Bravo, Internet

Did anyone waste THREE HOURS watching the “daredevil” Nik Wallenda tightrope Niagara Falls? If you did, take a second and contemplate your life. Three hours of tight rope walking for a guy with a safety harness. Might as well be a 1990s Nickelodeon show. Climbing the Agrocrag would be more challenging. Was Mike O’Malley too busy to commentate? Can I get a special update on the wind conditions from Mo? Nik should go ahead and put on a Blue Barracudas t-shirt and listen to what Olmac says because anyone who thinks this guy is any different is out of your mind.

Siri is being sued for false advertising. Frank M. Fazio, fed up with his iPhone 4S’s unpredictable accuracy and response time is claiming Apple provided a “misleading and deceptive message” about Siri’s capabilities. Preach, brother. The Siri commercials are the most egregious case of false advertising since Reebok Pumps. Maybe Siri should spend a little less time making hotspacho and a little more time learning English. However, if you could get me Zoey Deschanel’s number I would totally forgive you.

An Oregon man has been infected with the bubonic plague after he was bitten on the hand by a stray cat while trying to get a mouse out of its mouth. Two things. First, why in the world would you try to take a mouse out of a stray cat’s mouth? Did you walk around barefoot on used needles after that? Maybe move to Chernobyl and start drinking well water? Weirdo. Second, Bubonic Plague? That’s still a real thing? Do they even have a ribbon to wear for the Plague? Why can’t you just get diabetes and have Wilford Brimley yell at you? Really limits your life goals. Maybe you can get a job at the Renaissance Fair, but you’re not going to be allowed inside the castle walls.

We have all been there. Go out for happy hour and end up closing down the bar. The next day you are a mess and in need of an immediate excuse to miss work. But we are lawyers… bullshitting on the fly is pretty much exactly our job description. Thomas James Conner would make a bad lawyer. The commercial truck driver told his bosses he was taken hostage at gunpoint by two men who took his keys and were going to steal his truck and the load of berries he was transporting.

Ahh, the old “two gun wielding men are going to steal my blueberries” line. Sixty percent of the time it works every time. What else was he going to say? His grandma died? That’s the worst lie in the book. The key is to straddle the line between too farfetched and just crazy enough not to be questioned. This excuse was too farfetched. Don’t say you are being taken hostage. That always gets messy. Especially when you are actually too intoxicated to drive and your truck is found on the side of interstate.

Barbara Hall and her boyfriend were having “relations” when the situation soured. Hall told her boyfriend to get the olive oil from the kitchen to use as a “sexual lubricant.” “When (the boyfriend) returned with the olive oil, Barbara asked if he had also brought the PAM cooking spray.” The boyfriend misunderstood Hall and commented on a girl named Pam that he knows and apparently stated he had sex with Pam while he and Hall were on a break. That, of course, started an argument in which Hall hit the boyfriend repeatedly with the bottle of olive oil. Hall was arrested on a battery charge from the incident. I got nothing to add to this. Bravo, Internet. Bravo.

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