Bitter News, Week of September 5, 2011

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Here are your headlines from the Bitter Newsroom, where we ensure that You. Shall. Not. Pass!

BigLaw Associates Overpaid? You Don’t Say! It seems that all that griping by associates about their awful work lives is finally finding an open ear –though perhaps not the one they’d want. A survey by American Lawyer confirmed that money does not seem to buy loyalty among associates. No matter what the bonus or base pay, associate happiness just isn’t there. Therefore the answer seems simple: cut their pay back to saner levels. After all, this is an employer’s market.

¡Litigantes, Start Your Engines! Know Spanish? Like mass torts? Good news: Mexico’s gearing up to allow class actions. The time has come for Bumblebee Men everywhere to strike back against the injustice of ridiculous stereotypes.

Benchslapping Made Easy. The Texas judiciary has a distinguished history of benchslapping zingers, from Judge Sam Kent’s legendary Bradshaw v. Unity decision to Texas Justice. Now we induct Judge Sam Sparks to the Hall of Fame for his recent order demanding lawyers of opposing sides join him for a “Kindergarten Party” to go over the basic fundamentals of lawyering which the side apparently lacked.

Cooleyer Heads Prevail. Unlike the folks at Thomas “What Recession?” Cooley, both SUNY Stony Brook and University of Delaware have opted against opening new law schools in this wintry economic climate. All hail rational thinking and fie, fie on Cooley’s upcoming Tampa Campus.

Textbook Casebook Torts, 101. A jury in Colorado awarded a burglar’s family $300,000 after he was shot dead while breaking into an auto lot. The owners, refugees from the former Yugoslavia, decided to respond to a spate of previous burglaries by dishing out vigilante justice and shooting the next person to attempt a break in. The victim was shot as he climbed a fence and, according to police, posed no threat. The incident reminds us of Katko v. Briney, the case where a farmer set-up a lethal shotgun mantrap in an abandoned house. Kids, you can’t do that. To quote the parents of the burglar: “I can’t excuse his actions, but he didn’t deserve to be executed.”

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