Chicks, Man

“A state trooper says an extremely drunk woman met him at the door wearing underpants and holding two yellow roses she wanted him to accept as part of her ‘cop fantasy’— before he charged her with drunken driving instead.” Officer Thomas Laskey received a call of a motorist that was driving erratically on the Interstate only to find 40-year-old Monica Barnhart who was four times the legal limit for drivers.

Fantasies are a two-way street, Monica. Guys want a lady in the streets, not a drunk driver in the streets. If you think Officer Laskey’s cop fantasy is a 40-year-old wearing “underpants” and holding a rose like it’s the fucking Bachelorette, you are an idiot. Sure Officer Laskey has probably wanted to pull over some young cutie and tell her to put her mouth around something and blow but a 0.28 on the breathalyzer isn’t want he was hoping for.

Two groups of women clashed at a Georgia Waffle House over a post on Facebook regarding someone’s relationship status. One patron was taken into custody after she fired four shots into the air outside the restaurant around 5 a.m. Well, this one is pretty simple. Waffle Houses at 5 a.m. and Facebook relationship statuses; two things that will inevitably get you in trouble.

Waffle House after midnight is like Lord of the Flies. Purely carnal. The only thing more dangerous is the dreaded Facebook relationship status. Nothing good can come from it. Except when the hot 1L changes her status to “single” and updates her status with those little broken heart symbols. Might as well be a bull’s eye. Other than that, it’s a direct path to having your body scattered, smothered, covered, and chunked.

An Ohio wedding guest was arrested and jailed for assault and intoxicated disorderly conduct after she refused to stop slow dancing with the groom. Brooke Burke, was dancing with the groom when the bride, Margaret Burke, asked her to stop. This caused Brooke to yell and attempt to grab the newlywed. Brooke then “fell to the ground kicking and screaming and being belligerent,” before she was forcibly removed from the reception. Brooke is believed to be the bride’s sister-in-law.

Umm, is Brooke Burke the greatest patsy since Oswald? I’m pretty sure it takes two to tango, sweetheart. How about you clean up your own house and get your husband to stop grinding to R. Kelly with some buxom redhead? Stop blaming other people. I’m not married but I’m pretty sure the guy basically has to do whatever you tell him with the hopes he might get to second base before you “start to have a headache.”

An Indiana man had his scrotum severely torn by his “on-again, off-again” girlfriend. Christina Reber, 43, walked into the house uninvited and screamed, “call the fucking police” before launching her attack. Reber faces two felonies and misdemeanor domestic battery. Reber latched onto the victim’s scrotum while “squeezing as hard as she could.” By the end, James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater were “completely torn loose from his body. The victim is recovering at Ball Memorial Hospital.

Wait. The man who had his scrotum torn off is being treated at Ball Memorial Hospital? Touché, God, touché. Seriously though, nothing worse than bare hands castration. Just some crazy ex-girlfriend going Temple of Doom on your wedding tackle like it’s a stress ball. However, Reber does get points in my book for yelling “call the fucking police” right before turning a dude’s sack into mashed potatoes. Just shows this broad’s fucked three ways towards the weekend but you know what, Father? I dig it.

  • Guano Dubango

    If ONLY I could find a woman who would be so giving!