Robert Wheeler is accused of punching a pizza delivery driver in the face “because he forgot the garlic knots” and then told the deliverer to “give that [punch] to the person working on the phone back at the restaurant.” I guess I can cross pizza delivery driver off my dream job list. I thought it was all champagne and two dollar tips until you retire on the beach but now that this drunk Santa Claus with FAT and BOY tattooed on his forearms trades a pizza for a knuckle sandwich it really changes your job prospects. And I’m not even made at Fat Boy. Garlic knots are straight fire. A good garlic knot changes everything. Forgetting the garlic knots will get you a slug to the mug 100% of the time.
Joyce Coffey likes to party. The 53-year-old faces multiple charges after police arrested her four times within a 26-hour period. Coffey was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct three times because she refused to turn down AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” and once for simple assault after throwing a frying pan at her nephew.
This might be a dumb question but — how can you not not blare AC/DC? It’s impossible. Highway to Hell requires you to have the volume up as high as possible. I’m pretty sure it’s in the Constitution. Sure throwing a frying pan is frowned upon but pointing your speakers out your door and maxing out the volume at 1o’clock in the morning is as American as apple pie.
Ulysses Chapman might have done a lot of bad things in his life (23 arrests and counting) but the man doesn’t lie. Thus, when he told Anita Ahmadi that he would set her on fire if she didn’t “shut up,” he wasn’t lying. Chapman doused the woman with a five-gallon tank of gasoline and set the woman ablaze.
Let me start by saying obviously locking someone in a car and setting them on fire is not the best idea but I’ll be damned if I don’t respect Ulysses. You know how many times I break my own promises. Every Sunday trying to tell myself to drink a little less, eat healthier foods, work out more, buckle down in life. Those promises usually last until lunch on Monday. But not Ulysses Chapman. When he says he will light you on fire if you don’t shut up then there is a 100% chance you will have severe burns on your arms and legs unless you shut your yapper. Ulysses is a better man than me . . . minus the whole setting human beings on fire thing.
P.S. Hindsight is always 20/20 but when you are dealing with a Florida man named Ulysses Chapman who has been arrested 23 times and is holding to a five gallon tank of gasoline saying he is going to set you on fire if you don’t shut up . . . probably not the best time to try and call his bluff.
P.P.S. If you don’t think my new fake name is Ulysses Chapman you are out of your mind.
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