Bitter News Update: Idiots Attack!

I’m sure you all heard about the huge jury result that came out last week — finding James Wilson guilty for punching the McDonald’s assistant manager in the face after the employee put chocolate on the bottom of his hot fudge sundae. Crazy right? Hot fudge is clearly a topping on ice cream. Did this guy put sprinkles on the bottom too? A cherry on the middle? How about you stop being an Assistant Manager of Mick Dicks on a power trip and let me buy a bacon egg and cheese biscuit after 10:30 in the morning before I “Ba-da-Bop Ba” Bop you in the face. Idiot.

Speaking of idiots . . .

Brian Wutschke has been arrested for indecent conduct. Let’s look at the facts: a woman called police after observing Brian performing oral sex on a dildo while driving. Practice makes perfect I suppose. Upon arrest, police found several pairs of woman’s underwear in the car. Getting a little creepier. During the pat down police heard a vibrating noise coming from Wutschke. Brian confirmed he has a sex toy inserted inside him.  Touché Salesman. You never want to be the guy pulled over while giving road head to a piece of plastic while stuffed like a turkey on Thanksgiving. Speaking of Thanksgiving . . . have fun at your next family gathering. Awkward city.

Some people call it doing your civil duty . . . some people call it grounds for divorce. Either way Johnnie Bolds cannot be happy that his wife dropped him off at the local police station for “talking stupidly” and swearing knowing that Bolds had two outstanding warrants.

Two things. First, how do you let this happen if you are Johnnie B? It’s not like you are a dog and your owner tricks you into going to the park when you actually go to the vet. Next thing you know you blow right past the park and you realized you got duped. Second, not a smart move by the wife creating this precedent. Dropping someone off because they are “talking stupidly.” Sure thing toots. Have fun getting your mugshot the next time you are rambling about how work sucks and your bestie is a skank. Definition of opening Pandora’s Box.

Sean Foxx asked his girlfriend, Trelia Woods, for her hand in marriage while being detained in the back of a police cruiser after the two were arrested for robbing a convenience store. Boom. Engagement proposal FTW. Proposing sucks nowadays. Way too much pressure to make it memorable so she can make all of her friends jealous. Flash mobs, YouTube videos, ring in the champagne glass — been there; done that you cliché loser. Then Sean Foxx comes along and totally redeems the male population. Lights and sirens waking up the night, the rush from holding up a Family Dollar, quiet moment alone in the squad car — so romantic I can’t stand it. Sure you can’t ‘Gram the ring to post on Twitter and Facebook but you can show it off in your mugshot. And people say romance is dead.

The first time you use a fake ID to buy some beer is always a nerve racking experience. Just saying you are working for the city thinking of holding on to the job for a while because its money in your pocket isn’t enough anymore. But when your ID looks like this:

Fake ID card showing Bobby Hill from Channel 4 TV show King of the Hill

There should be no worries. Especially since it worked  at 13 of the 22 stores tested during an undercover sting operation. Seven of the stores failed to ask for identification and six checked his false ID but still sold him the alcohol. Somehow I just don’t care. If you have the plums to walk up to a counter with some Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a six-pack of Natty Light and flash me a picture of Bobby Hill for an ID you deserve booze 100% of the time.

Post image from Shutterstock