Bitter News, 9-18-09

Bitter Newsroom Lawyer, News & Views

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom to obsess over like why you always have to pee after sex:

• In February, we interviewed Diedre Dare, the crazy, (some thought) sexy former Allen & Overy associate working in Russia who was fired for writing sex stories on her erotic website.  Now, given that her wrongful termination lawsuit didn’t quite result in a payday, Dare is now a Russian madam.  alskdf;sflk;j as?  Yep.  Law Shucks picked up on her The Moscow News column where she reveals that she’s “decided to become a ‘high class’ whore.” That’s right, she now hooks for $2,500 a night.  She’s a prostitute.  Are you picking up what I’m throwing down?  And what authoritative branch determines what qualifies as “high class” in the hired-sex market anyway?  [Law Shucks]

• What shape is your wang?  Yes, this is a question about your penis.  And if it’s oval or egg-shaped (and deepest sympathies if it is), attorney Spencer Kuvin would like for you to describe it during a deposition.  Let’s just admit it: It has been an unfortunate-shaped-wang kind of year.  Just ask Bernie Madoff about his “winky dink” manhood.  [ via New York Magazine]

• All good things come in threes.  Like sex.  So the law and intercourse intertwined thrice today: For this story, let’s start by saying that if you have a full head of hair and don’t have head-to-toe body acne you probably don’t know this, but there’s a whole virtual world called Second Life that exists.  And lawyers have been enjoying it for years.  There’s even (and this might make you tear up with pity like Nancy Pelosi) a Second Life Bar Association complete with officers and bylaws and membership dues.  In this non-existent world, sex is possible between online personae.  And just like with real people who get laid, cybersex can lead to cheating, hurt and scandal.  And the most recent Second Life sex scandal involves a federal copyright- and trademark-infringement lawsuit that has been filed by a company that makes and sells Second Life sex toys.  (Seriously, take this slow—it’s impossible to clean vomit completely out of keyboard—trust me.) SexGen is sick of Second Life accessory companies illegally selling knockoffs of their line of “specially programmed beds, rugs, sofas and even a coffin that enable consenting avatars to engage in virtual sex acts.” A whole host of legal areas are involved here, and it looks like it will all play out in First Life (that’s actual reality) court.  [Wired]

• I lied about the whole sex/legal stories coming in threes thing because the clock just struck four: Retired tax lawyer William G. Halby (from Wednesday) isn’t done yet.  He said Thursday “he will continue to challenge state and federal rulings disallowing medical expense tax deductions he claimed for his spending on prostitutes and pornography.” []

• Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger’s lawyer says his client is being accused of rape by a Harrah’s VIP hostess because she wanted to prevent being laid off by the Reno, NV resort.  [San Francisco Chronicle]

• “A male defense lawyer has pleaded not guilty to assault and battery charges after bear-hugging a female attorney inside the Massachusetts courthouse where both worked.” Grrrrrreat.  [Associated Press]

• That ankle looks pretty damn fine to me, SONIA!  [Perez Hilton]

• Sir Allen Stanford may be doing the exact opposite for public defenders that he did for financial services—giving them a good name.  With his assets and the hearts of judges frozen, Stanford was forced to accept an appointed legal team.  A death march, most people would assume.  But wouldn’t you know it, he fell into a dream team. Mike Sokolow, former Akin Gump and Susman Godfrey lawyer, was named 2005’s public defender of the year, and Kent Schaffer ain’t to shabby himself.  Sokolow’s the straight man while Schaffer is free-wheeling.  And they’re lauded with terms like mischievous, cunning, layered, candid, straightforward and cerebral.  They’re the PD version of Cagney and Lacey.  [Houston Chronicle via WSJ Law Blog]

• Stanford’s Ponzi big brother, Bernie Madoff, had his Montauk, New York, beach house sold for more than the asking price of $8.75 million.  It would have just sat there for the next 150 years anyway.  [Bloomberg]

• The court records are in, and Katherine Jackson and the kids only get a monthly allowance of $86,804 from Michael Jackson’s estate.  Damn recession.  [Popsquire]

• Sullivan & Cromwell got pwn3d by Harvard Law.  They called out S&C for trying to violate NALP’s 45-day term for accepting job offers by moving it up to two weeks.  And the Crimson homies don’t play that game.  [The Am Law Daily]

• Who might be the man to stand up in defense of the partners known as “the Evil Irishmen?” Former UCLA law student James O’Keefe III.  Don’t recognize his name?  Well, you probably recognize his most recent work….as a p-i-m-p.  He’s the independent journalist posing as a pimp in the ACORN undercover videos and sweeping the media and American politics.  O’Keefe, who only attended law school at UCLA for year because he got distracted by exposing crooked counselors at Planned Parenthood, is now “changing journalism, one shocking video at a time.” []

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