMDH.
The WASP caucus has some fire facts it would like to share with us.
Connecticut almost won it back with “Obamacayuh.”
so does connecticut think they invented pizza? i’m so confused.
Delaware does not give a fuck.
Delaware! Home of Joe Biden! Home of tax dodging legally! Home of one big tollway! We have nothing else to share with you, here are some numbers!
Nylon, Gore-tex, tax-free shopping… Um, part of the DelMarva peninsula… Uh…
why doesn’t biden get to deliver delaware, hmmmm? never miss an opportunity to biden
Hey guys where is Biden from I have no idea
Be the roll call fact you want your home state to announce, everyone.
Ice cream truck outside. Joe Biden is driving it around.
Biden will be lowered from the ceiling to the sounds of AC/DC after roll call.
I heard that as Vote from A Broad and immediately wondered how to support it.
I was hearing something on public radio today about a prohibition on ice cream truck music in NYC?
lisa Connecticut thinks the only pizza that counts is New Haven pizza. Having had New Haven pizza, I am annoyed to admit that they may be correct.
Democrats Abroad be like, “Uh, we have no specific facts since we’re not a place but how about the name of someone who lives outside the US.”
Larry and Bernie Sanders together is probably the most adorable and amazing dinner fight ever.
God, this is awesome. Yay, Larry!
OK that’s an incredibly sweet moment.
Democrats, A Broad — Fox News caption for this entire week.
Jesus it’s fucking dusty in here.
Go HAM D.C.!
FUCK YES DC REPRESENT
D.C. rightly brings up the taxation without representation thing.
WHERE ARE YOU COLIN
DC using this to demand statehood and i am here for it.
DC! Home of Eleanor Holmes Norton, the most fed up person in Congress! Home of the Virginia McLaurin! Home of most fed up License Plates! You can smoke weed here too!
LOL I love Bowser and Norton. I am HERE FOR THIS.
DC voting rights is the most shameful thing that both parties refuse to talk about.
Keep it together, Florida.
Florida, what bullshit do you have for us!
Bowser became my favorite DC mayor ever the moment she straight up said “lol fuck you” to MD Rep Andy Harris over marijuana decriminalization.
Florida! The state that will be having dinner at 4:45!
Brandi you should totally be the trivia librarian for all states at the DNC
Florida didn’t even try to give us any facts. How you a swing state with no facts?
Props to the tricolor hat in back
Home to Darth Vader!
You better let John Lewis deliver this, Georgia.
Home of “On Fleek!” Home of “The Dab!” Georgia, I should’ve moved there after college. GEORGIA!
JIMMY CARTER SHOUTOUT.
Put the baby on the mic, Georgia!
Like this could go to ANYONE but John Lewis.
Bernie looks like he’s waiting for an attack by Mordor’s army.
Guam, where you at?! Make that one of your facts!
Guam has been ON POINT with coordinated outfits for both conventions.
“Hi, we’re Guam, the place all your grandfathers served at some point during World War 2”
Mention the butterfly sanctuary, Guam!
Guam is bringing it.
Fuck yeah, Guam!
Was that Viva La Guam?
You don’t travel 8,000 miles to fuck around with fashion.
Move to have a Bitter Empire retreat in Guam.
Stephanie Rawlings-Blake is probably so much fun at convention parties. I just wanted to put that out there.
Is that Michael J Fox?
OMG. She totally breaks the dance floor and then has fifteen hilarious conversations.
I’m not sure there’s anyone I’d rather hang out with here more than Stephanie Rawlings-Blake.
Don’t call yourself a Berner, man. C’mon.
SRB would be like, “Don’t y’all have one more drink ticket?”
I get so freaked out when people say “the next president” because I worry they’ll jinx it.
Idaho went with deepest gorge instead of French fries in vending machines.
the bow-tie plus gimme cap look is always a bold sartorial choice
Thank you, Idaho. This is how you do roll call. Idaho got gorges and dams and militias for days up in all of them. And that weird turf football field at Boise State.
“Hi, we’re Idaho, we have a gorge.”
