Bitter News, 6-5-09

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom, repeatedly written and posted over a dead body—how sickening:

• That four to five serving of crunchberries you’ve been gobbling each morning?  Not satisfying the fruits and vegetables requirement on the food pyramid you were hoping. Oh, wait, you’re not a litigious dolt and already knew that?  Well, “on May 21, a judge of the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California dismissed a complaint filed by a woman who said she had purchased ‘Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries’ because she believed ‘crunchberries’ were real fruit.” And while he was at it, the judge made sure it was clear that Fruit Loops aren’t produce either.  But, the silver lining is that God announced that raspberries will now be “even more berrilicious.” Soon raspberries will be bursting with so much outrageous fruity flavor, you’ll want to call them ‘razzle-dazzleberries.’ “Slam that great fruity taste in your face,” God urged. [Lowering the Bar]

• Want to cut off your wife’s air supply?  Do it in Queensland. American David “Gabe” Watson will only serve one year in an Australian prison for being a bad “dive buddy”/subpar husband by sinking his wife of 11 days to the bottom of the ocean during a drive excursion on their honeymoon.  Maybe American courts aren’t so bad after all.  [The Washington Post]

• They call him Bruno.  They call him Borat.  They call him Ali G.  Always the same.  That’s not his name. That’s not his name.  That’s not his name.  That’s not his name. The riot they call Mary-Jo Lisa Sacha Baron Cohen is a lawsuit magnet, and given that he put a woman in a wheelchair at a charity bingo while shooting his new movie, he’ll be keeping legal teams in action for some time to come.  [WSJ Law Blog]

• Clifford Chace(s) are that they’ll lose their status as the “world’s largest law firm by revenue” because the globe sucks right now.  Skadden is on deck to take over the title. CC has dismissed about 130 salaried lawyers and 115 staff since 2007.  Which means they need 10 tips to keep their staff happy in a recession.  Nothing a casual Friday can’t solve.  [Bloomberg]

• Look at all those Chinese people taking their communist frowns and turning them upside down.  The new spirit of democracy (catch it!) is growing a middle class that by 2025 is expected to be a cozy 520 million-person family.  And a lot of them are becoming lawyers. “In 2004, the number of students enrolled at the Law School of Beijing University equaled the total number of law students trained at the school for the past 50 years.” But just don’t read this.  Unless you want the fun crunched.  [San Francisco Chronicle]

• Lawyers from Cravath, Swaine & Moore and Bryan Cave signed off on tax shelters that let wealthy hedge fund dudes avoid paying $400 million in taxes.  Yet I’m nervous about writing off printer ink.  [The Am Law Daily]

• Impeach him faster! Judge Sam Kent, who submitted his resignation from the bench in hopes of collecting his salary for as long as possible throughout the typically year-long impeachment process, has intensified interest in getting him cut off and got him pushed to the front of the line.  [Houston Chronicle]

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