Bitter News, 4-23-09

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Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that are as Zen as an 83-year-old yoga teacher:

Rankings, calculations, methodology, tips and madness.  The picture on the U.S. News homepage of a professorial man and his bookish harem reveling in the mayhem of the results tells it best—the top 10, in a very particular order, are:

1. Yale

2. Harvard

3. Stanford

4. Columbia

5. NYU

6. Berkeley and U. of Chicago

8. Penn

9. Michigan

10. Duke, Northwestern and UVA

But don’t freak out, law students-to-be, the legal community may be salivating all over an overwrought breakdown of every imaginable factor in an effort to mastermind an ultimate JD hierarchy, but take it from Wu, it’s nowhere near as exclusive as you may think.  That’s the truth, and that’s a lie. 

[U.S. News and World Report]

Since when did BigLaw become a refuge for the well-educated-yet-aimless masses?  Ex-Bitter has been fielding advice requests from several next-best-thing degree collectors with everything but a J-O-B.  And University of Chicago Law alum Lauren Elliotte flunked out of med school before matriculating through to a successful legal career.  Until the day her house of cards and den of lies got blown up.  Always remember that transcripts, CVs and iPods are the windows to the soul.  []

What’s 110 degrees, bubbly, law related and gender ambiguous?  “Lawyer seeks Hot Tub Companion.” Congratulations, San Francisco.  []

You know how people genuinely try to convince you that they don’t see people’s color?  Well, they must have never worked in HR.  SCOTUS is playing party lines in considering a case on race being a decision-making factor in hiring situations, which Robert’s has wanted to end since becoming Chief.  [Lawyers USA]

You know what well-employed race just saved Sacha Baron Cohen AKA Ali G.’s ass?  Indians.  In India.  Get it yet?  You’ve just been outsourced.  [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

You should be using the recession to get yourself laid.  Example: Learn to transfer your fear into an erection.  Or go online to cheaply find love.  Or, on second thought, maybe scrap the online love finding for a bit.  []

Well, it’s not as sad-yet-cool as being, say, the Lord of Monopoly, but you’ll definitely want to be the champ of the newest game Parker Brothers is kicking themselves for not developing.  It’s the cut-yourself-off-at-the-knees role-playing game FutureFirm. Call for reductions in associate salary!  Jigger partner compensation!  Lower leverage!  Offer alternative fee structures and mandate relationship managers!  EA must be toiling away on a Sims-like Wii version as we speak.  ”Marshall Skadden’s Untimate FutureFirm Challenge” is going to be so dope.  [Corcoran’s Business of Law Blog]

The uncomely Scottish sensation Susan Boyle may have warmed our hearts and have lawyers selfishly correlating low expectations to courtroom success, but when she’s exposed for blowin’ smoke just like everyone else who seems too good to be true, it’s reassuring to know it’s all still a big game of smoke and mirrors and false impressions at the end of the day.  [New York Personal Injury Law Blog]

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