C’mon Illinois – we know your politicos, give us better trivia!
You can’t plug the horseshoe sandwich, Illinois?
Home of RINO Mark Kirk! Home of a Saved By The Bell Pop Up! Home of so much segregation, really, it’s impressive. Good lord, Chicago. Illinois!
i love this woman
Relatives and close family friends casting votes is really the best part. That must be such an awesome feeling.
See, I want THIS lady to be my grandma.
that woman probably isn’t as old as my mom
Indiana! The state that is totally not resentful of Illinois, so WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT…
c’mon tho Indiana – I already think you’re grim boring AF, why you no give me some factoids?
indiana going full on poetry
OK, we can criticize them for no factoids, but this is Indiana. There is nothing interesting about Indiana.
Indiana gotta apologize for Pence though.
Indiana! Bobby Knight threw chairs here! Indiana…80 miles per hour on I-90 because we know you don’t want to be here and it smells. INDIANA!
“You’re fired.” Good job, Indiana.
Indiana delegate: Should I go with the orange? Yeah, definitely the orange.
Indiana! We’re not going to mention Gary, OK?
I honestly didn’t even know they were running Evan Bayh again.
Indiana has “You’re Fired” signs!
Iowa! You have Des Moines – the Paris of the Midwest!
Iowa’s roll call woman’s favorite movie is “Election.” Definitely. Will bet money on it.
Can never even hear “Indiana” without thinking of this terrible song.
Iowa! Home of the most cattle to gain sentience and go on a rampage! Location of the first Plains Bigfoot spotting! Makers of tasty wholesome pies!
I’m impressed that Iowa didn’t shout out their sports teams out of the gate.
Iowa, home of the coin flip fiasco that led to someone in the MN delegation insisting that coin flips can be biased.
I respect Iowa’s choice to go: “WE’RE ALL ABOUT THE WIMMINZ”
So many other countries think it’s adorable that we’re just now MAYBE going to get a female leader.
Kansas, I don’t think you should have a bigger sunflower pendant than the person who is speaking.
Also, Kansas, home of Topeka where every black person is related to me apparently.
My mom is from Topeka. Brandi, you and I may have that town covered.
Wonder if she’s from Wichita
Is that zombie Charles Nelson Riley?
I think Kansas got through that whole thing without mentioning The Wizard of Oz.
Kentucky delegation proudly hammered on bourbon.
“the most exciting two minutes in sports” makes me laugh EVERY time.
Kentucky! Mitch McConnell looks like a turtle.
Louisiana is LIT UP
Louisiana delegation looking exactly as I had hoped.
Louisiana is HAPPY
PUT THE LADY IN BLUE ON THE MIC, LOUISIANA!
c-a-pinkham So close to “The most exciting two minutes you’ll ever have in bed.”
Louisiana has a band with them RIGHT NOW.
Louisiana’s roll call is also an ad for their after party, which is going to be LIIIIIIIIIIT!
“Did we do that? Did we do that?”
brb – going post haste to go hang with the Louisiana contingent.
Following Louisiana with Maine is really bringing me down.
Everyone is going to try to get into the Louisiana after party. Except Connecticut.
Love it that Maine mentioned how scary they are.
Maine: You want to be eaten by a bear and buy some boots, 24/7?
I love the delay on cutting the states’ mics
Get a Bawlmer accent in there, Maryland.
LOL he flubbed “Mikulski”
Maryland! We have restaurants with docks straight out the back where crab boats pull up! Why are we mentioning anything else?
The fuck, Elijah
“Maryland: we’re shaped weird as shit.”
Why is Rachel Maddow not photobombing the MA delegation?
I feel like Maryland was really dedicated to Maryland Facts tho
Massachusetts! The state that unites you against our sports fans no matter where you are from!
Massachusetts! Home of trash driving and the Williamstown Theater Festival! That’s about it. I have no other facts for you about Massachusetts.
someone shout at him to say “park the car in Harvard yard”
Michigan delegation! Everyone point to where you live on your hand!
