London . . . how do you not have a Freddy Mercury hologram? John Lennon was a nice touch but can somebody get Posh Spice a sandwich. She looked like a marathon race walker — and not in a good way. The United States destroyed the competition in the medal count.
Now back to only caring about what happens in the United States. Mitt Romney announced his V.P. is Gabe from The Office. Considering Joe Biden is basically Michael Scott it evens out. Boom Roasted.
A South Carolina woman slapped and tried to bite police while they were trying to get her medical attention after she used meth and huffed gasoline. Tracey McSwain Smith responded by claiming to be the Karate Kid and going for a crane kick. Smith was subsequently Tasered twice and arrested.
Sweep the leg 5-0. Seriously put her in a body bag. Nobody — and I mean nobody — disgraces Daniel Larusso by claiming you are the Karate Kid. Bee-yotch Mr. Miyagi didn’t teach you to wax on and wax off. Maybe if you spent more time catching flies with chopsticks and less time using meth and huffing gasoline you wouldn’t be facing assault and battery charges.
Rock Island, Illinois police found Chad William Forber walking down the street naked and covered in Crisco. Forber, 41, had lathered himself up with the cooking grease and was holding the can under his arm when apprehended. “He said he was looking for a place to party,” police stated.
Seriously, forget about 9 dollar beer night. I’m going to lube myself up with some PAM and have myself a Sunday Funday like you read about. Chad William Forber wants a place to party and I can’t blame him. Ain’t no party like a Crisco party ‘cause a Crisco party don’t stop . . . until you are arrested for a pocket full of meth . . . then it stops.
A 46-year old Farmington, Michigan man has been jailed on charges after apparently faking his own drowning. Wait. What? The man and his girlfriend were swimming at a gravel pit when they had an argument. The man went into the water and threatened to drown himself. After going underwater and never resurfacing the woman called 911. After a brief search the man was found in the water, conscious and alert.
Who determines if the drowning is “fake?” Sure this guy was probably just trying to get his Wendy Peppercorn action on from the gravel pit lifeguard but still has this fictitious “drowning is fake decider” person ever been in a fight with a girlfriend? That urge to drown yourself during a fight sure as hell isn’t fake. Any argument with your girlfriend will make you want to play Marco Polo with the light at the end of the tunnel. Walk into the deep end while the girl blabbers on about her ex being able to do sweet cannonballs with huge splashes. All in an attempt to get under your skin for no reason. Whatever toots. Marrrcccooo.
P.S. People swim in a gravel pit? That’s a real thing? The more you know.