Botox, Lip Injections, and Hair Extensions are Probably the Answer

Like most other maladjusted, self-conscious late bloomers in my viciously looks-driven co-ed Catholic grade school microcosm, I started keeping tabs on the specific aspects of my appearance that I hated when I was still in the fourth grade. The list went something like this:

  1. Enormous, crooked front teeth
  2. Huge glasses (it was the 90’s, after all)
  3. Lifeless brown hair
  4. Thin lips
  5. Hips too big
  6. Stomach not flat enough

In the fifth grade, my social studies teacher caught me scowling when she assigned a ridiculously tedious project re: the similarities and differences among the Mayan, Inca, and Aztec cultures. She scolded me by warning, “If you keep making faces like that, you’re going to have wrinkles when you’re 30!” Thus necessitating the addition of:

  1. Premature wrinkles

to my list.

Thankfully, I was able to strike the first two grievances before high school—sixth grade brought with it the miracle of gas permeable contact lenses, and my agonizing, glacially paced orthodontic treatments finally ended the summer before ninth grade.

During high school, I started showing the first signs of the neurotic perfectionism that still plagues me to this day (which is a polite way of saying I fanatically dieted and exercised my way to narrower hips and a flat stomach). But since then, I’ve made no further progress on the final three flaws on my list. In fact, one of them—premature wrinkles—has risen in significance, no doubt due to the frown that has been almost permanently etched on my face since my first year in law school.

If I was a little more normal (and if my romantic prospects were a little more promising), I probably wouldn’t be giving any of this a second thought. Unfortunately, though, the months keep passing (a little faster each year), and I’m starting to fear that there isn’t much time left for me to attract a mate during my most marketable years.

The solution, therefore, is completely obvious. My lingering flaws—which are clearly the reason I’m currently, and practically always, single—are limp hair, thin lips, and early onset wrinkles (okay, it’s more like a few lines, but still).

The only logical conclusion? That I need botox, lip injections, and hair extensions. There really is no other way around it.

Admittedly, I was a little leery of the whole botox thing at first—largely because I thought I might be a little young for botox (I don’t see any other legitimate problem with having botulism injected into my face). That is, until my dermatologist helpfully informed me that, “Beginning botox at a young age actually freezes time and prevents lines from deepening, so you need less botox in the long run to get an effective result.” In that case, sign me up.

The next problem was that I thought all lip injections make the injectee look like Taylor Armstrong from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Not so, apparently (at least, according to the heretofore mentioned dermatologist who convinced me that botox was pretty much invented for people in their 20’s). So I’m starting to warm to that idea, too.

Now for the hair extensions, which I (incorrectly) thought was a lost cause. I literally had no idea that there was such a thing as extensions for women like me, i.e. non-celebrities. And then I found out that there are like five salons within a few blocks of my apartment in Chicago that administer Great Lengths hair extensions (they aren’t cheap, but they last between four and six months, which seems totally reasonable given that I spend the same amount on only one month’s rent).

So there you have it. Before long—more specifically, in the time it takes to stick a few needles into my face and glue a bunch of clusters of human hair to my head—I will be back on the path to landing a mate before the twilight of my youth. God bless the scientists who invented this stuff, wherever they are. They’ve truly provided a public service and an advancement of the greater good.

  • Southern Lawyer

    I have no idea how thin your hair is, so this might not be the answer for you, but have you tried Bumble and Bumble’s thickening serum and thickening spray? Its really really helped me with my super fine hair.

  • Ellen

    I am VERY atractive and the manageing partner is always STAREING at me. I hope I will not need these things as I get OLDER, for now I look great my dad says!

    • Michelle Beth

      Ellen, I want to be FRANK with you, and I will confirm you look as great as you say you father says.

  • Guano Dubango

    I fear that so called law beauties like this one turn into schrivveled prunes, often before it is visually apparent and before lions like me are able to mate with them.

    I may have to start searching within the undergraduate college community for a fertile beauty, as I do not want to bring some “botox queen” home to my Aunt Ooona only to discover later that she is not capable of bearing me issue.

  • southern bitter

    we don’t need botox. we have money. drive my loyola or northwestern and pick up a frat boy. problem solved.

  • lolskewllady

    I really hope you’re kidding, LF10.

  • Guano Dubango

    Things would be fine with LF10 if she could find a worthy guy. She may be a tad bit too old for me, however.

  • EllaElla

    Women like you make me wish I were straight.  Two of the main reasons you’re single are your annoying obsessions about the stupidest things and your clear lack of body confidence.  If you act as though you’re ugly and flawed, why *should* anyone want you?  You should take the money you’re spending on lip injections (which make a lot of women look like absolute freaks), botox, and fake hair and spend it on a hobby (something interesting that also requires you to interact with other humans), a membership, and psychotherapy for your body dysmorphia and any other issues you may have (likely).  I guarantee you’ll feel less alone (aka desperate) because you’ll be meeting and interacting with new people around an activity you all enjoy.  You’ll feel better about yourself if you have a good shrink (confidence is sexy).  And if you are proactively seeking a mate on Match, you’ll have what you’ve been looking since you were 10 (!) — people approving of your current looks.  Don’t forget to post a picture.

    • Michelle Beth

      Wow! You exhibited a huge shitload of self -righteousness. Since you only wish you were straight, can I be Frank with you? You will cry EllaElla Ooh La La with joy. I want to be Frank with Ellen too.

      • Guano Dubango

        I think you may cause trouble for any man or woman who would elect to drop their drawers. Is your real name Frank?

  • evil lawyer

    LF 10 has narrow hips? swoon. But she’s injecting stuff in her lips? I don’t know anyone that looks better that way. I can atke anhanced breasts, but lips? It does make you look like a freak. (Michelle Beth, I will duel with you for ella ella if she really is a girl.)