I can’t believe the MA delegation started throwing stuff at the NY delegation and then Philly’s delegates booed Bill Clinton dressed up like Santa.
That was like zero Michigan facts.
I was in Massachusetts during the Big Dig and driving thru that construction was the singular most terrifying road experience of my life
brandi-brown you’re like the Kee Malesky of state facts! http://www.npr.org/2010/10/23/130729448/all-facts-considered-by-nprs-longtime-librarian
MINNESOTA! She said our name!
IT IS A KLO
GET AL FRANKEN OUT FROM BEHIND THAT POLE.
a-klo just called herself “the senator.” al gonna cut her later
Wait do we like A-Klo now?
Why are they not all dressed like Prince?
NO WE DO NOT COLIN
I am Amy Klobuchar, I love to shout and I pretend I was the one who asked them to TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!
srsly – goddamn crime that the entire contingent isn’t Prince purple all up in there
HHH shoutout, as there should be
“We’re Minnesota, the state Al Franken should really be talking about right now, wtf”
That dapper gentleman behind Ellison is showing him up on threads a little bit.
do you think a-klo always shouts full sentences that way? HELLO AND I AM HERE FOR DINNER IN YOUR GREAT HOUSE.
lisa I hope so
Mississippi, the state that it is objectively the most fun to spell!
Keith Ellison! We hung out at the DFL Convention!
Mississippi in 1964 was pretty damn awesome. Also, Eleanor Holmes Norton was there!
I also like how Mississippi was like, “We could list so much more music, just want to put that out there.”
I really want the Missouri delegation to be like “ST. LOUIS INVENTED EVERYTHING, YOU GUYS STOLE IT FROM US“
Used to [ethnically-insensitive]-jump-rope to spelling of M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I
Missouri making it very clear that the Royals are theirs.
see that montana dude has a hat. why not more hats like that?
Montana delegate has some SOLID giant hat game.
WE DEMAND MORE HATS
Brandi that pic is boss
i got all excited that woman was wearing a US flag jacket, but i think it is just a shawl
Jeannette Rankin shout out!
Big Hat man from Big Sky country also has suspenders and a bow tie. He knows how to commit.
but it’s a shawl with DONKEYS
God, I hope Wyoming has a delegate dressed up like a smug bison doing their roll call.
Oh, God, Nebraska. Just as boring in speech as you are on a road trip.
Nebraska, you’re the Tim Kaine of this roll call. Even CT energized me more than this.
“Nebraska is an amazing state. Why are you all asleep.”
Nebraska: the place you hope you’re lucky enough to be in the passenger seat snoozing thru
Nebraska, the Great State that Does Not Care for Commotion.
“The most diverse delegation in Nebraska history — we have a black guy now — casts votes for”
Nevada! Can your delegation keep their shit together? Nevada!
Nevada here to correct the record on what their capital is.
brandi-brown I kind of hope Wyoming JUST has a dude in a buffalo costume who just stares back implacably when they ask him who they’re voting for.
Nevada! Home of Harry Reid, who once tried to choke out LaToya Jackson’s ex husband! Nevada!
Oh, New Hampshire
New Hampshire: Everyone is in our State House. If you stay overnight, you can be in it too!
New Jersey! Everyone in our delegation has had their driveway shoveled by Corey Booker!
Home of the Garden State? Like you’re a state within a state?
home of the garden state? aren’t you actually just the garden state?
What did that man just say about Senators?
New Jersey: “Look we’re really sorry our governor is a Snorlax”
No, they are the home of THE first DVD of Garden State ever released.
…the only state with two great senators? Uh. Kick down, New Jersey, you smell like assholes, you don’t want to get into this fight.
Later-in-the-alphabet states, it’s not too late to do a quick run-through of your speech.
1. Best Flag.
2. The lady in the trucker hat.
3. Home of Gabe aka Widestance on Twitter!
New Mexico shout-out to the Code Talkers. Well played.
orly – woo Widestance!
New Mexico came with some trivia. Good job, New Mexico. They should go first from now on.
