Bitter News, 5-18-09

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“Good type” headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that are like Somali pirate Robin Hood, Ahmed Yusuf:

• Regina Criswell, a “high-profile” San Antonio defense attorney, was arrested Thursday after courthouse officials allegedly found a bag of marijuana and a chrome pipe in her purse.  Which, of course, she swears she was just holding for an after-school special bad-influence friend client. “Criswell declined to comment, but referred questions to her attorney, Paul Goeke, who couldn’t be reached Friday afternoon despite repeated attempts.” Probably because it was already 4:20.  []

• Speaking of the chronic, what drugs are BigLaw managing partners smokin’?  PEP down 30% is crack cocaine conditions.  [In Search of Perfect Client Service]

• Handsomely paid to not be a nebbish-y spokesperson.  Woody Allen reached a $5 million settlement with American Apparel and founder Dov Charney, who seemed to enjoy the legal brush with Allen.  It might be the most effective $5 million American Apparel has spent on non-traditional advertising in some time. Unisex deep v-neck pocket tee, anyone?  [New York Daily News]

• Comments on internet privacy and the loss of “practical obscurity” have a “teaching moment.” For Justice Scalia.  Which leaves you dying in wonder: What are Antonin’s fave foods?  Supreme pizza, perhaps??  [The New York Times]

• Living in proximity to great law schools does NOT have an osmosis effect.  Take it from Michelle Obama.  [Chicago Sun-Times]

• New Jersey courts, get out your chalkboards—it’s time for Trump Math.  It’s the world’s most expensive, most highly valued math in the world.  Because it bears Trump’s brand name—“You’re fired!” Mr. Trump’s defamation case against Timothy O’Brien, author of the book TrumpNation: The Art of Being the Donald that claimed the Donald’s worth is only between a paltry $150-$250 million, will be heard today in a Camden, NJ court.  Trump insists that he’s worth billions—$4 to $6 billion, to be exact.  What methodology of concrete values in determining his own worth did he reveal under oath?  “Mental projections,” fluctuation, exaggeration, inflating the value of things, “30% is equated to 50%,” and intimidation by suing the shit out of any “real loser” who suggests otherwise.  Not to mention, paying rent can be profitable.  And Joan Rivers is now on staff.  Cha-ching, cha-ching.  My hero.  [Wall Street Journal]

• Having your education debt mount while letting your “legal skills” dull for a year waiting during a recession for a job that may never materialize is stressing out a lot of law school graduates who were planning to trade their caps and gowns for white shoes and ulcers.  All the more reason to go on a shopping spree[]

• How a blond walked away with $490 from a relentless, annoying, you-totally-know-this-guy, loser lawyer.  [Bits & Pieces]

• This is not a John Grisham political thriller.  The most macabre version of 15 minutes of fame has hit YouTube, viral style.  A Guatemalan lawyer talks to a camera on Friday saying if you’re watching the video, he’s been murdered under authority of the government’s president and first lady.  Sadly his prediction came to fruition on Sunday.  This is suspected to have stem from an April murder of one of the lawyer’s clients, to which the lawyer stated that he had documents linking the client’s murder to the first family.  And we’re bitching about pay freezes?  Really?  []

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