In case you haven’t noticed, we here at Bitter Empire have found that we can predict the future, so we’ve turned our sights on Super Tuesday. Here are your bitter predictions:
Alabama: One of the presidential candidates will be burnt in effigy. We can’t predict which one, but we’re hoping it will be Bernie. Just for the alliteration of Bernie feeling the Burn.
Arkansas: Someone will ask that Hillary Clinton re-publish her senior thesis in full. Clinton will argue that while the thesis is available using Inter Library Loan, she wrote it in 1969 and it no longer represents her political views. Republicans will accuse her of delaying tactics.
Colorado: A riot breaks out when voters figure out that they don’t receive cookies as a reward for their service. Poll workers attempt to explain that cookies are the reward for donating blood — nothing to do with voting. Constituents vote to add the “Munchie Amendment” to the state constitution, guaranteeing cookies for voters. Unfortunately, they forget to vote for a presidential candidate.
Texas: Voters are incited by controversial requirement to vote in booths. Poll workers pull their concealed weapons to stop the violence. In the distance, you can faintly hear someone scream “Remember the Alamo” as civil war breaks out.
Virginia: Constituents overwhelmingly vote for Donald Trump. When asked what the hell were they thinking, they just point at the building that houses the Department of Defense. “We figure jobs will triple during the apocalypse.”
Minnesota: After spending much of the evening holding doors open for each other, Minnesotans attempt to agree on a candidate. By stuffing their faces with hot dish and avoiding eye contact while agreeing to disagree. The evening ends when three of the attendees say, “Fine, Whatever.” And before you know it, they’ve agreed to elect “Stone Cold Steve Austin”, while the fourth caucus-goer pleads “I was only joking.”
Massachusetts: An impromptu march to Elizabeth Warren’s house breaks out. Voters are heard shouting, “Why have you forsaken us?”
Georgia: The Georgia Primary started off well…
Unfortunately, the outbreak was too difficult to contain. Georgia has been “made great, again.”
Tennessee: In a shocking upheaval, Dolly Parton announced her run for the presidency. Her platform? Bringing back open-toed high heel sandals and nude pantyhose.
Oklahoma: Oklahoma residents selected Bob Dole for their 2016 candidate. When asked about the surprising reports, the voters insisted they wanted to return to “a simpler time.”
Vermont: Vermont was supposed to overwhelmingly vote for Bernie Sanders. But, in a moment of last minute confusion, they misunderstood Bernie’s campaign slogan “A political revolution is coming” and assumed they were to take up arms against the rest of the nation. Vermonters are currently busy invading New Hampshire and aren’t available to caucus. Our intrepid reporter sent us pictures of the action:
Poll results are delayed.