“shoutout to that television show about meth!”
shout out to the red sequin hat
Dammit there was an awesome spangled hat that was almost entirely blocked by news cameras.
Big ups to our fucked up healthcare system without it, Breaking Bad would not be possible.
ali-davis IKNOWRIGHT THAT HAT
New York! The state that STILL has the most albino subterranean alligators!
New York! We are the home of the best videos of mascots brawling in Times Square!
This guy hates the chanting so much.
Why the hell is anyone proud of Charlie Rangel?
How are you clapping off-beat during a “Hillary!” chant? HOW, NEW YORK?!
brandi-brown bc white people.
Put your arm down, Chuck Schumer. You don’t smell that good.
I really thought that was Lindsey Graham with the NC delegation for a second. I know that makes no sense.
I would really like to see a DNC Best Barbecue showdown.
North Carolina, former home of the NBA All-Star Game. North Carolina, we really need your help on the ground. Oh God, help us, please. North Carolina!
North Dakota! You ignored and mocked us for years BUT WE HAVE OIL NOW, FUCKERS!
North Dakota! On the way to Winnipeg!
Oh my god, she’s 12
North Dakota! It’s where all the good strippers moved since the oil boom!
Northern Mariana Islands giving Guam a run for its money.
The island territories do not mess around with their fashion. Guam just lost this contest. Northern Mariana Islands won it.
Pretty sure Hunter S. Thompson is in the back of that delegation.
So can we have real talk about just statehood-ing all of these territories we’ve collected like Pokemon
Northern Mariana is the new kid in town – they gotta step up
Ohio! We’ve set our river on fire the most times!
I CHOOSE YOU, NORTHERN MARIANACHU!
“Ohio — we don’t suck as hard as everyone thinks, we promise!”
DO YOU SEE HUNTER THOMPSON HIDING RIGHT THERE IN THE NORTHERN MARIANA DELEGATION?!
Ohio! We have too many troopers on our highways. It doesn’t make sense at all, we know. Anyway, we’re just happy to get away from Cleveland after last week. OHIO!
THIS ADORABLE SWEET GAY MAN
Honest to god yelped and started applauding when Obergefell started talking.
Clinton delegates hit my grad year – wooo!
Oklahoma, we don’t matter. We pass.
GodDAMMIT, Oklahoma, could you not have put on some hats?
It’s an elderly woman showdown!
Was honestly hoping we’d just skip Oklahoma.
Every delegation should have the eldest woman in the delegation speak at some point.
I can only hope someday I’m half as fierce a little old lady as all these rad little old ladies!!
Old Black Man!
OK, I love this old dude. His hat/glasses game is on point.
This man is DAPPER.
wait was there just a mic fight
Little old ladies have seen some shit. If you push them, they will either fuck you up head-on or they will wait until they can poison your tea.
Adorable Power Roll Call Power Rankings:
Oregon hits geography, then sports. Adequate.
Dammit, states, I want to hear about how you have the largest bottle-cap reserves in the nation.
Come on, Keystoners.
Pennsylvania: “We’re secretly the most racist state, but hey, whatevs!”
To be fair, Tom Wolfe looks like an accountant but he’s actually pretty great
I spent my formative years in central Pennsylvania. If you have ever dreamed of eating an entirely beige meal, you will find your heaven there.
I never understood what people meant when they claimed not to be energized enough to vote until Nebraska and Pennsylvania did roll call.
How long until the first Hamilton reference from PR
I don’t know — Illinois gives PA a run for its secret racism money.
ali-davis – right? Give me your biggest balls of twine and Spam Museums, your giant paperclip sculptures and original Ruby Slippers that have been stolen!
tinlizzy That’s all I ask for.
Tim Kaine runs up the Puerto Rico delegation:
California, be nice and stop making “that’s adorable” faces at Rhode Island.
PUT LINCOLN CHAFEE ON THE MIC!
Rhode Island: why are we still even a state tho but really I think Microsoft’s campus is larger
Rhode Island! We have been seated in the obstructed view section at this convention!
“Y’all still a state?” – Stephanie Rawlings-Blake to Rhode Island
Rhode Island: “PLEASE COME VISIT US, PLEASE, WE NEED YOUR TOURISM MONEY”
Holy shit. South Carolina just got real.
I think she’s about to clear the threshold on SC, too.
ADORABLE OLD GUY ALERT
Peace and love, SC.
That old dude is def top 5 in adorability
Bill Clinton grabs the mic
wait south dakota puts her over??
South Dakota: Home of the Corn Palace!
3 short. SD has like 3 votes.
South Dakota went DEEP for trivia.
I can’t stop staring at the South Dakota delegate’s eyes. I can’t.
PASS AND LET VERMONT PUT HER OVER THE TOP!
i kinda don’t get why that didn’t happen?
Texas will never pass it.
It did happen. Tiny alert on the screen.
<tiny script>clinton officially nom’ed</tiny script>
I’m going to go ahead and declare Larry Sanders and the Louisiana Delegate in Blue the co-MVPs unless Wyoming has an actual bison in their delegation.
c-span is not into dramatic coverage.
Oh, look at how adorably clean-cut the Utah delegate is.
wait what how is your snow better than ours sir
I would like to see Utah and Nebraska have a boring-off.
Tim Duncan and Hamilton.
YES SIR YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT
AND ALSO ADORABLE
Strong contender for most adorable.
Virginia! Sorry our governor couldn’t be on the mic but he’s busy making sure thousands of people can vote one-by-one.
Less “home to,” more trivia.
The great state of Washington would like to assert that we are STILL COOLER THAN OREGON.
Seriously, I always thought McAuliffe was kind of skeezy, but holy crap, “I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE 200,000 PEOPLE CAN VOTE” is badass as hell.
I think funding should depend on how well you do with fact-sharing during roll call.
Ha! “We did it! Good job everybody!”
West Virginia: driving on their backroads was pretty and scary.
West Virginia was not screwing around.
Wisconsin: At least we’re not Kansas…yet.
Wisconsin, you give us some cheese trivia or get the hell out of here.
Wisconsin, going with the old reliable beer, brats, cheese, football.
If it ain’t broke…
…the Packers are America’s Team now?
Let’s order food like this. “Madam waitress, the proud customer Matthew, caretaker two incredibly cute cats, will have the pasta special.”
— Matthew Foster (@OhWettestFarm) July 26, 2016
Whoa. I did not expect Wyoming to turn out in Black Lives Matter T-shirts. Well done.
WYOMING DID BETTER THAN THEIR LOGO. WYOMING IS WEARING BLACK LIVES MATTER SHIRTS.
HOLY SHIT WYOMING
WYOMING WITH THE CURVEBALL
Fuck yes, Wyoming!
I hope the Vermont lesbian and the West Virginia lesbian get together.
Fun fact for those who don’t know: the reason Wyoming was the first state to grant women’s suffrage was bc they were the primary landowners in the state; mainly widows whose landowning husbands had died (to, I don’t know, moose attacks)
c-a-pinkham aren’t you supposed to be writing me a state by state column???
Coming Soon (TM)
This is a nice move, right here.
srsly – hugs to you Bernie, all the hugs to you
Yeah Bernie! Yeah Larry! Yeah we have a nominee!
Bernie just won the Old Guy category.
Hell of a time for my feed to refuse to work.
No, YOU’RE tearing up.
that was lovely and there’s something in my eye
OK, but srsly that party in Louisiana’s suite is going to be AMAZING.
I can’t embed my favorite vine in this live chat. HALP! HALP!
I WAS JUST GOING TO YELL AT YOU TO PUT THAT VINE IN BRANDI!!!
it’s bullshit that we can’t have that vine.
need a new political revolution to allow vines in liveblogs
WAIT: brandi – gimme the vine embed
Okay, it’s been fun. I have to go write some sketches for our show “Obama Out” at Brave New Workshop on Saturday. Yes, yes, I just did a shameless plug. Absolutely no shame. None.
Thank you everybody for the best liveblog ever. See you all in 2024.
I’m going to go look up state trivia for all the states that refused to give any up.